Page 2

Mistaken for Sasquatch

Daniel

Can your teeth shatter from chattering too hard?

I know it’s a stupid question to ponder when I’m in the alley behind a dive bar, wearing a hot pink mankini, but I think the bitter cold has affected my ability to think rationally.

“I c-can’t believe you t-talked me into this.” Violent shivers punctuate each word as I wrap my arms tightly around my torso in a last-ditch effort to conserve body heat.

Charlie bounces from foot to foot, not faring much better. He shoots me a wry grin. “Hey, you agreed to it, b-buddy. No backing out n-now.”

I glare at him, but there’s no real heat behind it, because the frigid air has stolen it all from me. My insides have turned to ice, and I swear my balls have retreated deep inside my body. “I hate you s-so much.”

“No, you don’t. Because w-we look h-hot!”

I study my reflection in the grimy window of the bar, barely recognizing myself, and grimace.

The mankini fits snugly in all the wrong places, emphasizing every curve and bulge of my athletic frame.

The straps dig into my broad shoulders, and the fabric rides up my ass, making me wonder how in the world women find thongs a comfortable fashion choice.

I don’t mind the way the getup accentuates my upper body. But I do mind the way it puts my ass on full display. Years of squatting behind home plate have blessed me with a backside that won’t quit—much to my eternal embarrassment.

I risk a peek over at Charlie and immediately regret it. He looks infuriatingly good and much more at ease in his mankini. Where I’m all bulky muscle, he’s lean and toned, with long, sinewy limbs.

As if sensing my gaze, he turns his head and catches me staring. His face splits into an even wider grin. “See something you like, Danny Boy? I know I’m pretty irresistible in this thing.” He executes a pirouette and nearly topples into the smelly dumpster.

I roll my eyes, fighting back a smile despite my predicament. “Fuck off. I’m just jealous of your hairless ass. Mine could be mistaken for Sasquatch’s over here.”

“Hey, don’t put yourself down, Danny Boy. That furry rump of yours will keep your cheeks from getting frostbite.”

“Small miracles,” I mutter while working hard to unstick the fabric from my crack.

My hairy ass has always been one of my biggest insecurities. It started back in high school when Ash Thompson made a comment about it in the locker room. “Hey, Hollingsworth! You better be careful sliding into home. Might start a brush fire.” Hardy-har-har.

I foolishly believed the teasing would die down in college, but if anything, it got worse.

When Olivia and I first started dating, we went to the beach, where she caught a glimpse of my bare ass when my board shorts slipped down as I walked out of the ocean.

“Damn, Daniel! Did you forget to mow the backyard?” It was the first time I realized how much of a filter she lacked. “You should really consider getting that waxed. No girl wants to get with a guy whose ass is hairier than an ape’s.”

Her words stung, striking right at the heart, even if it wasn’t her intention .

Surprisingly, Charlie’s the only one who’s ever had anything positive to say about my ass. The first time he saw it, he whistled and said, “Dude! That’s a glorious fur coat. Bet it keeps you warm in the winter.”

I didn’t know whether to be flattered or utterly mortified. But that’s Charlie for you—always looking on the bright side of life. His easy acceptance simultaneously intrigues and confuses me.

Chancing another glance at him as he stretches, I admire the smooth planes of his back and the twin dimples right above his backside.

I’ve seen Charlie’s ass countless times in the locker room, but I’ve never truly taken the time to study it.

Under the harsh glare of the nightlife, I notice a small mole above his right cheek.

It’s a tiny imperfection on an otherwise flawless canvas.

There’s also a faint scar, no more than an inch long, gracing the back of his upper thigh.

I wonder how he got it. Probably doing something reckless and stupid, knowing him.

As he shifts his weight, the muscles in his glutes flex and ripple. A strange, unfamiliar heat pools in my belly as I continue to stare, unable to tear my eyes from it, even though I know I should.

“Earth to Danny Boy!” Charlie’s voice snaps me out of my trance. “You still with me, bro?”

I blink rapidly, a hot flush creeping up my neck that has nothing to do with the cold. “Y-yeah, I’m good. I think I zoned out for a sec.”

He eyes me curiously but doesn’t press further.

Suddenly, the creaky back door of the dive bar swings open.

I turn, expecting to see some drunk patron coming out for a smoke break and laughing their ass off at us, but it’s only Olivia.

She’s bundled up in her puffy black jacket, a thick red scarf, and a knit hat pulled low over her ears.

I’ve never been so jealous of winter attire in my entire life. I so badly want to be swaddled in all those layers. The icy fingers of wind are groping me in places I’ve never been groped.

“Don’t you two look positively titillating,” she says, her eyes raking over us in fascination. “I must say, I wasn’t sure either of you’d actually go through with this.”

“We’re m-men of our word,” Charlie declares through chattering teeth. He puffs out his chest, but the gesture loses some of its bravado when his body becomes racked with shivers.

Olivia’s lips twitch at our misfortune. “As impressive as this display of masculinity is, we’re only a couple of hours away from midnight. So, let’s get this show on the road, huh?”

“We’re walking down the street and back, right?” I ask, despite knowing my girlfriend well enough to know she has something more sinister up her sleeve.

“Fuck that,” she scoffs. “I want you to walk around the block three times.”

“What? Three times?!” Charlie and I yelp in unison, our voices hitting an octave neither of us knew we could reach.

“Yep,” Olivia confirms with a nod. “And to commemorate this moment…” She reaches into her jacket pocket and pulls out her phone. The telltale sound of the camera shutter rapid-firing makes my insides shrivel. “Smile, boys! You’re going to be famous.”

Or laughingstocks. But I keep that thought to myself and instead convey the depth of my unadulterated loathing through my eyes since my mouth seems to have frozen shut. Charlie, on the other hand, embraces the moment the way he always does.

“You got it, Liv!” He throws her a wink and a jaunty salute, clicking his heels like a modern major general. “Danny Boy and I will give you a night you won’t forget!”

He holds out his hand and patiently waits for me to take it. I eye his calloused palm warily, worried that my skin will get stuck to his like a tongue on a frozen pole. Glancing up, I nearly get lost in the hopefulness in his eyes.

With a sigh, I give in. “Let’s get this over with before my balls turn into ice cubes.”

We exit the alley and step onto the sidewalk, our bare feet slapping against the icy concrete. The frigid wind bites into my exposed skin, raising goosebumps all over my body.

This is going to be the longest walk of my life.

By the time we’ve circled the block once, we’ve attracted more attention than a circus act, and Olivia has left us for the warmth of the bar.

The second trek around the block turns out even more miserable than the first. My feet have gone completely numb, and I’m fairly certain my nose hairs have frozen together. I glance over at Charlie, who’s favoring his left foot.

“You okay, man?” I ask, my words muffled by my stiff, uncooperative lips. They’re cracked as hell too. I’m going to need to soak them in a tub of Vaseline when we get home.

Charlie glances down at his bare feet and wiggles his toes experimentally. “Not really, Danny Boy. I think I stepped in a wad of gum back there. At least, I hope it was gum. It’s frozen solid, now.”

“Shit, seriously?” It’s hard to make out much detail in the dim glow of the streetlights. “Your toes are turning blue.”

“Yeah, I can’t really feel them anymore.” His laugh comes out shakily. “Guess this might have been a dare we should have turned down, huh? How’re your toes doing?”

I’m about to check when movement at the end of the sidewalk catches my eye. Two cops have rounded the corner, their heavy boots clomping on the salt-strewn pavement. “Shit. Charlie, we’ve got company.”

He follows my gaze. “You don’t think they’ll arrest us for public indecency, do you?”

“I don’t want to stick around and find out.” I grab his arm, ignoring the way my fingers fuse themselves to his skin, and tug him in the opposite direction.

As we take off down the sidewalk, the cops spot us. They shout, their voices carrying over the howling wind. “Hey! Stop right there!”

Fat chance of that happening. We round the corner at breakneck speed, and in my haste, I nearly wipe out on a patch of ice. Luckily, Charlie’s hand shoots out to steady me.

“Careful there, Sasquatch,” he pants. “Can’t have you breaking a hip before the season starts.”

I want to quip back, but all my oxygen is being used to keep myself alive right now. My breath puffs out in white clouds, and every inhale causes my lungs to constrict.

We weave through the crowded streets, dodging drunken revelers and clusters of confused tourists. The cops are hot on our heels, their shouts growing louder with each passing block. “I said stop! NYPD!”

The smart thing would have been to run back to the dive bar, but Charlie and I have never been the brightest when we’re together. Plus, I don’t want to drag Olivia into the mess that she technically made.

“In your dreams, pigs!” Charlie yells over his shoulder. He flips them the bird for good measure.

I’m not sure if Charlie calling them pigs or giving them the middle finger pisses them off more, but either way, they suddenly gain on us.

“Requesting backup on Forty-Second,” one of the cops says into his walkie. “In pursuit of two males in…uh, pink swimsuits?”

If I wasn’t about to shit myself from fear, I might have laughed. And corrected them.

Charlie and I make another sharp turn that leads us into an empty alley that ends up being a dead end. Literally and figuratively.

“Shit.” Charlie braces his hands on his knees. “We’re trapped!”

I spin around in search of a way out, but there’s nothing. Only rusting fire escapes and overflowing dumpsters. A few mice scurry by, adding to the ambience.

The cops block the mouth of the alley, their chests heaving as much as ours are. The flickering streetlamp causes their silhouettes to appear menacing as they advance slowly, their Tasers drawn and pointed right at us.

“Nowhere to run now, boys,” says the taller of the two. “You’ve had your fun. Now it’s time for us to have ours.”

“Not a chance,” Charlie spits.

The cops take another step forward, and that’s when I hear it. The crackle of electricity.

Holy shit. They’re not just holding Tasers. They’re planning to use them regardless of whether we cooperate.

Time slows down as one of the cops’ fingers presses down on the trigger.

“No!” The word rips from my throat, raw and desperate. I lunge sideways and try to shove Charlie out of the line of fire. But my limbs have grown heavy and numb from the cold.

The dart hits me square in the right ass cheek, the tongs burying deep into my hairy flesh.

For a split second, I feel nothing at all. They’re fake, is my first thought. But then…

Searing agony rips through me as my muscles seize and spasm.

I slam onto the filthy ground, flopping like a fish as my eyes roll into the back of my head.

The last thing I see before the darkness takes over is my best friend suffering the same fate.