Page 39 of Take the Lead

Liam couldn’t look more relieved when I tell him I’ve decided to forgive him for selling the photos and that I just want to forget all about it.

He apologises again, as well as for what he said yesterday, and again offers to give me the money he was paid for the pictures – all of it this time – to make amends.

‘Let’s just leave it at that for now,’ I say, offering him my hand.

‘Sure,’ he says, shaking it. ‘But for the record, I do feel terrible about it.’

Beth comes running over when she sees the handshake, with Tammy trailing more tentatively behind.

‘Does this mean you guys are friends again?’ Beth asks.

‘We’re working on it,’ I confirm.

‘Oh yay! I hated that everything got so messed up.’

I think we all breathe a sigh of relief as Ros gets us to partner up so she can run through everything we learned yesterday before introducing some new moves.

This time I smile back when Merle shoots me his knowing looks, which I think is me being grown up, but which he seems to interpret as encouragement, because when we finish rehearsing three hours later – having opted to go straight through without a break and finish earlier this time – he corners me in the corridor when I’m on my way to the ladies before leaving the studio.

‘I couldn’t stop thinking about you last night,’ he says, his eyes searching mine.

‘Don’t, Merle,’ I start. But before I can tell him I’m not going to do this dance with him again, he strokes my cheek and adds, ‘I know you’re feeling it too.’

And no matter how much I want to deny it, my resolve wavers yet again. Because when he’s standing there in front of me, my body still yearns for him to kiss me. But I cling on to my last shred of willpower.

‘You should be saying this to Emilia.’ It’s meant to be said with conviction, but my voice sounds far away, and not like my own.

‘She doesn’t make me feel this,’ he says, taking my hand and pushing it against his trousers, so I can feel him growing hard.

An image of us having sex pops straight into my mind, right here in the corridor, my back against the wall, my legs round his waist …

but I pull my hand away. This is not happening again.

I don’t do it quickly enough, though.

‘Kate? Merle? What’s going on?’ Emilia’s voice shrills from behind me.

I spin round to face her, my face reddening as her expression tells me she knows exactly what was going on.

‘Nothing,’ I hastily assure her, turning to Merle to back me up. But he just smirks and stays silent.

‘Jesus, Merle,’ I mutter as I push past him and escape into the bathroom.

I slam the cubicle door shut behind me and put my head in my hands, furious with him – and with myself.

How can my self-control still yo-yo around him, when I don’t even like him any more?

It’s maddening. And why the hell did Emilia have to choose that exact moment to come looking for him?

I wonder how the conversation in the corridor is going, but when I emerge from the bathroom Merle and Emilia have gone. My heart sinks when I get back to the reception room and see her talking to Aleksis. I join them apprehensively.

‘Hi, I’m ready when you are.’ I keep my voice light as I touch his arm.

‘Sure, let’s go,’ he replies tersely, avoiding my eye. ‘See you tomorrow, Em,’ he adds, kissing both her cheeks before heading for the door.

‘See you tomorrow, guys,’ I call out to Beth, Tammy and Liam as I follow him out. He strides ahead, leaving me half-jogging to keep up.

‘I guess she told you then?’ I ask, dreading the answer but needing to know.

He stops abruptly and turns to face me.

‘How could you?’ he says, sounding so disappointed it makes me want to cry. ‘After everything we’ve been working towards, how could you risk throwing it all away like that?’

‘But it really wasn’t anything,’ I protest weakly. ‘It was just Merle trying to persuade me to get together with him again, that’s all.’

‘You had your hand down his trousers,’ he snaps.

‘It wasn’t—’ I’m silenced by the anger in his eyes.

‘How do you think Sofiya will feel about this?’

My heart sinks. ‘You’re going to tell her?’

‘I don’t know what I’m going to do. I need time to think.’

‘I know it looked bad but, honestly, nothing happened.’

‘Let’s just talk about it later,’ he says, ending the conversation.

We don’t speak again for the whole cab journey home.

I keep my head down and just scroll through my phone.

My Instagram following has really spiked after the news that I’m now living with Aleksis.

Suddenly more than twelve thousand people want to know more about me. I try not to let that terrify me.

I text Lucy to see if she’s around for a chat later, but she doesn’t reply.

She’s probably with Aiden, having a lovely time, and for a second I allow myself to feel jealous.

I’m glad she’s so happy, of course I am, but today it just reminds me what a shambles my own love life has been lately. I wonder if I’ll ever get it right.

Back at the flat, Aleksis goes straight off to his room for a bath and tells me to help myself to whatever I want in the kitchen.

I should be starving, but the strained atmosphere has killed my appetite, so I grab a glass of wine, which I drink too quickly while I beat myself up for being such an idiot – again.

I’m working my way through my fourth glass and am far from sober when Aleksis finally emerges from the bathroom.

He looks sexy with his wet hair glistening and his skin flushed from the hot water, which only makes me feel more forlorn.

Why couldn’t it be him who was into me instead of bloody Merle?

Why can’t I just end up with a nice guy for once?

I feel my eyes getting watery with a combination of alcohol and self-pity.

‘What’s wrong?’ Aleksis asks irritably, clearly still angry with me.

‘I’m fine,’ I reply unconvincingly.

He pours a glass of water and hands it to me, attempting to extract the wine glass from my other hand at the same time, but not before I manage another slug.

‘I’m not going to tell Sofiya, okay?’ he says. ‘It won’t help anyone.’

A tear escapes and rolls down my cheek.

‘Don’t do that.’

I look away, but he can tell I’m crying.

‘Hey,’ he says more gently. ‘What’s that for?’

‘Because I’m making such a mess of this,’ I sob.

‘I don’t know why. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve just been convincing myself I’m okay with everything – with Liam and Merle and the photos and everything – when really I’m not.

Or if it’s the pressure of the show. But it’s too much. I’m crumbling.’

‘You’re being hard on yourself. You’ve had a lot to deal with.’

‘But I could have dealt with it so much better. I kissed him,’ I confess, my tears in full flow now. ‘Merle, I mean.’

His body stiffens.

‘Not today. At the first rueda practice, after it all blew up with Liam. He made a move on me and for a couple of seconds I kissed him because I wasn’t thinking rationally.

I was so angry with Liam and I was just caught up in the moment.

It made me feel awful and I wish it hadn’t happened.

It was so stupid and now I feel like I’ve ruined everything and you probably hate me. ’

‘I don’t hate you,’ he says quietly, but he’s standing so still I can tell he’s shocked.

I’m vaguely aware I should probably have saved this revelation for a conversation with Lucy, but I plough on anyway, fuelled by wine and regret.

‘I nearly ruined all our hard work. And for what? For a stupid kiss with an awful man who has no idea how to treat other people. I don’t want to waste my time on someone like that.

I don’t want to be sneaking around grabbing secret kisses with someone who’s just biding their time till something better comes along. That’s not what I want.’

‘Perhaps it’s time to start thinking about what you do want,’ he suggests.

‘I want this.’ I wave my hand between the two of us. ‘To be with someone nice, who makes me feel good about myself and makes me laugh. I want this , the bloody fairy-tale.’

‘But this isn’t real.’ He says it gently, like he’s trying to soften the blow.

‘I know.’ I sniff, rubbing my eyes and smearing mascara across my cheeks. ‘And that’s what makes all this so much worse.’

The pause that follows is so long I think Aleksis must be trying to think of a polite way to tell me he regrets letting me move in and would like me to leave.

I could hardly blame him. And my heart sinks when he eventually he says, ‘Look, if we’re going to do confessions tonight, I’ve got one as well. ’

I can’t believe we haven’t even managed to make it through the second night.

‘Let’s just say, I really don’t like the thought of you with Merle, okay?’ he says softly, like he’s not sure he should be admitting it. ‘And it’s not just because of Sofiya.’

I peer at him through puffy eyes, not sure if I’ve heard him correctly.

‘The thing is, I know we’re just pretending to be in a relationship, but it doesn’t always feel like it.

And when Emilia told me what she saw, it’s not so much that I was angry with you for putting our plan at risk, but more that I was worried about how it would change this. ’ He pauses. ‘Change us.’

I suck in my breath. So he’s been feeling exactly the same way I have? It sounds that way, but I need to be sure. I shake my head, trying to clear the wine fog that’s settled over me. ‘Are you saying what I think you’re saying?’

He takes the water glass from me and sets it down on the counter, then he tilts my chin up and kisses me lightly on my lips.

‘This is what I’m saying,’ he confirms.

Then we kiss again, for much longer time this time. And when we finally break away, I can’t stop staring at him, not trusting myself to speak. He wipes the moisture from under my eyes and asks, ‘So, is this okay?’

And I’m not sure if the room is spinning from the kiss or from the wine as he sways in front of me. But the next thing I know, there’s daylight creeping under my bedroom curtains and I’m under the duvet, on my own, fully clothed, with no idea how I got there – unsure if I imagined the whole thing.