Page 11

Chapter Eleven

At school, Carlton acts like everything is back to normal. He’s speaking to me again. More than speaking, actually. It’s like whatever happened at the park with Zayne has somehow reset everything between us back to normal. Which was exactly what I wanted all along—to go back to how we were at the start of the school year, with everything between us from the summer left untouched. Unchanged. It’s been a month since the audition, and now it feels that way, like nothing has changed. Except one thing.

Me.

I can’t unsee what I saw at the park. I can’t unlearn what I know now.

Carlton is nothing but a really good liar. I don’t know how to confront him, and as much as I hate to admit it, I’m afraid of what he'll say. I’m afraid he’ll admit it’s all true, or even worse, that he'll just lie to me again.

“What do you think?” Carlton asks. His arm is around me as we walk through the corridor after fourth period, and he squeezes my shoulder to bring my attention back to him.

“About what?”

“The movies.” He grins like I’m being cute. “We could go tonight. I’m not busy or anything.”

It takes me a moment to answer. “Um, yeah. I wish I could, but I have to study for tomorrow’s chemistry test.” It’s a decent excuse. Chemistry is my worst subject.

“Oh.” His smile fades. “Alright. Rain check?”

“Sure.”

We walk to our lunch table, Carlton’s heavy arm still slung over my shoulders. Rue and the twins are already there when we sit down, and Meredith is engrossed in telling Rue about a new boutique she found online.

“Hey, Dot,” says Mabel. I smile back at her in response.

The clamoring noise in the cafeteria is a comfortable background for my incessant thoughts. Why did I turn down Carlton’s offer to take me on a…dare I say, date? Our first real date, in fact. For some reason, us sitting on my roof, or swimming in his backyard, or riding our bikes around Boston all summer didn’t feel like dates, but this does.

What is wrong with me?

Everyone tells lies. If I like Carlton as much as I think I do, I should be able to get over this. But for some reason, it feels like my entire image of him has been altered, and no amount of denial will fix it. I feel it—the knowledge that I might not be able to look at Carlton the same way again.

I watch the shrinking lunch line from my seat as Carlton and Mabel discuss ways to spruce up college applications, when my gaze finds its way across the cafeteria to where Zayne is sitting with Lenny and his other friends who look to be a mix of our age and closer to Lenny’s. As if by instinct, he glances up. When our eyes meet, a silent communication passes between us. One that, instead of, I hate you , or Stop looking at me, simply says, Hi.

I see you.

And then he breaks away, back to his friends.

Returning me back to mine.

My phone vibrates. It’s a text from Mabel, which I find odd, considering she’s sitting right across from me.

Mabel

Are you okay?

Me

Yes, why?

Mabel

You seem…out of it. IDK.

Me

I’m fine.

Mabel

K, just checking 3

I try to smile more after I put my phone away. I chip in, offering the name of a few volunteer organizations I know are accepting new recruits that I know will look good on applications. And most of all, I try to ignore the ache in my chest from learning who the true Carlton is.

I kinda wish I hadn’t put my phone away just yet. My fingers are itching to pick it back up. To text Zayne.

I need to talk to him.

I need to know if the way I’m feeling toward Carlton—of his nearness feeling practically unbearable—is warranted or if I’m overreacting. I need to know how this rivalry between them started and who’s at fault. If there’s anyone who will be honest about what kind of person Carlton is, it’s Zayne.

I spend the rest of the day thinking about how to casually text him, how to bring up Carlton in a nonchalant manner. In a way that won’t seem weird or random or make my newfound disdain for him too obvious.

But there never seems to be a good time.

Before I know it, the final bell rings, signaling the end of the school day, and I still don’t do it.

At home, eating dinner, I consider excusing myself early so I can use my phone. Sending the simple message. But I don’t.

While I’m reading my lines in front of my mirror before bed, I could easily take a break, grab my phone, and send the stupid message. But of course I don’t.

It takes staring up at the ceiling later in the night, trying to sleep for a good two hours for me to grab my phone off the charger and text Zayne.

Me

Are you up?

Zayne

I am now.

Why?

Did you have a question about the play?

Me

No.

How long have you and Carlton hated each other?

Zayne

LOL

What’s this about, Dot?

Me

I just don’t understand why he hates you so much

Why you hate him

Zayne

Well

I guess it started when we were in middle school

Carlton stole my homework and put his name on it

Turned it in and everything.

The teacher knew it was mine because my letters were facing the wrong direction. You know, with me being dyslexic and all

Anyway, Carlton got detention and somehow it was my fault for ruining his clean record

Me

LOL

Are you kidding me?

Zayne

Nope

Me

So that’s it?

Zayne

Oh heck no

Obviously, I had to get back at him.

I snort aloud at the idea of Zayne plotting revenge.

Me

Oh, no.

What did you do?

Zayne

One time in class, Carlton sat in gum

I couldn’t help but laugh

And as a result, the whole class joined in

Worse yet, it was the kind of gum you could tell had been chewed all day.

Like, for way too long.

There was no way it was coming off those expensive jeans.

Me

OMG

Zayne

Some say I put the gum there in the first place.

Me

Did you?

Zayne

You’ll never know.

Me

Wow.

Then what?

Zayne

Oh, you know. The classics.

Carlton covers my family’s restaurant in toilet paper

I egg Carlton's car. It dries and damages the paint.

Typical stuff

Me

You two are terrible

Zayne

And then I ran over his childhood cat while learning how to drive

Me

YOU WHAT?!?!?

Zayne

It was an accident

Like I would kill a cat on purpose

Me

ZAYNE

Zayne

And what were the odds that the cat ended up being his

Me

I CAN NEVER LOOK AT YOU THE SAME WAY AGAIN

Zayne

Oh come on. It was an accident.

Me

I think he may be warranted in hating you after all.

Zayne

I said sorry

Me

There is no apology good enough for such a thing.

Zayne?

Okay fine. It was an accident.

You there?

Great, Dot. You offended him. I bite my lip and sit up in bed. Reaching for my nightstand, I tap my gold, stiletto-shaped nightlight, adjusting it with my touch until my room is basked in a dim, warm glow.

I reread our messages to make sure I wasn’t too mean when he finally responds a few minutes later.

Zayne

Sorry, Lenny just came in here asking me to silence my phone. He said the sound was carrying over to his room and influencing his dreams

I breathe a sigh of relief. He’s not mad.

Me

Silence your phone! Don’t mess with the poor kid’s dreams

Zayne

I wouldn’t dare

Me

You know, I have a brother too

Zayne

I know. I met him when you came to eat at the restaurant, remember?

Me

Oh yeah. Have I told you he used to call me Bar Dot when we were younger, instead of silencing the t at the end? It’s how I got my nickname

Zayne

Really? That’s hilarious. How old is he?

Me

13

Zayne

Only a year younger than Lenny

Me

Yep. He tries to act like he’s older than me sometimes

It’s so annoying

He never used to until my mom got sent away.

I inhale sharply as soon as I press send. Too late to take it back now. I don’t know why I sent it. It’s not like Zayne is someone I should be confiding in. But I can’t help it—this sudden desire I have to tell him more about me. There’s no way I’d ever talk about something like this with him in person. It would feel too vulnerable. But here, in my dimly lit bedroom during the silence of night, there’s a safeness I can’t explain.

Zayne

Your mom got sent away?

Me

Yeah. She was supposed to go to rehab, but she couldn’t stand the idea of not being able to communicate with us. To come and go as she pleased.

It’s a long story

Zayne

If you want to tell me, I have time.

And I did just tell you all about my criminal past, to be fair

The laugh that escapes me is louder than I intend it to be. Every little detail I share with him makes me feel lighter inside. Like there’s a stack of textbooks on my back, pinning me to the ground and he’s lifting them off me, one at a time.

Me

Okay…fine.

My mom used to be a firefighter

She injured her back on the job a year and a half ago and was granted long-term disability

But the pills she had to take for pain management became a problem. She got addicted to them, and she’s had a really hard time ever since. She’s just not herself anymore.

She doesn’t even want to take them anymore

Zayne

So if she’s not in rehab, where is she?

Me

Her sister is a drug rehabilitation counselor. She’s letting my mom stay with her in upstate New York.

This way, she can call us and visit more. I miss her a lot.

I used to be homeschooled before I moved here, you know.

Zayne

Really? What was that like?

Me

It was nice being with my dad, and I got ahead academically, but it got lonely. I was the outsider among everyone else my age, which sucked

Zayne

Is that why you moved?

Me

No. My dad had to go back to work when it was clear my mom couldn’t return to her career any time soon, and Boston had the best pay. He also works part-time as a food delivery driver to pay for Fallbrook, so I’ll still have an attractive college application.

Zayne

Wow.

That’s really nice of him.

I swallow the knot in my throat. Thinking about everything Dad does to keep this family thriving makes me emotional sometimes. But worse is the feeling of possibly letting him down. I wipe my eyes and scoot lower into my bed to pull the covers higher.

Me

Can I tell you a secret?

Zayne

I’m all ears.

Me

I’ve never told anyone this, so I’ll know it was you if it gets out.

Zayne

You have my word, Dot

Me

Sometimes I feel like a fraud.

If it weren’t for my dad, I probably wouldn’t even want to go to college.

I’m in way too deep now though

I’m worried if I don’t get into an Ivy school, all his hard work will be for nothing

Zayne

Do you really think your dad would feel that way?

Me

Probably.

Zayne

What about your mom?

Me

I have no idea if she’s even in her right mind.

I haven’t seen her since the summer before school started, when I met Carlton.

Zayne

That’s when you met him?

Me

Yeah. He was on his way to Rue’s house. She lives on my street, and as he was passing by, he saw me crying on the roof.

Zayne

You were on the roof?

Me

Yeah. LOL

Silly, I know

But I didn’t want my dad or my brother to see me cry.

So I figured the roof was safe

Zayne

What were you crying about?

Me

My mom. Her addiction. The unfairness of it all. And then Carlton saw me and came and sat up there to comfort me.

It was really sweet. After that we spent the summer hanging out together

Zayne

And that’s when you started dating?

Me

Well…we’ve never been on an official date. And he never technically asked me to be his girlfriend

Zayne

That’s nuts, Dot.

Me

It’s not nuts. We’re taking things slow.

Zayne

Like, turtle slow. You say you spent the entire summer together, and it’s fall now. You still haven’t even been on a date?

Me

Whatever

Zayne

Don’t get defensive.

Me

Don’t be accusatory of things you don’t understand

Zayne

I do understand

I know Carlton really well

Me

But you don’t know me

Zayne

I’m starting to.

Me

What about you? Are you dating someone?

Zayne

Not anymore.

Just didn’t really have a connection with anyone. You know?

Me

I do.

Zayne

Dot?

It’s 3 a.m.

Me

I know. I’m sorry.

Zayne

It’s fine. I’m just wondering if you have any other questions?

Me

None that you can answer for me, unfortunately. I’ll see you tomorrow. Goodnight, Zayne

Zayne

Goodnight, Dot