Page 97 of That Conflicted Feeling

“Nowyou’re being pathetic.”Shesqueezes my shoulders, not whispering any more. “Justfucking read it.”

Ican’t let myself sob on the sidewalk in front of everyone.IfI’mgoing to read this thing,Ican’t sob.

Itake a giant breath and peel open my damp eyelids.

Halfthe sign is taken up by an artist’s impression of a huge vegetable garden.

ThewordsYellowBarnare at the top in giant letters.

Myeyes dart across the other words, picking them out at random, unable to focus on reading them in order as my heart rate rises.

There’s“sponsored” and “community garden” and “teach kids to grow their own food” and “unite the neighborhood.”

Asense of hope rises in my chest, butIcan’t allow myself to believe it.Imust be misunderstanding.TheMaxIknew was business at all costs.

“What?Idon’t understand.Ican’t—”

Carlyjumps in front of me. “It’snot going to be a store,Poll.YellowBarn’sgoing to turn the site into”—she turns to read from the sign—“‘a community garden to teach generations of adults and kids the importance of learning where their food comes from through the love of growing their own.Thefirst of the new nationalYellowBarnGrowTogetherinitiative.’”

Shegrabs my shocked, damp face with both hands.

“Youdid it,Poll.”Shepulls my forehead to her mouth and slaps a kiss on it. “Youfucking did it.”

It’simpossible to take in.Athousand thoughts swirl in my brain.

Thereisn’t going to be a giant grocery store onMainStreet.Polly’sProducemight survive.MomandImight be okay.AndImight get to keepCarlyon.

“You’vegone pale,” she says.

Iput a hand to my clammy brow. “Ido feel a bit dizzy.”

“Getthe blood to your head.”Shebends me over at the waist.

Irest my hands on my knees as it sinks in thatMaxdecided not to open the store.Hegot permission for it and decided not to.Buthe’s not selling the land.He’sdonating it to the town as a community garden.Andit’ll be the first of manyYellowBarn-sponsored community gardens around the country.Sopeople can learn about growing their own food and kids can see where it comes from.Andwe can all “GrowTogether.”

Maxdid that.

He’strying to put it right.

Tearsof relief trickle from both eyes.Ihadn’t misjudged him after all.It’lljust take some time for him to stop being that scared ten-year-old boy who fights tooth and nail every minute of every day to make sure his family never gets evicted again because they can’t pay the rent.

Carlyrubs my back. “Anybetter?”

Iwipe my cheeks and straighten slowly soIdon’t pass out. “Weneed to get back to the shop.Mrs.B’sthere on her own.”

Aswe walk back down the street, my head feels like it’s floating above my shoulders, the sidewalk is spongy under my feet, and everything looks fuzzy around the edges.It’slikeI’min a dream where the whole world is made of marshmallow.

Ican’t be kidding myself, canI?Ithas to beMax’sidea.Thoseare all the thingsItold him were important to me.Andnow he’s made them important to his company.Andmaybe, just maybe, to himself.

“Whydidn’t he say anything?”Iask out loud to myself as much as toCarly.

“Well, you did tell him in front of the whole farmers’ market that he was a total bastard who could fuck off.”

“Itwas actuallyyouwho said that.”

“Oh, right.Yeah.But, in my defense, he did give that impression.”

“Yeah,”Isay quietly. “Ifyou didn’t really know him.”