Page 17

Sixteen. Did my heart just flutter?

Vera

May

S hould have known the Pondicherry trip was going to be a hot mess when I forgot to put on my bangles this morning. I don’t have lucky charms, but the stack of dull gold bracelets have accompanied my old school Casio watch since my late twenties. Taking them off every night and slipping them back on before work is a ritual I take very seriously.

Waking up alone, the scent of Elias wrapped around me, was an unexpected distraction. We discussed our schedules and his early departure shouldn’t have been a surprise, but it still occupied my mind as I got ready for the day.

His texts came through during my first meeting and I was too busy to check my phone until I was halfway to Pondy hours later. By then, another set of texts were waiting for me. And every time I try his phone, it’s ‘unreachable’. I’m worried about him, because the last few weeks introduced me to a different side of Elias. Now that I know the extent of his injury, there is the possibility he might not play this year. I’m hoping he might be able to join the T20 World Cup? 1 at the very least. Every time I bring it up, he brushes it off. I’m not a superstitious person and I don’t believe in luck, but I respect his beliefs and processes. So I finally stopped saying anything.

Crossing my fingers and toes! If they say you’re not ready, SHOW them you are. Prove to them you’re exactly what they need right now.

I’ll call you tonight, okay?

When I don’t hear back from him after I checked in for the conference, I put my phone on silent and stash it in my bag. I don’t want to be the kind of person who holds her phone during panel discussions or looks disinterested while others speak. Even if none of them have anything new to say, I know pretending they’re interesting is important.

However, the panel itself is an absolute disaster.

The session features prominent South Indian CEOs from different fields and the purpose is to encourage young minds to aspire for the top. I’m the only woman. And the only person under fifty. Of the six of us, five should have retired centuries ago—typical male CEOs who believe everything comes easy. Most have generational wealth and took over family businesses, and being men definitely work in their favour. The questions they got? Brilliant. I, on the other hand, was constantly referred to as a ‘female CEO’. The questions I get are also sexist to the point of pain— what do female CEOs wear to work everyday? and do you have a daily routine to look flawless to take over the world? —and I answer them the best I can. But they genuinely don’t care about my successes or achievements.

“What Miss Vera isn’t saying is everything happens for a reason,” one of the panelists says with a chuckle.

Fucking imbecile . “Miss Vera can speak for herself, thank you,” I counter, offering him my sweetest ‘don’t fuck with me’ smile before turning to the crowd. “A lot of success can be credited to luck and the life you’re born into. But it’s important to remember that even if you start at the bottom, you can make your way to the top. Everything does happen for a reason, but you can be the catalyst. Set your own path and don’t let anyone tell you you’re not good enough. Building a business is often a two way street. You have to give a lot of yourself to get to the corner office.”

The students are silent at that, staring at me slack jawed as my fellow panelists fumble to respond. I fight the smile as a young student raises her hand and stands up, directing a question to me.

“What’s your advice for those of us stepping into the workforce soon?”

“Fight for what you want. There’ll always be wrong jobs and bad bosses, but think of them as stepping stones. You can learn something from every career, good or bad, and work your way around it the next time. I spent most of my post-college life working for people who didn’t see my potential, until one person did. It took me years, but I knew all the ways to navigate the shark-infested waters. I’ll be honest with you, finding the right job isn’t going to be easy and the struggles will test you every single day, but I promise it’ll be worth it at the end.”

There’s more fussing and fidgeting beside me. I ignore them and smile at the young girl beaming up at me. These men don’t know the meaning of hard work. They were handed their CEO titles on a silver platter. The idea of wading through bad jobs never even occurred to them and I’ve got plenty of experience doing it.

When the moderator finally closes the panel, a hoard of students surround me with more questions. I answer them and feel fucking good about inspiring them. My chest expands with joy, because this is exactly what I hoped for.

With pride and my head held high, I can leave tomorrow.

Back home. Back to Elias.

Did my heart just flutter?

While the most unexpected sensation, this isn’t the first time. Last night, while we were making dinner together, he hugged me and kissed the side of my head. Heart flutter . In bed, he cracked these really dumb jokes and laughed at himself, the sound seeping into my soul. Heart tripped and fluttered . Then this morning when I saw his texts. Fluttered away, this damn heart .

I put it down to being worried about him, but it’s obvious my feelings are getting the best of me. After Ajay, I vowed to be careful about who I gave my heart to. Then Rakesh took it, ripped it into tiny pieces and stomped all over it. So I don’t really trust my gut every time; she’s led me astray before. That’s why one night stands are enough—few orgasms and I move on. Elias changed that entirely. He’s my first fuck buddy and if my heart has any say in it, he will be my last.

There she goes, fluttering again .

After talking to the students, answering their burning questions and salvaging what could have been the hottest mess known to womankind, I check into my hotel. I shower off the hot day, change out of my power suit and into jeans and a T-shirt before heading to their coffee shop to get myself an early dinner. The minute I sit down, my phone starts buzzing. I read the first message and call him instead.

“Peaches,” he mumbles and warmth spreads over me. “Everything okay?”

“What happened in the meeting?”

He chuckles, low and rough. “Didn’t you read the rest of my texts?”

“Obviously not. Wanted to hear your voice.”

“How’s Pondy?”

“Answer my question first.”

Sighing loudly, he says, “I met with the whole senior management and they spent a really long time going over my scans. Dr. Theo gave them a full presentation about my recovery. They seemed impressed with my dedication, but they’re still holding our first night together against me.”

“Ugh, I’m sorry.” A frustrated growl escapes me as I add, “Well, fuck ‘em. Did you tell them you’re ready?”

“Easy, baby,” he says softly and my heart all but collapses. “And yes, I did. They let me practise today and it felt so fucking good. I was so worried something would go wrong, but my shoulder held up.”

I exhale, hand on my chest. A waiter brings my food and I thank him. “What about playing time?”

“Where are you?”

“Getting some food.” Missing you .

“Alone?”

“Obviously.”

He clears his throat. “Thought you might be hanging out with folks from the conference.”

“Are you jealous, superstar?”

“Undoubtedly. How was it, though?”

“It started off rough, but I salvaged the day.” He chuckles as I tell him how I put those men in their place, answered more questions than I thought I would and how good it all feels.

“ You’re the superstar here, peaches.”

“Eh. I don’t like assholes who don’t do the work telling other people what to do. So, what did they say about playing time?”

Elias sighs and my heart clenches at the defeat in his voice. “They didn’t seem confident about it, so I’m not getting my hopes up.”

“No. Do not give up.”

He laughs and it relaxes my shoulders. “I’m not, but I’m also not getting ahead of myself. You know? Maybe when you get back we can renegotiate your deal?”

“And why would I do that?”

“Because I’m one step closer and I should be rewarded.”

I laugh, heart fluttering her way back to Chennai. “I’ll consider it.”

“Thanks. I’ll let you get back to dinner. See you tomorrow.”

“Night, superstar.”

“Good night, sweetheart,” he whispers and I tingle all over.

Mine , my heart screams.

I wake up late the next morning, with enough time to eat and check out. So while I get ready, I order room service and a big helping of coffee. Halfway through eating my breakfast, I get a voice note from Elias. Even defeated and low, talking to him last night was comforting. So when I hit play on his message, the sound of his deep tone makes me quiver.

“Good morning, peaches. Sorry for the voice message, but I’m wearing gloves and can’t type. I’m at the practice ground, waiting my turn at the stumps. I asked the coach again about today’s match and he was noncommittal, but I’m not giving up. I promise. It’s easy to accept the end, you know? Anyway, uh…can’t wait to see you tonight. Get home safe.”

I smile at the surety in his words. There’s a hint of something else, but I don’t have enough time to decipher it. Rushing through my packing and checking out, I climb into my car and start the three hour drive back to Chennai. While I love visiting Pondy, this trip wasn’t about pleasure. That’s something I can do another day. Maybe with Elias , my heart kindly suggests and I wave her off.

Despite all this internal chaos, I’m choosing not to analyse these feelings. It’s easier to ignore them a little longer, because the minute I accept them, I’m so fucking screwed. Allowing myself to be with Elias isn’t the worst thing in the world, but I’ve been down this down road twice and it ended with me in pieces. It could be different, better , this time. But there’s no guarantee of that either.

When I reach my front door three hours later, a huge floral arrangement is sitting on my doormat. The tall glass vase is filled with every flower in the universe—roses, peonies, lilies, carnations, dahlias in every shade imaginable—and a card is tucked into the top. Opening the door, I carry the vase inside and set it on my table, then reach for the note.

And the flutter? A full-blown ripple that has me practically vibrating.

I’m glad I got to speak to you last night, but it made me miss you even more. Like the desert misses the rain. That was a really good song, nobody writes stuff like it anymore.

I didn’t know what kind of flowers you like, so I made sure to buy them all. Maybe you’ll find a favourite in this somewhere.

Thanks for always believing in me.

xo, E

I press the card to my chest and close my eyes. Because this is the kind of shit boyfriends do. Not fuck buddies or friends, even the ones without benefits. The only people who buy me flowers are Tamara and my brothers. I spend tons of money every year on arrangements for my mother and my girlfriends.

And if I’m being honest, it’s less about the flowers and more about the note.

Lilies are my favourite. But this is gorgeous and I feel spoiled, so thank you. Do you have a favourite? Asking for a “friend”.

I take a picture and send it to Tamara, because I know my cousin will appreciate it. And she replies instantly. Chuckling, I read through her texts while changing into shorts and a tank top.

Tamara

Are you seriously going to tell me this boy isn’t in love with you?

because that bouquet says otherwise.

I hope you’re going to dick him down so good tonight after drinks

because if I was getting that…hooo boy, he’d need an ice pack afterwards

Ask him to join us for drinks tonight

Kabir says he’s still benched, so he should join us.

Speaking of which…I have updates.

I frown at the last two messages, because we do not talk about Kabir. A quick check of my conversation with Elias shows he hasn’t seen my text. I call him and get a ‘switched off’ message and figure he’s probably still at practice. I’ve barely set my phone down when it starts ringing and “Rock You Like a Hurricane” plays loudly, startling me.

“When did you change my ringtone?”

“You left me on read!” Tamara yells and clears her throat. “Also I changed it a year ago. Why are you ignoring me?”

I roll my eyes and collapse onto my bed. “I love you, but the dramatics are a bit much, no?”

“ Whatever. How was Pondy?”

Groaning, I turn onto my side and tell her all about the conference. She’s my soul sister and reacts in the right ways, so I add some masala to the story for the fun of it.

“You’re a total badass,” she says when I’m done.

“I know. It felt really good when those kids were interested in me , you know? Anyway, enough about me. What updates do you have?”

“I dumped him.”

I sit up with a start, eyes wide. “Whoa.”

“I know you’ve told me to do this for years and I don’t know why I was stopping myself, but I did it and I feel good. Really good.”

When Tamara and Kabir started dating eight years ago, I warned her he wasn’t the kind of guy that would settle down. He likes the good times and parties like he’s still in his twenties. He’s stoned a lot and gets drunk every single night. He’s also the kind of guy who expects his girlfriend to do things for him, while never lifting a finger for her.

My breaking point was when he tried to put a rift between me and Tamara by claiming I hit on him at a family dinner.

In the words of Cher Horowitz: As if!

Even though she didn’t believe him and knew I would never do anything to mess with her relationship, I backed off. She’s one of the most important people in my life and I didn’t want to lose her. But hearing she finally ended things makes me happy as fuck.

“You feeling good is all that matters, Tam.” I try to keep the joy out of my voice and don’t succeed.

“You can gloat if you want.”

I gasp dramatically. “Me? Gloat? I would never!”

She laughs. “Here’s what you should gloat about, the man buying you flowers.”

“I caught feelings, Tam.”

My best-friend-slash-cousin goes silent for a long time and I hear something pop before the sound of her hooting follows. “Fuck yes!”

“Oh, fuck off.” I laugh at her continued celebration.

“The sex is that good, right?”

“And he’s so… perfect .”

“Good, you deserve someone who can dick you down good and be perfect as shit. So, is he joining us tonight?”

“I doubt it. He’s practising, but they keep a close watch on him now. He needs to get back on the field, where he belongs.”

“He belongs in your bed.”

“He most certainly does, but have you seen him play? He’s incredible.”

“Are you watching cricket, Vee?”

I blush, tucking my hair away. “I’ve got people bringing me all the footage I need.”

“You hired someone to stalk him? Ballsy.”

“We’re working with the Renegades on their marketing and PR,” I say, laughing at her shocked gasp.

“Ooooooh. So your staff don’t know the Renegades star is boinking their boss when they bring footage and information back to you.”

“You’re making this sound scandalous.”

“If I was you and fucking a professional athlete, I’d do this too.”

“I believe you’d do so much more.”

She cackles. “I guess we’ll never find out, because I’m taking a break from men for a while.”

“Women can be professional athletes too, you know.”

“Find me one. Because all the women I meet are anything but.”

I snort. “Poor you.”

“Maybe there’ll be someone interesting tonight.”

“I’ll enlist the girls to make that happen.”

Tamara scoffs. “Please don’t. But anyway, he’s coming by to get the last of things, so I should go.”

We say our goodbyes and hang up. I call Elias and get the same message, so I send him another text in case he sees it while I’m out.

Don’t practise too hard, you need to reserve some of that strength for when I see you tonight.