Page 11 of Starting Over (D.O.A. DRAGO #1)

Jude closed the door to his room and turned to his mate.

Casper started towards him, but he held up his hand stopping him in his tracks. “Please, don’t. As much as I want you… no, need you… we need to talk first. It’s what always happens, Rance. I want to talk and we end up with your dick in my ass.”

Casper sighed and walked to the door leading out onto the balcony. “You’re right and I’m sorry. How about we sit outside and talk there. It’s not close to the bed, and less… enticing.”

Jude followed his mate outside, saying, “Smoky, you need to be a part of this as well.”

Smoky peeled his body from Jude’s arm, making himself the size of Jude’s pinky finger and flew to the small table, sitting down in the middle. He looked stronger, but still not as he had when Jude had last seen him in Drago.

It was odd. The energy uncomfortable as they all sat and looked out towards the river… no one saying a word.

It sucked.

Unable to allow this feeling to continue, Jude said, “I hate this.”

Casper looked at him confused, so Jude added to his comment, “I hate the uneasiness I feel right now. I’ve never felt uneasy with either of you, and damn sure not since we bonded.”

“How do we fix this?” Casper asked.

“I’m sorry, Jude. I don’t know what to say to make things better. I’m…” Smoky shook his little head, saying, “I’m feeling something I have not felt in centuries.”

Jude looked to his maharishi in confusion. “What? Uncomfortable?”

Shaking his head, Smoky answered, “No. Scared.”

Jude’s eyes widened, “Scared? Of what?”

“That I’m going to say something to upset you and make you run from us again,” Smoky admitted.

Sighing, Jude looked at his maharishi and then Casper, and saw in his mate’s eyes that he felt the same. “I didn’t run away from you… well, not in the sense that you think I did. When I have some deep shit to think through, I have to be completely alone.”

“But mates are supposed to be there for each other, not go off alone,” Smoky stated.

Nodding, Jude replied, “And normally you’re right, but not in this case. You two were the problem… well, were creating the problem, and I… I needed to think. The problem is, whenever I’m around you, Rance, I can’t think.”

“I know we were making it difficult, but were we not worth giving an extra push… I’m not blaming you, Jude, but I honestly never thought you’d take off… neither of us did,” Jude said.

“Try to talk? Try to talk?” Jude said, his voice getting louder with each little sentence.

“How exactly was I supposed to go about doing that? Every time I went to Casper, who decided that every one of his sixteen motorcycles needed tune ups, he’d either pretend I wasn’t there, or we’d end up fucking over one of them.

” Pointing to Smoky, he snapped, “And you… you couldn’t get enough of guard duty…

even going so far as to take on other maharishi’s scheduled times so they…

yes, so they could spend time with their mates since they were going out on assignments, or because they’d just returned from an assignment.

Now, I get it and that’s great and all, but there are thirteen fucking maharishi in Drago…

thirteen, Smoky. Yet, you did everything you could to not be anywhere I was unless it was sexy time or sleeping time…

and even then, you were absent more than you were there.

It didn’t take me being a rocket scientist to realize that you guys don’t want kids. ”

Casper turned away and Jude could see his shame just as he could see that Smoky was feeling the same way.

Jude felt his heart tug, but they had to understand how painful their actions were.

“I have dreamed of having kids since I was a young boy. Bren and Rylee will tell you it’s all I ever talked about.

Even when I figured out I loved dick and not pussy, I still wanted kids and had even come up with a plan.

I was going to try for a surrogate, and if that didn’t work, I’d just adopt…

but I was having kids. Then I find out that I don’t have to go either route because my maharishi can provide us with a family…

an honest to God family that creates children that are part of us all. ”

Jude stopped talking, not knowing if he could continue with the lump that was forming in his throat and tears filling his eyes, but he knew he had to try.

“An… and then I learn…” Jude swallowed hard, rasping, “I learn that you guys don’t want them…

at all. It fucking confused me, and if I’m honest, it hurt like hell.

Not just because this was something I always dreamed of, but because it was like you were saying you didn’t want them with me. ”

“What? No!” Casper gasped.

Knowing he had to get this all out in the open or he might break down before he could, Jude held up his hand, his voice so hoarse he wasn’t sure if either his maharishi or mate could understand him, but he tried anyway, “It’s how I felt.

Jamal and Azul were so happy to be carrying their soul bonds’ children, and their soul bonds were thrilled to be parents, but my mates were so repulsed they hid from me. ”

Wiping tears from his eyes, Jude continued, “I had to get away. I had to figure out how I could continue being your mate… your soul bond, knowing that I would never be a father, a dream I’d had since I was a child.

I had to find a way I could move forward with the both of you without one day resenting you both.

” Dropping his head in his hands, Jude stammered, “I… I haven’t figured it out, and I’m scared.

I miss you both and I miss Drago so fucking much, but honestly, the idea of returning home and finding out another bonded group is expecting a child…

I… I don’t know if I can take that. I… I’ll not just resent you two, but I know I’ll resent them…

I… I don’t want to be that kind of person. I don’t want to…”

Unable to hold back his tears anymore, Jude hid his face from them both and just cried.

Strong arms and the scent of his mate filled his senses, but not even that was enough to stop his emotional breakdown. He was so fucking tired and his heart was fucking broken. For the first time, in his life, Jude had no answers. He didn’t know how to fix this.

“Jude, baby please… gods, please don’t cry,” Casper whispered in his ear.

The feeling of Smoky encasing him with strength and love filled him… but not even that was enough to stop the tears.

The pain had built so much it filled every pore… every aspect of what made Jude… Jude.

“Please, Jude. Please, calm yourself. We will figure this out. I swear it on my life,” Smoky whispered through Jude’s mind.

Jude whispered back, “I won’t force you to do something you don’t want to do. I just… I don’t know how to come to terms with any of this… I don’t know what to do.”

The feeling of being lifted and then held even tighter as he was placed on Casper’s lap had Jude tucking his head under his mate’s chin and allowing all his pain and heartache to be set free.

By the time the tears dried up, Jude felt exhausted, empty…

and even in his mate’s arms he felt lost and alone.

“You are not alone!” Casper snapped as he pulled Jude back, and forced Jude to look in his hard eyes.

“You are never alone. Yes, Smoky and I allowed our fear to push you away, but damn it, we didn’t know…

we had no idea we’d pushed you so hard. However, never once…

not one fucking day, even when you were gone, were you alone.

We have felt you in my heart and soul every motherfucking minute.

It was a heart and soul filled with pain…

pain we’d caused, by not communicating, and I swear to my own soul that I will do everything in my power to fix this and ensure it never happens again.

I love you, Jude. I’ve loved you from the moment I first set eyes on you.

I love how passionate you are when it comes to healing.

I love the way you throw yourself into helping anyone and everyone even when they have no clue you’re doing it.

I love how you take no shit from anyone…

no matter who it is. I love the snarky way you put people in their place…

I just fucking love everything about you. ”

“As do I,” Smoky said in their mind link with as much conviction as Casper just had.

Jude couldn’t help but believe them, but it confused him even more, “Then why? Why don’t you want a family with me?”

Sighing, Casper answered, “We do. It’s just… there’s something we never spoke of. I don’t know why.” Shaking his head, Casper said… sounding almost sad, “I guess I’d just pushed it away for so fucking long I didn’t think it would make a difference to us. I was wrong.”

Jude pushed so he could stand. Turning to Casper, asking, “Pushed what away?”

Casper looked down at his hands, and Jude didn’t miss that they were shaking, when he said, “I was married when I went into the war.”

“To a woman?” Jude asked in shock.

Casper looked to Jude and rolled his eyes, “Yes, to a woman. In those days you didn’t go around marrying men, and I did tell you, in one of our ‘get to know each others kinks’ nights that we had after we’d bonded.”

“Okay, I guess I just figured you were saying you’d had sex with both, but not that you married a woman,” Jude replied.

“Again, I guess I skimmed over it because it was too painful to think about,” Casper whispered.

Jude felt a bit of jealousy at first and did his best to shake it off. For fuck’s sake, Casper had been married in the fifteen hundreds. However, knowing he’d loved another, so much as to marry her and not tell him… what the actual fuck!

“It wasn’t a love kind of marriage. Back in those days it wasn’t uncommon for marriages to be arranged. In all honesty, I wasn’t the best husband but then she got pregnant.”