Page 33

Remorse: Sorrow sharpened by guilt.

I can’t change my past...but maybe I can shape my future.

Watching Fallon through the glass as she held that little baby was surreal.

I couldn’t help but see Ariah holding Xenia at that small, squishy age.

The memories of toxic waste diaper changes, late nights of helping Ariah with feedings, and being a bumbling tool when it came to being a dad flooded my mind.

I was never a good father to Xeny. I always struggled, but god help me. She would just hold my finger with her little hand, and I felt capable of taking on the whole damn world to prove them wrong.

In the end, I was the one proved wrong. I failed Xenia worse than simply being absent or fucking up changing her properly…I got her killed. If I had stayed out of her life, she would be a beautiful eight-year-old girl now.

I should have watched her from the shadows like this.

Anything I touched turned to ash. It had been my curse ever since I tried to save my brother.

I only managed to get thrown in with him and drag Judas along for the damn ride.

Ariah was alone. She lived alone and…died alone.

Our beautiful daughter was fated to follow her because she was mine.

I had to stay the fuck away from Fallon.

She could give that kid a good life if I backed off.

She could put the asylum, the redheaded quack, and her dead brother’s now-dead girlfriend to rest. She would graduate college as the photographer she was, and I would cheer for her on the sidelines. At least then, she would be safe.

“What a sweet baby, Daddy!”

I looked in front of me on the other side of the glass. Xenia was smiling and cooing at the baby in Fallon’s arms, mimicking the rocking action with her toy boat in her grip.

“He is so cute, Daddy. Who is he?”

I tried to put on a brave face for my Xeny bug.

“Hi, Little Flower. That’s a friend’s baby nephew. She’s going to take care of him.”

Xenia was always curious. She giggled and walked closer to the baby, caressing his face with her translucent hand.

“You can help her! Be his Daddy. Then, I can have a baby brother.”

I blinked, trying to mask my surprise. “Uh, Xenia, that is a very nice thought, sweetheart, but this baby doesn’t need me.”

Xenia turned back to face me. Her beautiful smile fell, and a tear slipped down her tan cheek. She walked to the glass and held her little hand up to it. I mirrored the pose and tried to search her face for what was wrong.

“I know he doesn’t need you, Daddy, but…”

She sounded so far away already. These little moments with her were all I ever got. From the time she was taken from me to now…it was never enough time.

Tick-tock.

Shaking my head, I cleared my throat and made a stupid face. It worked. She smiled that warm, light half grin of hers.

“He may not need you now, Daddy,” she said again, holding my gaze. “But you need him. You need them both.”

I opened my mouth to reply, but her form was already fading, her little hand disappearing and leaving mine alone on the glass.

Her words clung to me like a second skin. I couldn’t be selfish and put anyone else in danger. I needed to get answers.

Dragging Fallon and her family into my fucked up world is a recipe for disaster.

I needed to speak with her. I needed to be a man and break the hold I had on her. She deserved to be free.

Collecting the courage given to me through my daughter’s spirit, I took a deep breath and pushed the door to the patient room open. Fallon saw me and put the baby down in the bassinet beside her.

I was a coward.

She didn’t speak. Her green eyes were heavy, she looked like she hadn’t slept in a week, and the light color to them was a muted haze of the original vibrant color.

I was a short distance away from her and tried to maintain that space because I already wanted to hold her and make sure she was alright.

“Are you okay?” we said in unison.

I cleared my throat and gestured for her to speak.

“The last time I saw you with your cop friend,” she said, a sadness lingering in her tone. She was choosing her words carefully. “You were trapped in your mind again, weren’t you?”

I sighed. There was no getting past Fallon’s perception. I don’t know why I bothered trying.

“Uh…yeah. Quinn is a good guy. He took me back to his place to let me sleep it off.”

Fallon was trying to catch my gaze, but I kept looking around the room at the baby shit littering the walls, floors, and tables nearby.

“Where do you go, Pharaoh?” she said, taking a few steps toward me.

I swallowed hard and took a few steps back to keep the distance between us. She looked hurt but stopped moving. I didn’t know how to answer her, much less when her presence just made me want to mount her and claim every fucking inch of her body.

It was more than sex…I cared for her. I could feel the broken organ in my chest beating simply for her. I had been on autopilot for so long that I was surprised I could feel anything like…

“I see my daughter,” I admitted.

I let Fallon adjust to that statement, and I continued when she took a second to think. “I also see who I thought killed her. He taunts me. Reminds me of the failure I am.”

Fallon was silent, but she started to walk slowly toward me again. My eyesight was blurry, and I didn’t have the mental strength to push her away.

I backed myself into the wall and slid down the glass where Xenia had stood. I could feel the tears falling and knew how weak I looked, but I owed it to her to be my true self for once. To let down the mask.

“You aren’t a failure, Pharaoh,” she said, her voice calming. Though I couldn’t see her through my tears, I could hear her voice getting closer. “You did everything you could for that little girl. She is lucky to call you her dad.”

Oh, how beautiful her lies sound .

“You may be this big, strong giant, but you love with every fiber of your insanely tall being.”

I wiped my tears with my sleeve.

She could see how I loved her. She knew. Fuck me, she knew.

“Loving someone has always gotten them killed. It’s better I never love anything but the darkness around me.”

She grabbed my face and forced me to look into her eyes. She had tears flowing down her cheeks in synchronization with my own. We were equal and yet the utter opposite. Somehow, I couldn’t imagine fitting so perfectly with anyone else.

“I should never have tried to have a normal life. I should have stayed in the shadows and left my daughter alone. She was killed for simply being mine.”

My voice broke. The finality of those words was so potent that it ripped a piece of my soul free to say them out loud.

Fallon wiped my cheek with her thumb. “When you hide behind a mask all the time, you will lose sight of who’s truly behind it.”

I could hear those words spoken by both of the women in my life I had ever loved. Ariah all those years ago and now by Fallon.

I brushed my hand over her cheek, and she felt soft and unguarded. I caught her gaze and kissed her. I put every fucking breath I had into that kiss. She returned it, meeting my desperate, fevered pants.

“Pharaoh,” she moaned.

Pulling her on top of my lap, I lifted both of us from the ground, walking her to the adjoining bathroom of the nursery-style room.

“Yes, baby. Yes. Anything. Yes. It is yours.”

Tears were streaming down both our faces. This was something I had never felt in my entire life. I felt free. For the first time in my entire fucking life. I felt like I was actually free.

“You’ve stripped away every goddamn barrier I have, Little Voyeur,” I said with a ragged breath. “Don’t make me beg you to do the same.”

She followed my gaze and smiled.

Standing against the shower wall, she lifted her arms to me.

Groaning with my absolute need, I tried my best not to shred her shirt as I pulled it off her.

I took my fucking time taking in her beautiful form as she undressed, admiring and falling in love with every curve. She looked embarrassed and kept trying to hide her stomach from me. I growled at her, knocking her hands away and locking them behind her head.

“No,” I told her. “I want to see every fucking inch of you. Don’t hide a single part of yourself from me, please.”

She whimpered, enjoying my slow praise of her body.

“Your breasts are so full that even my hands can’t contain them all.”

She moaned, watching me suck both of her beautiful nipples until they were nice and hard. I bit her neck while dragging my hands down her incredible, soft stomach. Finally, I made my way inside her slick heat.

“Oh fuck, Pharaoh. I-I am going to wake the baby.”

I chuckled and brought my hand, covered in her juices, to her mouth.

“Then why don’t I quiet those sinful lips, Little Voyeur?”

She squeaked when I shoved my fingers in her mouth, pressing her down to her knees.

“That’s my good fucking girl, Fallon. Open up, baby, and suck my cock like I know you can.”

She was such a good listener, stripping me of my clothes and pulling my pants down to my feet.

I watched her in awe as she slipped her tantalizing mouth over my head. Choking on my thickness, she teased her tongue over my piercing.

“God, you sure know how to fucking play with the devil, don’t you?”

Her grin was devious. She sucked my fucking cock like a pro. I felt every suction, the massaging sensation nearly causing me to lose myself multiple times.

“Whoa, baby. If you don’t stop, you’re going to be filled up from both holes.”

Fallon slowly stopped.

“Maybe I want it all,” she said teasingly.

I hissed. Her heady brattiness was everything I fucking needed and more.

“Bend over Fallon Summers. Now.”

Slowly, so damn slowly, she got on her feet and bent over in front of me.

I didn’t give her time to hold onto anything in the bathroom before getting a handful of those curves and slamming into her. She felt like heaven. I may be a devil, but I would sell my own soul to be with this angel.

“Mmm. That’s a good girl. So tight, holy fuck, Little Voyeur.”

Her clipped whimper was too much. I felt my balls getting tighter and tighter.

“Fuck, Little Voyeur. Oh fuck. I-I’m gonna—”

“Pharaoh. Oh my god. Please fill me up. I fucking love this. I fucking love you.”

My cock drowned the beauty under me, her confession making me lose so much more than my damn control.

“I…” I couldn’t find the words. But I did love her, I realized.

I loved Fallon Summers.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

I held onto her hips, pounding into her pussy until she fell over the edge. My mind was racing. I couldn’t concentrate. Her words kept playing on repeat in a cadence with my moans.

I fucking love you.

She orgasmed hard on my cock. This woman wrung me out like a wet rag until there was nothing left. She consumed every part of me. Standing there, my come leaking down her inner thighs, she didn’t know just how much she had of my entire soul.

This was dangerous .

I pulled her into a hug, using my shirt to clean her up from the saliva on her face. The water was warm when I turned on the spray.

“Get cleaned up, Little Voyeur.”

She could hear the difference in my tone, but she obeyed after giving me a hug. I watched her shower, imagining the water washing the curse of my love free of her soul. If she could free herself from my love, maybe she would be safe.

I hated myself more than anyone as I put the mask firmly in its place, staring at my reflection but not recognizing the cold chill in my eyes.

“Fallon,” I said when she finished showering, and I was fully clothed once more.

I could smell her on me. Hopefully, I would free her of me…but this woman would remain like a brand in my heart.

“Yes?” she said, toweling her beautiful hair.

I couldn’t even look at her.

“I can’t love you.”

My cold response made her slightly recoil, but she kept running the fabric through her hair, trying to act as if my words didn’t hurt her.

Good, her own mask was coming back into place. She needed it.

“I can’t keep playing these games, Little Voyeur. I can’t see another person I love being slaughtered. I am getting the fuck away from you while I still can.”

Fallon didn’t speak now. She put her clothing back into place and looked at me only through the reflection of the mirror. I turned my back to her.

I couldn’t stare at the hurt in her eyes. It was wrong to admit how I felt, knowing I was leaving her for good. She reached her hand out to me, and I stepped forward.

“No, Little Voyeur. I...can’t.”

Her hand fell, and she looked angry. “So you can fuck me, but you can’t love me?”

I deserve that.

“Yep,” I said with as much bite as I could throw at her. If she could hate me, she would be free. “Just go back to your rich fucking life and stay the fuck out of my way, okay? Go fuck a different professor. I am sure there are loads of options for your tight little body.”

That fiery anger concealed her hurt.

She raised her hand again, but this time she smacked the fuck out of my face. My head jerked back, and the baby in the other room awoke from the sound. I started to walk away, but Fallon gave me a look that held all her rage and pain.

“Why are you so cruel? There is not an ounce of love in your cold fucking heart.”

I wiped the blood off my lip. “Maybe you’re right, Little Voyeur. All the love I had to give was ripped out of my soul the minute I lost them. Now that’s all there is…anger and hate.”

She was shaking, her voice a broken whisper barely audible through the baby’s cries.

“I don’t deserve your hate. I didn’t take them from you. I was never your enemy.”

I walked out of the bathroom, and she followed me on my heels.

Keeping my back turned, I said, “I am only able to be who I am. I can’t fucking love you, okay?

I can’t. I told you in the beginning that I couldn’t.

Don’t act so surprised. I can’t protect you.

I can’t give you some happy fucking life with picket fences and babies.

I can’t be what you need. What you deserve. ”

I walked to the door and threw it open ready to fucking retreat like the coward I was, but then her pained soft voice broke through to me, and I could see her beautiful broken reflection on the glass in front of me.

“Can’t…or won’t?”