Page 106 of Stay With Me

“That’s why you don’t hire your friends,” he said to nobody in particular.

Especially when your friends are douche bags.

He pursed his lips together as he was hit over the head by the realization that the only reason his friends were douche bags was becausehewas a douche bag and always had been.

“Not anymore,” he muttered, again to nobody in particular.

This was no small mess and his heart rate began to pick up at the thought of not only Chase’s antics, but also the conversation he needed to have with Sammie. The conversation that he couldn’t help feeling would have a catastrophic outcome.

* * *

For the first time since being on his heavy pain medication, Nick hardly slept a wink. His muscles, as well as his stomach, were tied up in knots. He needed to talk to Sammie, and he needed to do it soon. Waiting was making it worse. He was now convinced of that—which only made him not want to do it at all.

She’d hate him. But maybe she wouldn’t. Maybe his dad was right. Maybe she loved him too. It sure felt like she did. But maybe that was his perception of her, still intensely spliced with memories of an entire lifetime of them loving each other, albeit memories of a lifetime that only existed in his dream.

But his dad didn’t know anything about the dream, and he seemed to be convinced of it. Surely, that had to count for something,right?

Nick scrubbed his hands through his hair and stared at the obnoxiously tiny window across the room, pretending it was Sammie and squinting his eyes to recall the moment in his dream when he fessed up. What had he said then? It clearly went over well that time so he should probably say that to her.

“I need a do-over,” he said to the window. “I haven’t been a good person, and unfortunately when I met you, I wasn’t a good person then. I did things I shouldn’t have, and I need to tell you about them because I want to start over. I’m not the person I was and I want to do things right this time because I know I’m not that guy anymore.”

What did you do?imaginary Sammie asked.

“I had a bad habit of taking women back into my office, so when I told you I’d never done that before, it wasn’t the truth. So, first of all, I need to apologize for lying to you.”

Oh,imaginary Sammie said.

He wondered if that’s really how she might respond to something like that.

“When I started seeing you that weekend, I decided not to hook up with any other women until after I gave us a chance—”

He stopped himself abruptly, biting his lip.

That wasn’t exactly the truth. But how could he possibly say,at first you were nothing more than a challenge I wanted to overcomewithout sounding like a total asshole?

But maybe that wasn’t exactly the truth either.

“You were different and I saw that immediately,” he went on.Thatwas the truth. “I warred with my typical behavior because I was conflicted over feelings I’d never had before. In retrospect, I think I was falling in love with you by the end of our first date.”

He winced.

That was probably too much. But, in retrospect, it felt true.

Still, maybe he should save the “L” word for later in the conversation.

“I’d never felt that way about anyone before, which was why I stopped looking at other women after I started seeing you,” he told the window. “But something happened that week. I found myself in a compromising position with a woman and I let something happen that I regretted immediately.”

He winced again. Not exactly the truth. But kind of. He regretted it the next morning.

“After it happened, I regretted it,” he amended.

Better.

“Also, I need you to know that when I suggested the trip, I didn’t have the best intentions,” he went on, feeling his stomach clench with regret. If he was feeling this shitty having this conversation with a window, he imagined he might possibly vomit when he was having it with her.

He shook his head and continued.

“I was so attracted to you immediately that I was hoping to take things further right away, and I know that wasn’t the way you wanted to do things, so I’m sorry. I wasn’t a good person before, and in retrospect I realize that it ultimately put you in a dangerous situation. I’ll probably have guilt over that for the rest of my life.”