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I checked the mail and took it up to the apartment when I got home from school. Patti wasn’t home from work yet.
I almost threw the small postcard away with the rest of the junk mail, but the Arizona postmark caught my attention.
It was hard to say how long I stared at that postcard, overwhelmed, before I grabbed my keys. I ran out of the apartment, in a hurry to drive and get my bearings. It didn’t matter where. I just needed to be on the open road.
Halfway to Atlanta I ended up at the top of Lookout Point. Since it was the middle of the day, I was the only one up there. I felt the rush of being somewhere otherwise forbidden, and staring out at the great expanse, I understood why I’d been drawn to that particular place.
I cut the car off and sat there looking at the postcard in my lap. On the front was a picture of the Grand Canyon. Though it was a beautiful scene, I knew the picture could not do it justice. I flipped the postcard over and read the tiny, boxy scratch of male handwriting next to my name and address.
I’m sorry.
That was all it said. But those two words spoke many things to me. Sorrow and regret. Heartache and lost opportunity. And ultimately, sacrifice.
I tried to imagine Kaidan driving a moving van with all his stuff, making a detour and standing at the edge of the enormous abyss. How small he must have felt. Did he realize, as I did now, that it was all so much bigger than us?
I climbed out of the car, clutching the postcard in my hand and bracing myself against the chilly wind of the higher altitude. Walking to the roped edge, I looked out at the vastness of the divide. Our own canyon, though not so grand. The valley before me dipped low, and every inch of plant life was covered in a leafy vine, like a rain forest jungle. Kudzu: the vine that ate the South. I’d always thought it was beautiful, in a wild sort of way, but not today. Today I felt bad for the trees that suffocated underneath.
I pulled out my cell phone, scrolled down, and dialed before I had time to change my mind. I didn’t know what I’d say or what I wanted to hear him say. I didn’t even care if we said nothing, and simply shared silent airtime. Maybe I could bask in the sound of his voice mail one last time....
“The number you dialed has been disconnected....”
Or not. I hung up, shoving the phone in my pocket and letting my head fall back as the wind picked up.
It was over. Truly over. My eyes fluttered closed and I heard the patter of rain moments before I felt it against my skin. The fresh drops from heaven were soft on my face. In that moment I was embraced by the elements, comforted just as if Patti held me in her arms. In the safety of that feeling, I let the pain tumble out of my heart with cries I’d held in. I grieved with my face in my hands until there was nothing left to cry. I lifted my face to the sky once again, letting the rain wash away the salty tears.
Now I understood what Kai tried to get me to see: There was nothing healthy about desperately wanting something you couldn’t have. I would never have a husband and children. He would never have the freedom to let himself be loved. And each time we saw each other was a painful reminder of those facts.
Patti told me that to truly love someone, you must hold them in an open hand. That was how I needed to love Kai. It was necessary to uncurl my fingers and let him go.
As if pleased with my revelation, the rain stopped and another wind blew through. Clouds shifted until a ray of winter sun poured across the valley and onto the peak of Lookout Point, warming my face, encouraging me. I nodded and took a deep breath, managing a small smile. I might have inherited a legacy of sin from my father, but I was also given a heritage of hope from my mother, and that was the one I needed to embrace.
I didn’t know if I would ever see Kaidan again, or when, but I knew I would love him all my life. We would always have our memories: the sound of each other’s laughter and the feel of each other’s lips. I’d always know he’d been willing to die for me. Nobody could take those things away.
Like humans, I had no idea what was in store for me or how my life might be used in the scheme of things. But I didn’t doubt I would, indeed, be used. If life was a game, like everyone said, then I wanted to win. I held up my hands to the heavens.
Deal me in.