Page 51 of Stains of Desire

It's not my secret to tell.

Julieta wasn't going to come swimming because of the initials Jonas Torres branded on her back. I suggested she wear a shirt and promised her I would wear one, too.

I try to change the subject. "Are we ready? It looks like everyone is leaving now."

Axel hesitates, still not buying my lie. He finally crouches down, and I get on his back, pressing against him as close as I can.

My cheek is next to his, and I inhale his woodsy scent. We're the last ones to leave the river. I swat at a few flies swarming our heads.

"You all right?" Axel asks.

"Yeah."

"Change as soon as you're back in the tent," he tells me again.

"I will."

He walks faster, and we finally get out of the dense foliage. He releases me in front of the opening to the tent. The guys are near the firepit, and none of the women are outside.

"I'll be back in a few minutes. Stay in the tent."

I nod and go in. The other women are quietly changing. I put on the new T-shirt and shorts Axel bought me, along with the socks. I slide my feet into the shoes, relieved to finally have a pair.

How sad am I that a pair of trainers feel so lovely?

An image of Millie's favorite pair of pink shoes fills my mind, and I'm suddenly filled with grief again.

I hold my stomach and sit down on the air mattress, feeling nauseous.

"Are you okay?" Emilia joins me and puts her hand on mine.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath.

You just masturbated in the river with a man you hardly know while your daughter is missing.

"Penelope?"

I slowly turn.

Emilia scrunches her face and tilts her head. "Your face is white as a ghost."

"I don't know what I'm doing," I whisper.

"About what?"

"My daughter... Axel..." I put my hands to my face.

She moves closer and puts her arm around me. "What about Axel?"

"He...we...oh God," I whisper.

Her eyes fill with compassion. "You like him?"

I nod. "But I shouldn't. Millie is..." I close my eyes and hot tears drip down my cheeks.

"One thing doesn't have anything to do with the other."

"What if being here puts Millie in more danger? I should go back to Santiago."