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“Ready for your hot chocolate?” she asked.
I thought about that.
“I think I’ll have coffee instead.”
She eyed me, surprised, and then nodded.
We sat on the couch and she handed me a cup of hot coffee with sugar and cream. I sipped it. It was a little bitter, but bitter suited me.
“I know that you’re going through a dark time right now,” Patti said, rubbing my arm. “I need you to be strong. When you’re hurting and afraid is when you need to dig the deepest.”
I nodded, but I wasn’t feeling strong. I didn’t feel like the kind of person who was worthy of being entrusted with a heavenly artifact. I felt like a little girl pretending to be a coffee drinker.
She must have sensed my self-doubt, because she reached across our laps and hugged me hard enough to squeeze my head off, nearly spilling our coffees.
I ran again that afternoon. Next I read, or tried to, at least. Then I ate a ginormous bowl of rocky-road ice cream. When that was finished I listened to all the songs that used to be my favorites but somehow no longer evoked any feeling. I missed Kaidan’s playlist.
Patti’s constant company helped put a crack in my dark demeanor, and a tiny sliver of light now seeped in. But I needed something more. It was time to dunk myself into the ultimate cheer tank, something I’d been avoiding.
I called Jay.
“You’re home! What’s up, girl? How was it?”
I relaxed into the couch at the sound of his voice. “It was... good. I’m glad I went.”
“Good? Good?! Okay, I can see you’re gonna be difficult. I’m coming over. Stay right where you are, shorty.”
Jay was in my living room in record time, full of life and a yellow-orange energy. He picked me up in a bear hug and I squealed. In the week since I’d seen him, his hair had grown into a thick fuzz, and his little chin hair was longer, too. He sprawled himself on the couch and I sat cross-legged in the recliner.
“First of all,” he started, “how long did it take for you to fall for him?”
His tone was superlight, but I blanched.
“Lemme guess,” he said. “Two days!”
“Four,” I said softly.
Jay let out a whoot and smacked his knee.
“Stronger than the average girl.” He gave me a proud grin. “Wait, you’re not really, like, in love or whatever, are you?”
“I love him.”
“Geez, don’t sound too happy about it.”
“Think about who we’re discussing here,” I reminded him.
He registered that. “Did he hurt you?”
“Not physically.”
“Did you guys do it? Not that it’s any of my business, but did you?”
“No.” Thanks to Kaidan.
I concentrated on the unraveling upholstery on the arm of the recliner.
“You okay?” he asked.
“Not yet.”
“Damn.” He sat back on the couch and looked out the back door. “Well, don’t take it too hard. You’re way too sweet for him anyway.”
I swallowed hard.
“How’d it go with your dad?” he asked.
This was more comfortable ground, although I’d have to filter almost the entire conversation.
“It was good. He’s got a shaved head like a big, scary biker.” I got a cozy feeling as I thought of my dad. “I’m glad I met him. I think he’ll be a big part of my life now, weird as it sounds.”
“That’s awesome, Anna.”
“Yeah.” I told him all about my dad’s redemption found in prison, and how he might be getting out soon. I was already looking forward to seeing him again.
Patti came home, an aura of soft blue relief blooming around her when she saw me with Jay. He hopped up to greet her with a hug.
“Good to see you, Miss Whitt.”
“So good to see you, too, Jay.” She rubbed his head. “And please, won’t you ever just call me Patti?”
A feeling of normalcy crept back into my life with the two of them there. For those few precious moments I was happy, not thinking about anything else. Until Jay lifted his chin and looked at my neck.
“Hey, I like that necklace. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you wear jewelry. You get that on the trip?”
I brought my hand up to the stone. “Yeah. Kai got it for me.”
We all became still at the uncomfortable mention of his name. Patti and Jay exchanged a glance. I cleared my throat and shoved my hands in my pockets.
“So,” Jay said, clasping his hands and rocking back on his heels. “How ’bout them Braves?”
On the fifth day I knew Kaidan would have made it home. I held my breath and called him. I listened to every charming word of his voice mail, then hung up. That evening I sat on my bed and called again. This time I left a message.
“Hi, Kai, um, Kaidan. It’s me. Anna. I’m just trying to see if you made it home safely. I’m sure you probably did. Just checking. You can call me anytime. If you want. Anyway. Okay, bye.”
I hung up and buried my shamed face into a pillow. Now I was leaving messages after he’d made it clear he wanted zero to do with me? Next thing I knew I’d be frequenting his shows to give him psycho stares from the back, and then doing late-night drive-bys to see what girl he was bringing home. The thought of him with another girl made me writhe in discomfort and curl up in the fetal position.
Day six was our first day of back-to-school shopping. We still had a month before school began, but the state issued a tax-free day, so stores were having big sales. I eyed all the teensy skirts and fashionable shirts dangling on mannequins. I tried to imagine Kaidan’s reaction if I came dressed like that to one of his shows, some guy other than Jay on my arm. Ugly stalker thoughts. I was full of them.