CHAPTER SEVEN
The morning had dawned gray and cloudy. It matched the mood of the past few days. Didn’t matter. We were all alive, and my baby was safe. My gut told me we were on a high-stakes collision course, but I’d navigate it with open eyes, along with my friends and family by my side. It was still unclear if we needed Shitty Ritchie, but as long as he behaved… and didn’t attempt to ingest anyone, it was irrelevant.
I’d only gotten about two hours of sleep. It was shocking I didn’t have nightmares after my several hours of time spent with Shitty Ritchie and Tim. I had no clue how Candy Vargo and Heather’s watch went. Candy had shown up and told us Heather was on her way. I’d wanted to warn her about the sperm chat, but she dove right into the promised bedtime story. It was about a hooker named Velma with a heart of gold who started an orphanage. The hooker had covertly recorded her liaisons with her wealthy and married clients then blackmailed them with the footage so the orphans could live in style—lots of violence, lots of sex and a smattering of wholesome playground antics. Shitty Ritchie was mesmerized .
I was not. I was exhausted and got out of there as fast as I could.
Thankfully, being Immortal, I didn’t need all that much sleep—two hours would have to suffice. However, sleeping was one of my favorite hobbies. Curled up in bed with Gideon and Alana Catherine was as close to perfection as I could get. Even though the house wasn’t attractive, Candy Vargo hadn’t skimped on the bed. It was so comfortable I had a difficult time getting out of it. After nursing my daughter, I finally forced myself into the shower and took Alana Catherine with me. Breast milk spit-up wasn’t the best perfume for either of us.
“Gideon?” I called out, searching the small house. Using a little magic, I’d conjured up some clean clothes for myself and Alana Catherine. Candy, in a thoughtful move, had stocked the house with food, diapers and toiletries. She’d forgotten about clothes. That was fine by me. Her taste was iffy on a good day and frightening on every other day.
“Gideon?” I called out again.
No answer.
“Dadadadadadadadada!” Alana Catherine squealed, pointing to the front door.
I kissed the top of her head and hoisted her up on my hip. She’d gotten bigger. Even though she was technically only a few months old, she was the size of an eight-month-old. The thought made me happy and sad. Hell, she could be five in a month at the rate she was growing.
Gently, placing my fingers under her chin, I raised her gaze to mine. My heart melted a little at her innocence and beauty. If she grew up fast, so be it. I would enjoy every second of each phase. Staring at her with adoration, I decided to try something. There was nothing to lose and possibly everything to gain.
“Hey baby,” I said, booping her nose with mine. “Can you tell mommy what you were going to say on the Higher Power’s plane?”
She giggled like I’d just told the funniest joke in existence. I couldn’t help but grin. Her joy was contagious.
“Meeeee! Itty Ritty! Yay!”
I tried again. It would be nuts if she was trying to tell me that Shitty Ritchie knew the answer, but nuts was our normal. “You were about to tell me and Gram why the Higher Power wanted you. Do you remember, sweetie?”
“Meeeee! Itty Ritty! Yay!” she repeated, grabbing my nose with her chubby hand.
“Does Itty Ritty know the answer?” I asked, feeling like I was getting nowhere fast, but trying anyway.
My baby was done with our chat. My nose was entirely too interesting. It was a long shot, but I was going to grill Itty Ritty. With barely anything to go on, it was someplace to start.
Anything was possible. I just had to believe.
A commotion outside my bedroom window woke me. I jumped from my bed and whipped back the curtain. The full brightness of the morning sun hit me square in the face, but as my vision recovered, I saw a crowd of my closest friends and family had gathered on the lawn, and they looked shaken to the core. The chaos was unexpected and unsettling.
With a quick flick of my hand, I placed a protection ward around my baby, threw on my clothes, then grabbed Alana Catherine from her crib and headed downstairs to make sense of the madness. When I walked out into the impromptu neighborhood block party, everyone was running around while talking and shouting over each other.
Grabbing Candy Vargo as she sprinted by, armed to the teeth, I yanked her to a stop. “Talk. Now,” I insisted.
“Jennifer, Missy, Amelia and June are back with my foster kids. Tory and everyone else too,” she hissed as she ran her hands through her hair. She was holding a razor-sharp dagger and almost cut her ear off.
“The Higher Power?” I asked, glancing around wildly in alarm.
“No,” she said, trying to pull away.
I wasn’t done. “Did Shitty Ritchie do something?”
“No, lemme go, corn nut,” she snapped. “I’m tryin’ to work this shart out.”
I let go, and she sprinted over to her foster kids. Scanning the area, I saw Tim moving with purpose towards a shaken and pale Jennifer. Lura Belle, Dimple and Jolly Sue hovered over Jennifer as well. Shitty Ritchie was perched on Tim’s shoulder, freaking the hell out. That didn’t bode well, but Candy had said Shitty Ritchie wasn’t the problem. I chose to believe Candy. However, if a tornado started to blow, Shitty Ritchie was a goner.
Heather was with Missy, holding her tight. Charlie’s arms were wrapped around a trembling June. My stomach felt like a lead ball had dropped into it and exploded. What the hell was going on?
With wild eyes, I assessed what was happening in front of me and took a head count of my friends and family. Amelia was with Rafe. Tory was with Gabe. Zander and Catriona had returned, too. Both Zander and Catriona looked worse for wear. They were huddled with Prue and Abby. Catriona was a bloody mess, and Zander looked like he’d come close to death. Prue and Abby were tending to them with their Angelic healing gifts. An intense golden glow surrounded the group.
Gram, Mr. Jackson and Jimmy George Carrots were darting around like hummingbirds on crack. As they zipped by in a frenzy, I ducked. Having a ghost fly clean through you was like getting stabbed with icy knives. There was no time for that. Jimmy George Carrots looked terrible. The ghost was withering fast. One of his legs was gone, along with one of his arms. He was also far more transparent than he was yesterday. That was worrisome. Snapping my fingers, I conjured up superglue. If I could find his body parts, I could glue them back on. It had to suck falling apart. Right now, there weren’t enough hours in the day to do all the jobs I had to do.
Seeing Gideon striding over to me was the first tiny bit of relief I felt. Everyone was accounted for, but I still had no clue what was going on.
“Talk to me, please,” I insisted tightly. Not knowing was terrifying. My mind was all over the place. Like Jimmy George Carrots, I was falling apart… and it did suck.
Gideon pulled Alana Catherine and me into a hug and rested his chin on my head. I could feel his heart pounding in his chest. “Unknown Immortals came for the old human-ish woman at Candy Vargo’s home.”
I pulled back and stared at him. “What? That makes no sense at all. What the hell does human-ish even mean?”
He scrubbed his hand over his jaw. “Not a clue. They threatened to kill everyone there unless the human-ish went with them willingly.”
“Sense. You need to make sense,” I insisted.
“Can’t,” he replied. “I don’t understand it myself.”
“How is everyone okay then?” I asked. Comprehending why Immortals wanted a human-ish woman—whatever that meant—clearly wasn’t going to be solved yet. However, there were other questions that had to have answers.
“Zander and Catriona are the reason everyone is alive,” he said, glancing back at them. “Tory protected the humans and Zander and Catriona went after the intruders.”
“How many?”
“Three,” he confirmed.
“Did they get away?”
Gideon’s eyes blazed red. He smiled. It was scary. Call me crazy, but I found it hot. “No, they did not.”
“Can we question them?” I couldn’t help but feel this was all connected. Was it the work of the Higher Power? Did It think we’d make a trade for Alana Catherine? Shit, shit, shit. Wait. Was it the people who were after Shitty Ritchie? Again, that didn’t make a lick of sense. Shitty Ritchie wasn’t connected to any of the humans here in any way. No wonder everyone was freaked out.
“No,” Gideon said emotionlessly. “Bodies turned to ash cannot be questioned. The infiltrators fucked around and Zander and Catriona made sure they found out. The three are gone. Permanently.”
My mind jerked to the words of Jimmy George Carrots. Onnnnnneah offffffffff threeeeeeee. He’d spoken of three multiple times. Had he meant the three Immortals who’d tried to take a human-ish woman? How was that possible? It wasn’t. But… was the number three important? Was Jimmy George Carrots here to serve me like he’d said? Maybe, he wasn’t the confused one. It was possible I was…
His statement had struck me as strange at the time. Now? Not as much. I was beginning to think he might be part of the impossible puzzle .
The crazy in my yard was accomplishing nothing. The time to focus was now. Reaching up towards the sky, I slashed my arms down to my sides. Normally, that caused a massive explosion or an Olympic pool-sized crater in my yard. Today, it was the opposite of destructive. I sent out a wave of tranquility. Word by word, the yelling and shouting stopped. Slowly and surely, all of the people I loved calmly gathered around me in a large circle. Charlie nodded in gratitude. Candy Vargo offered me a box of toothpicks. I took them. Heather and Tim smiled. My siblings, along with the quickly healing Zander and Catriona, bowed to me. I hated that formal crap, but they were all about pomp and circumstance. Tory held Gabe’s hand and nodded her head in respect. Gram and the rest of the ghosts settled down. Poor Jimmy George Carrots had lost another leg, but still seemed happy to be with us. My biggest worry at the moment was for Candy’s kids and our human adult friends. They shouldn’t be involved in any of this. It was not their monkey and definitely not their circus.
I calculated the risks and the odds of who to send away with the kids, Jennifer, June, Amelia and Missy. They needed to be in a safe place until all of this blew over. I’d been told the Immortals had been after a human-ish woman. That made no sense. It stood to reason that any one of the people there had been in danger of being abducted. We had to eliminate the possibility of danger for those who couldn’t defend themselves.
This wasn’t a dictatorship. I worked well with input from those who had far more experience than I did. “We need to get the kids and anyone not Immortal out of here.”
“Agreed,” Gideon said. “I have safe houses all over the world. I’d suggest relocating the children, June, Amelia, Missy and Jennifer immediately.”
“It’s prudent,” Charlie stated. He hadn’t let go of his wife. June didn’t mind a bit. Their love was sure and solid. “Gabe, can you take charge?”
Gabe nodded to Charlie. My brother was the Archangel Gabriel. He was a badass, smart and one of the kindest people I knew. “Of course. I’d like to take Tory, Rafe, Abby and Prue with me to protect the humans.”
“As you wish,” Charlie said.
Zander stepped forward. “Catriona and I will go as well, if we can be spared. We need healing time and can transport back if needed.”
The request was smart. If we had Charlie, Heather, Tim, Candy Vargo, Gideon and me, we were covered for a battle royale. Hell, Shitty Ritchie might even come in handy with a tornado or two.
“Tory, Zander and Catriona, what can you tell us about the attack?” I asked.
Tory shook her head. Her normally pale skin was even paler. The woman was still stunning. “There were three. I didn’t recognize any of them. They demanded the human-ish woman but weren’t clear on which one.”
“I’d have to surmise that they were neither Angel nor Demon,” Zander added. “Their eyes were soulless and the speech was formal—monotone and flat.”
Catriona stepped forward. “Robotic,” she clarified. “Unlike anything or anyone I’ve come across.”
“SHIT,” Shitty Ritchie screeched, hopping off of Tim’s shoulder and running to the center of the circle. “Eyes. Color?”
“White,” Tory said. “The entire eye including the iris was milky white.”
“Shit motherfucker shitass,” Shitty Ritchie shrieked in a pitch so high I was sure all the glass in Georgia just shattered. “Bald?”
Tory’s expression showed surprise. “Yes.”
“Thin lips, no teeth?” he questioned.
Zander nodded slowly. He began to glow menacingly and didn’t look happy. He might not be healed, but he was still a dangerous man. Shitty Ritchie hadn’t come here with a great reputation and he wasn’t helping himself currently. “Yes. Do you know them?”
“Son of a bitch, cock sucker, balls,” the tiny nard screamed. “One of you brought them here.” He pointed wildly at all those who had been at Candy Vargo’s home. “Bad, bad, bad. Now I have to go back to my cave.” He stomped his foot in fury. “This is dreadful. I was making friends and getting the nerve up to offer my sperm to the Immortal lesbians.”
“I’m sorry, what?” Heather asked, horrified. “Repeat that.”
Missy’s mouth hung open in shock. If the situation we were in wasn’t so awful, I would have laughed.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Shitty Ritchie grunted, crossing his little arms over his chest and pouting.
Ignoring the ringing in my ears, I handed Alana Catherine to Gideon and cautiously approached the little guy who obviously knew more about the mysterious Immortal kidnappers than we did. “Talk.”
Shitty Ritchie flipped me off. “I’ve said enough. I can say no more.”
If I pressed, he might blow. First, I’d get our human friends to safety. Then, I’d deal with the asshole.
“I think that…” I said, then froze. June. June might not be fully human anymore. Clarissa had removed her heart to screw with me. I’d put it back into her. Granted, she came back to life about thirty years younger than she’d been wh en she died, but she’d survived. Charlie and June had grown adopted kids and grandkids. Explaining that she’d regressed a few decades was tricky. Thankfully, Tim could perform a little voodoo that would temporarily age June. She could see her kids and grandkids for short periods of time. Immortals could choose their age. When June looked young, Charlie matched her and when old, he did the same.
Walking over to June and Charlie, I reached out and took June’s hand in mine. I tried to keep my expression neutral, but my face was pretty readable. My dear friend was the nicest person I’d ever known and I had happy dreams about her peanut butter cookies. Right now, I wasn’t happy.
“What?” Charlie asked, warily.
“I think the unknown Immortals were looking for June,” I told him. “She’s the only one who could be considered human-ish.”
We didn’t know if June was Immortal. All Immortals had a footprint, so to speak. Each person who lived forever had their own unique color. So far, June didn’t have a footprint, but that didn’t mean it wouldn’t show up eventually. I knew that Charlie tested his wife for footprints regularly. It was obvious to all that he had hopes that the love of his life would live forever.
“Oh my,” June said, fanning her face with her hand. “I think you’re right! Am I illegal or something? Is a human-ish person against the law?”
“No laws on the fucking books about that,” Shitty Ritchie volunteered.
Candy Vargo couldn’t take it anymore. “Hey, Shitty Ritchie. I’m this close to removin’ your spleen. Cussin’ ain’t allowed round here no more. Gram had a problem and we’re all supportin’ her.” That line elicited choked laughter from the group. Gram just rolled her eyes. Candy ignored it and kept going. “You hear me, you little wrinkled testicle? You need to pick some shartin’ replacement words or I’m gonna shove your head up your stinky bahookey. Body parts are fine. Ass and bitch are fine since they mean donkey and female dog. But if I hear you say fuck one more time, I’m gonna lose my corn nuts.” Candy groaned as she realized she’d dropped an f-bomb. Without missing a beat, she electrocuted the living daylights out of herself.
Shitty Ritchie wasn’t sure what to make of Candy Vargo lighting herself on fire, but gave the flaming woman an enthusiastic thumbs up.
“June stays then,” Charlie announced firmly as his eyes turned icy blue and his power became evident. Even though we were outside, it was a little difficult to breathe with his magic permeating the air. Charlie was the Immortal Enforcer. His title wasn’t an understatement. “June will be far safer with me. Not to mention, if it is June they were after, then she becomes a liability to the safety of the kids, Amelia, Missy and Jennifer.”
“Hang on a hot sec,” Jennifer said, walking over to where we stood. “I know I ain’t Immortal and I don’t sparkle like Edward in Twilight—which is a dang shame, but I can see the ghosts now. Might mean I’m human-ish. Plus, those freak-a-deeks said they wanted the old human-ish woman. June looks like she’s in her twenties. I, on the other hand, look like very well preserved fifty-year-old who may or may not be sixty-five.”
Jennifer was correct. She didn’t glow like Edward in Twilight and I couldn’t recall if it was Lura Belle, Dimple or Jolly Sue who had entered her body through her feet to test out if it would be painful for Gram to enter my body to go to the Higher Power’s plane, but after the deed had been done Jennifer could see the ghosts. She was also the oldest out of Missy, Amelia and June. However, the Immortal intruders might have been able to recognize June’s true age. I was still mostly convinced it was June they were after, but Jennifer’s points gave me pause.
Shit, shit, shit.
“I’m just sayin’,” Jennifer told us as she reached into her purse and pulled out a bottle of wine. “If June’s stayin’, I’m stayin’.”
Pressing the bridge of my nose, I sighed. I didn’t know what the right call was. Either of the women could be a safety liability here or at the safe house. All of the other Immortals present didn’t seem to know the answer either. On top of that, it dawned on me that Missy wasn’t unscathed by magic. She was the Soul Keeper, after all.
I glanced her way, but Heather shook her head. “Missy is all human,” she said, her expression determined as she took her love’s hand. “Believe me.”
“Besides,” Charlie said. “Missy’s been the Soul Keeper her entire life. I don’t believe she’s the human-ish woman they were searching for.”
Heather gave her girlfriend a reassuring nod. “And if for some reason anymore of those white-eyed freaks come for her, I will do worse than turn them to ash.”
Before I could make up my mind, my daughter piped up.
“J J J J J,” Alana Catherine babbled with a giggle. “J stay!”
I glanced over at Gideon who was holding the chatterbox. He just raised a brow and shrugged. Both Jennifer and June had names that started with the letter J. Was this her way of saying it was one of them?
“Listen to her,” Shitty Ritchie said cryptically. The little dude knew more than he was letting on. I was sure of it. We’d address that shortly.
“Okay,” I said, kind of in disbelief that I was again about to follow the orders of a baby who was backed by a miniature cannibal, but when in Crazy Town it was standard to buy property and stay. “Both June and Jennifer will stay.”
I hoped I’d just made the correct call.
Only time would tell.