Page 24 of Texas Hold Em’ (The Devil’s Luck MC #3)

CARRIE

M y nails had been gnawed so short I couldn’t pick up the playing card face down on the outdoor coffee table.

I could feel Suzie and Samantha’s eyes on me as I gave up, slid the card to the edge of the table, and picked it up that way.

The tips of all my fingers were pink and angry with pain from sitting there and chewing them down to the quick while the men spoke of their plans in the garage.

“We don’t have to play,” Suzie said, a note of concern in her voice. “I don’t think it’s been a very good distraction.”

Somehow, my thumbnail was back at my lips and I was chewing at it.

I put my cards down and clasped my hands together in my lap. “Maybe that would be for the best.”

Samantha scooped up all the cards and stacked them in a neat pile before tucking them back in their box.

She set them off to the side on a small table beside her that held both her and Suzie’s drinks.

Suzie was nursing a beer while Sam sipped at a glass of water.

Suzie had gone inside about twenty minutes ago and offered me a beer, but she hadn’t extended the offer to Sam.

Instead, she brought her out the water wordlessly.

Suzie twisted around in her chair and peered over at the shop. “ Still looks like they’re pretty into their conversation. At this rate, the sun is going to go down before they settle on a plan.”

Samantha settled deeper into her chair after fluffing the pillow at her back. “Suits me fine. Jackson has been insufferable lately. Everything he does gets on my nerves. Does that happen with you and Mason, Suzie?”

Suzie shrugged. “Sure, from time to time. But I never really feel like I need a break from him. Your situation is different. It’s not your fault he’s annoying you.”

I frowned. What did that mean?

Suzie caught me looking at her and blinked rapidly as her cheeks turned pink. “Um, I just mean my brother is a special kind of annoying, you know?”

I shrugged. Sure. I did know. Jackson had been jumping down my throat since the first moment I showed my face around here.

Samantha changed the subject. “It doesn’t matter. Jackson is Tex’s problem right now.”

I wished I could disappear.

Sam gave me a reassuring smile. “Don’t worry, babe. These guys? They do this kind of life-risking stuff all the time. It’s kind of their shtick. If one of them isn’t having a brush with death, it’s an off month. Right, Suzie?”

“Right,” Suzie agreed quickly.

I appreciated their efforts to make me feel better, but it wasn’t really working.

I was full of regret and I couldn’t shake it.

On one hand, sex with Tex yesterday had been incredible.

On the other hand? It had sewn me even closer to him.

In the moment, I’d been relieved of my worries, but afterward, when I felt closer to him than ever, I had to face the truth that I might lose him.

And it would be my fault.

How did I navigate through all those feelings? I had no fucking idea where to turn, what to think, or how to pass the minutes that somehow felt like they were flying past as well as crawling. Time felt like a bizarre construct and its walls were closing in on me.

On us .

“They’ll work out the details, Carrie,” Suzie said softly. “They always do. I promise.”

Sam leaned forward to rest her elbows on her knees. She was dressed in loose-fitting sweatpants and an oversized T-shirt that might have been Jackson’s. “What are you thinking about right now? It’s like you’re here but you’re not here.”

I sighed. How real did I want to get with these women? They’d shown me support before, and they were rallying around me now, but I wasn’t sure where the line was.

Still, I needed to get the crushing weight off my chest. I needed others to know what was happening with me and Tex. We’d agreed to keep it from Jackson, but would the women have my back in this?

“I just won’t be able to forgive myself if something goes wrong,” I muttered. “I can’t have Jameson’s blood on my hands. I just can’t. It will… it will…” I trailed off and shook my head, unwilling to continue.

Sam wore an empathetic frown. “I’m sorry you’re in this position.”

“Thank you,” I said.

Suzie chewed the inside of her cheek. I could see a question dancing in her eyes, but it seemed like she wasn’t sure if she should ask it or not. Finally, she made a decision. “Has crashing at Tex’s place made you fall for him?”

“Suzie,” Sam scolded, using her friend’s full name for the first time in my presence.

Suzie shot her a menacing look. “Don’t call me Suzie.” Her sharp stare returned to me. “Isn’t that exactly what you said you didn’t want to happen? Are you crushing on Tex?”

Crushing? No. I’d gone a lot further than just crushing.

“I have feelings for him,” I admitted.

The women’s eyes widened.

I pinched the bridge of my nose and closed my eyes. “It doesn’t make any sense to me, either. It isn’t what I wanted. I wanted to finish this thing with Bates and have a clean break so I could go back to Austin. But everything got so messy so quickly and I don’t know where to go from here. ”

“Would you stay here for him?” Samantha asked.

Her question hit me in the gut. “I don’t know.”

“But you’re tempted?” Suzie pressed.

I raked my fingers through my hair. “I don’t know.

There’s so much more to him than I ever imagined.

He makes me feel strong and steady, like I can take on the world.

And maybe that’s not a good thing, you know?

Maybe all that strength went to my head, and if it hadn’t, I never would have hunted Bates down and caused this mess to begin with.

Tex makes me feel invincible. People do stupid shit when they feel invincible. ”

“Damn,” Suzie breathed. “That’s a lot.”

Tell me about it. Try being in my head right now.

Sam rubbed at her knees like they were riddled with arthritis, but I recognized it as an anxious tell.

Back when I was training to be a Ranger, I’d learned certain body language cues to recognize in interrogation rooms. Anxious knee rubbing with rigid fingers and white knuckles was one of them.

It also sometimes signified dishonesty, which might imply that Sam was hiding something, or she was as nervous about Friday night as I was.

“How do you do it?” I blurted out.

The women stared blankly at me.

“Do what?” they asked in unison.

“Keep a brave face on when you’re in the same position as me.

Hell, you’re in a worse position than me.

I’m crushing on Tex. I don’t know what we are.

There isn’t a commitment there. But you’ve been with your guys for how long?

You’re in love with them. You’re building lives with them.

And there’s a very real chance that everything could go wrong on Friday night and you might never see them again.

And if that happens, how will you be able to ever look at me again? ”

I hated how fast I was talking and how they were blurring in my vision as my eyes filled with tears. I hated the loss of control and the open wound of my burden as I bled guilt in front of them.

“You’ll never be able to forgive me and I won’t blame you. I… I might ruin everything. For all of you, not just for Tex. ”

Sam got up and sat down beside me. She wrapped an arm around my shoulders in a nurturing way and I could smell her perfume. She smelled like the beach in summertime. “Carrie, take a breath. There you go. Another one.”

I breathed deeply—in through my nose, out through my mouth.

“Good.” Sam’s voice was a quiet hush in my ear.

“Listen to me, Carrie. I understand you feel guilty. Believe me, I understand. Jackson almost died for me and the weight of that truth almost destroyed me. But he didn’t die, and I wasn’t destroyed.

All of this,” she gestured around at the shop, “did not come to be by playing it safe. Jackson and the others aren’t normal men.

They don’t play by the rules. Choosing to be with one of them like Suzie and I have done?

It isn’t a decision to be made lightly. This will not be the last time we sit around anxiously chewing on our nails or talking about things that don’t matter to distract ourselves.

Even if Bates is eliminated from the picture on Friday, there will always be something else in our way.

This life isn’t easy, and if you can’t ever accept that, Tex will never be enough for you. ”

I gazed into her eyes. Why was she saying this to me?

I wanted him to be enough. I needed him to be. Without Tex, where did that leave me?

Sam took my hands in hers. “I’m not trying to hurt you, Carrie.

I’m trying to be real with you. If this fear you’re experiencing right now never goes away and you can never accept that you don’t have as much control as you want, then you and Tex?

You’re a pipe dream. But , if you can suspend your fear and trust him fully and lean into him when you need to, then Reno might be home for you like it’s home for us. ”

Suzie joined me on my other side. “She’s right. I grew up with them. I’ve been part of the club since, well, before it was even a club. No time is guaranteed here. We have to live in the present. We have to hold on to what is ours now. If you can do that, you can be his.”

Be his. A bit of panic ebbed away from me, pulled from my blood and my bones by their words. I surprised myself by smiling. “Even if I could do what you’re saying, Jackson would never accept me. ”

Sam laughed. “Let me worry about Jackson. If you stand by Tex and your heart is true, Jackson will come around.”

“He’s a jackass,” Suzie said, “but I’m sure he wants to believe you’re with us, not against us.”

And if Tex died? If the plan went terribly wrong and I was left standing there with Tex’s corpse and no hope in Hell to forgive myself? What then?

Would Jackson still see the good in me, or would he put me out of my own misery? Perhaps he’d leave me to Bates.

I shuddered at the thought.

Sam rubbed my back before getting to her feet. “I’m going to refill my water. Can I get you two something while I’m inside?”

I shook my head and didn’t hear what Suzie said. My thoughts were too dark and stormy to think about putting anything in my stomach.