Page 10

CHAPTER TEN

It took less than an hour to find the appendages. Shitty Ritchie had been the hero, much to his delight. He’d found Jimmy George Carrots’ arm in the trailer and his legs in the half-bath off the kitchen. I had no idea why Jimmy George Carrots had been in the bathroom since the dead didn’t have bodily functions, but was too polite to ask.

My assumption that Shitty Ritchie might have the gift of a Death Counselor was further confirmed when he was able to touch and carry the arm and legs without them going through his hands. The legs were three times his size, but the dead didn’t weigh much. The tiny turd handled it like a pro.

“Alrighty then, doc Daisy,” Candy Vargo said, staring at the body parts on the coffee table. “Put that boy back together.”

“On it,” I replied.

Reattaching the arm was a piece of cake. His legs were a little trickier. The seer apparently didn’t believe in underpants, and avoiding his dangling ghostly junk while gluing his legs back on was awkwardly problematic. A deceased person, from my experience, tended to come back as a ghost in what they were wearing when they died. Jimmy George Carrots had not been sporting undies when he’d passed. Repeatedly reminding myself that body parts were natural and beautiful got me through it without laughing. Embarrassing the sweet ghost wasn’t going to happen. Even Gideon was amused that I was trying hard to be respectful to the specter’s privates.

“We’re done,” I told the ghost. My relief that I hadn’t touched his junk was palpable.

“Thaaaaaankah youuuuuuah, Daaaiissssssyah” Jimmy George Carrots said. He tried out his legs and arm. They were in perfect working order.

“You’re most welcome,” I replied with a smile. The man was lovely and so polite.

I was still amazed that all the tendons worked on the dead after I’d glued their parts back on. Delving too deep into that made me feel nuttier than I already was. Accepting the unbelievable had become part of my everyday life. I was just happy he was pleased. He took off and flew around the great room like he’d just ingested a twelve-pack of caffeinated soda and some speed.

“Jimmy George Carrots,” I said, gently grabbing him as he darted by. Pulling him out of the air without undoing my handywork was risky, but I had more superglue if necessary. I’d purposely grabbed his arm on the off chance it detached again. His legs were off limits. I’d had enough of his bare nether regions. “I’d like your permission to visit you in your mind so we can talk. Does that work for you?”

“Yeeeesssssssah, Daaaiissssssyah,” he replied warmly.

“Yay!” Alana Catherine chirped from Gideon’s arms. “Yesssssss!”

“Stamp of approval from our miracle,” Gideon said, kissing her chubby cheek .

It was interesting what our daughter chose to chime in on. It felt as if it was only when we were trying to decode the puzzle. If that was the case, she was even more gifted than we already believed. Grain of salt since I was her mother, but I thought she was the most brilliant baby in the Universe.

“How long do you think you’ll be out, friend,” Tim asked.

I shrugged. “I don’t know. Hopefully, no more than a day.”

It was crazy how time didn’t line up on the different planes, but magic wasn’t linear. Hell, nothing about the Immortal world followed a straight path. I was getting more used to it, but I’d probably need a few centuries under my belt to find it normal.

“Not to worry, Daisy,” Jennifer assured me. “All us sparkly people have it covered. And while you’re gone, I might register with that DNA thingie to find who my pappy was. I’m thinkin’ it might be Marlon Brando. That would just tickle me pink… and sparkly!”

I laughed at her guess then realized that the Edward from Twilight effect hadn’t worn of yet. Two hours had passed and we all still looked like glittery freaks. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, who happened to be drag queens, would be proud.

“Umm… Candy, would you like to explain why we all still look like Christmas ornaments?” I asked.

“Sure, nard hole. When I said two hours, I might have underestimated a testicle or three,” she informed the unhappily surprised crowd—well, everyone but Jennifer was alarmed with the news. She was thrilled.

“I have three testicles,” Shitty Ritchie announced.

He was ignored—studiously ignored.

“So,” Candy Vargo continued. “As I was sayin’ before I almost puked at the farked up admission from Shitty Ritchie about his nuts, the sparkle might last longer.”

“Define longer,” Gideon said, displeased.

She shrugged and chuckled. “Welp, seein’ as how I ain’t never done the spell before I don’t have an exact answer, corn nut. If I had to take a guess… I’d say a week… maybe five.”

I winced. We all lived as humans in our sleepy little Georgia town. I’d grown up here and knew practically everyone. It would be impossible to explain sparkling skin at the Piggly Wiggly.

“Dude,” Heather said, shaking her head in annoyance. “You’re a menace. I have to be in court to try a case next week.”

“My bad. Sorry, shart face,” Candy Vargo said. Her lips quirked up at the corners, making her apology a bald-faced lie.

Whatever. We could potentially cover Heather in body makeup for her court date and the rest of us could hide out until the glitter wore off. Of course, if the Higher Power showed Its ass and destroyed us it wouldn’t matter.

Speaking of… “Do you think we should call back Zander and Catriona while I’m in Jimmy George Carrots’ mind? If the zombies show up again, they’ve already defeated them once.” Turning to the three-balled little guy, I posed another question. “Do you know how big the Higher Power’s zombie army is?”

“Endless,” he replied. “There are millions of dead bodies available and It takes as needed.”

Not the answer I’d been hoping for.

“That is, pardon my poop words, but that shit is fucked,” Candy Vargo groused.

Gram didn’t admonish her. It was profanely accurate.

“I’ll alert Zander and Catriona to return,” Gideon said, all business. “Explaining the sparkle will be interesting, but the backup is prudent.”

I smiled and nodded. I was tempted to let him know that I thought he was sexy all glittered up, but thought that was TMI considering the company. “Questions for Jimmy George Carrots?” I inquired, canvasing the hive mind.

“Obviously, the relevance of the number three,” Charlie said. “And I’m curious at how old the seer is.”

“Got it,” I replied. “Anything else?”

“Ask him if there is a little Ritchie or little Ritchina in my future,” Shitty Ritchie suggested, waggling his brows at my sister.

Heather rolled her eyes hard. I was sure she could answer that query without the aid of Jimmy George Carrots.

“Okay, nope. Anything else that’s actually pertinent?”

Gideon walked over to me. My hands immediately went to both him and our child. The feeling was centering and necessary. “Ask Jimmy George Carrots about our girl—not about her fate. She will make her own fate. Just inquire about her gifts and how we can help her.”

I nodded and leaned into his warmth. I wasn’t sure when or even if we were going to catch a break, but we needed it. He gently pressed his lips to mine and kissed me. I felt the love. I felt the desire, and I felt the fear.

Gideon didn’t love it when I mind-dived. It took a lot out of me and there was no way to know how long I’d be gone. Gone was the wrong word. My body stayed here, but everything else about me left the building. However, he would never ask me to stop. It was my job and my gift. We lived in a dangerous world and mind diving was the tamest thing I did. Getting there was painful, but the rest was beautiful and humbling.

“Oh! Ask that free -ballin’ cutie if it was me or June that those weridos were after,” Jennifer added.

That was already on the list, but being reminded was fine.

“Yep,” Heather agreed. “And if you have time at the end since this isn’t exactly important, ask him when the damned sparkle’s going to wear off.”

I laughed. So did my sister.

“Will do,” I promised. I turned my attention to the ghost on the couch. Walking over, I sat down next to him. “This is how it works. I’ll hug you and then we’ll be able to chat.”

“Ohhhhhhhah fuuuuuunah!” he replied, holding his arms out.

“Here we go,” I whispered as I gathered the man in my arms.

The ride had begun. I hoped by the end of it we would know which ride to get on next.

The cold. The cold went all the way to my bones and tore through my body like sharp, frozen daggers made of ice. Trying to catch my breath, I gasped for air. I knew it would end soon, but the need to get air into my lungs was real and my body was acting of its own accord.

The only sound that left my lips came from so far away I could barely hear it.

My head pounded violently, and every single cell in my body screamed for oxygen. My mind went numb, and I couldn’t feel my limbs anymore. I vaguely wondered if they had fallen off. I wondered that each and every time I took a dive. So far, I’d stayed intact. However, there was a first time for everything…

We landed with an ungraceful thud. That was new and unwelcome. Slowly, I got to my feet and helped a whole and very adorable Jimmy George Carrots to his. The seer looked to be in his late seventies or early eighties. He wore the same flowing robe he’d been wearing only minutes ago on the earthly plane, but now it was pristine white instead of a dull, lifeless gray. It was tied at the waist with flowers. The purple and red blossoms were no longer rotting and dried out, but then again, neither was he. His head was still bald, and the crown of leaves he wore was a deep green and very much alive.

What I hadn’t been able to see when he was dead was his enchanting smile. Even though we’d landed in a tangled heap, Jimmy George Carrots was happy to see me. I stayed silent while my friend took in the surroundings.

There was no floor or walls to speak of. The area was entirely a murky gray. We stood facing each other as if we were suspended in the air. Jimmy George Carrots took a tentative step forward then gasped with surprise and delight that what looked invisible was indeed solid.

“Where are we, Daisy?” he asked, taking my hands in his. “Is this what the interior of my mind looks like?”

I smiled. No one had asked that question before. But I’d never traveled with a seer until now. “We’re in the Darkness,” I explained. “The only rule is that we can’t walk into the Light or the Dark. We stay here. I kind of think of it as a waiting room of sorts.”

He chuckled and cupped my cheek in his hand. “We should probably get to it, dear. Tell me how it works.”

I shrugged. This felt like new territory. “Normally, I close my eyes and I can see the past of the person I’m with. I see a TV screen with lots of static that goes in and out. I watch the stories of the person, and then I learn what needs to be done to help them move on. But I’m not searching for your past.”

He nodded. “You’re looking for your future.” He paused and stared intently. “For a long time, I’ve wondered why I stayed caught on the earthly plane. Now, I know.”

“I can help you move into the Light,” I told him. “When we go back, it would be my honor, Jimmy George Carrots.”

Jimmy George Carrots smiled. “That would be lovely, and… sadly, my real name is Ted.”

“Wait. What?” I asked with a laugh. “You told me your name was Jimmy George Carrots.”

The robed and underpants-free man giggled. He had a naughty twinkle in his eyes, and I couldn’t help but grin.

“Were you playing us, Ted?” I inquired with a raised brow and an amused quirk I couldn’t hide on my lips.

“Indeed, I was,” he shared, quite pleased with his silly deception. “Ted is such a dull name, and I figured in death I could be who I wanted to be. I think Jimmy George Carrots fits me much better.”

“I do too. Jimmy George Carrots it is.”

“Ask me questions, child,” he encouraged. “I have seen many visions regarding the future for you, your family and friends, but know this, just because I see it doesn’t mean it’s locked in stone. It could be a representation of what’s to come, but not the exact scenario.”

“Is that how it always works with a seer?” I asked, truly curious.

“No, every seer is different. Every gift is unique to the person who possesses it. I will apologize in advance if my answers to what you search for sound cryptic. It’s the way my gift works. If you don’t receive the answer you desire, ask me in another way.”

I nodded. Cryptic was something I was getting used to. The Immortals were cryptic—very cryptic. I didn’t love it, but I was learning to deal with it. I’d hoped for an accurate play-by-play of what was to come from Jimmy George Carrots, but I’d settle for whatever I could get.

“The number three,” I said. “Why do you keep bringing it up? ”

“Three are the checks and balances that would make all in this world right,” he replied.

That was definitely cryptic.

“Three what?”

“Three destined to represent the checks and balances,” he replied. “Three that will work as one.”

“People? Immortals? Angels? Demons?” I pressed. Was he saying that three of something would become a single entity? That was weird.

“Yes and no,” he said.

Shit shit shit. Complex questions were not the way to go. “Help me.”

Jimmy George Carrots scratched his bald head. “Recall the words exchanged about the number three—when you were discussing it with your people.”

I could do that. “Gideon talked about the three branches of the human government—legislative, judicial and executive.” I laughed. It was humorless. “I find it ironic that humans who’ve been around a much shorter time than Immortals got that right, but those who live forever seemed to have whiffed it. Big time.”

“How so?” Jimmy George Carrots inquired.

I narrowed my eyes slightly. He smiled. His question was leading me somewhere. Somewhere I needed to go. I was all in. “Immortals live in a system of dictatorship,” I explained. “Run by one entity that made the laws and the punishments for breaking the laws. Problem is that the entity is now breaking the laws It wrote, and nothing is in place to make It stop.”

“Interesting,” he said, plucking a flower from his belt and handing it to me.

I took it and tucked the purple blossom behind my ear. I had no clue what the flower was, but it smelled awesome. “Thank you,” I told him.

“You are most welcome,” he replied. “Tell me what it is that you believe is a dictator’s greatest fear.”

“I’m not a dictator, so I’m not speaking from experience, but if I had to guess, I’d say loss of control. Or possibly an uprising, or even assassination.”

“And?” he questioned.

Again, I knew the questions were as important as any of the answers. “Umm… protests. Getting voted out. Although that’s for a democracy… which the Immortals don’t practice.”

“Such a shame, but probably for the best,” he said. “In your world, there are people who were born for a reason—very specific reasons. They were born to become who they are supposed to be.”

“You mean like me being the Death Counselor?”

“And the Angel of Mercy,” he added.

I shook my head. “No, that one kind of happened by default. I was being tested by a psycho and he rooted for me to fail.”

“But you did not,” Jimmy George Carrots pointed out.

“Correct. I didn’t fail.”

The robed man crossed his arms over his chest. “I see that as destiny. You can alter fate by making different choices, but destiny is set in stone. Who you are and who you are meant to be is gifted to you long before you come into this world.”

That was a shitload to swallow. However, dwelling in it was a waste of precious time. “Okay, got it.”

“Do you?” he inquired.

“Well, no, but I think I get the gist of it.”

Jimmy George Carrots smiled. “You will understand when you need to. Shall we get back to the number three?”

Cryptic. So freaking cryptic. “Sure. Tim said that in numerology the number three is associated with communication, optimism and creativity. ”

“And what did Heather say?” he asked, trying sounding casual but failing.

Of course, that was probably on purpose. Alrighty then, Heather’s part of the conversation was important. “Heather spoke of the Holy Trinity. The trinity that consists of God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit.”

“Hmmm…” he said, drumming his lips with his fingers. “And how might that fit into your world?”

I was getting confused. My mind was jumbled.

“Stop thinking, Daisy,” Jimmy George Carrots encouraged. “When I ask a question, don’t think about it. Go with the first thing that comes to mind. Often the answer is there.”

“Ask me again,” I said. “Clearing out my overactive brain right now.”

He chuckled. “Talk to me about how the Immortals could use the concept of the Holy Trinity.”

“We replace the wretched piece of shit in charge with three beings who can work together while keeping each other honest with checks and balances. The three people who were destined to have the job. That’s how it’s similar to the Holy Trinity.”

“Precisely. Three.”

My gut clenched and I lurched forward in pain as part of the puzzle clicked together. Jimmy George Carrots’ words blasted through my frontal lobe. I saw it in front of me as if it were happening now—Baaaaaaabeeeeey! Soooooo preeettyah. Threeeeeeeeeee!” he’d said.

I had smiled and corrected the silly ghost. I’d thought he’d been talking about her age. I’d been wrong “Actually, she’s not even one yet,” I had told the ghost.

He had shaken his head vehemently. “Onnnnnneah offfffffffff threeeeeeee!”

His statement had hit me as strange at the time. Now it made me want to scream with the injustice of it.

Letting go of my anger and fear, I stared at the man who I’d travelled to the Darkness with. He’d been telling me all along. I hadn’t understood then and I didn’t want to understand now.

But there was no choice. Destiny was set. We all were who we were meant to be.

“I believe that I know who two of the three are,” I whispered. “That’s what you’ve been trying to tell me.”

“It is,” he said.

I began to pace in a tight circle. It was insane, but it made sense. The Higher Power had been trying to end Shitty Ritchie since the beginning. And now… and now there was a second like him—one with multiple powers that mimicked the power that usually was assigned to only one—and it was my daughter. Two of the three of the trinity had been revealed. The Higher Power saw the writing on the wall and wanted to erase it before any could read it. There were so many problems, though. “Alana Catherine is a baby,” I cried out. “Shitty Ritchie is a freaking cannibal. That isn’t a great combo. And who in the heck is the third? June? Jennifer? They’re human. That doesn’t compute.” My voice sounded hysterical to my own ears. That was about right since I was considering peeling my own skin off my body right now.

“Daisy,” Jimmy George Carrots said, putting his hands on my shoulders to calm me down. “You were a fully human Death Counselor until you dove into the minds of the dead. You changed your DNA. You’re Immortal now.”

“Holy hell. So, I just start dragging June or Jennifer into the minds of the dead?” I choked out. “Not sure how well that’s gonna work. I might end up killing them. I already shoved June’s heart back into her chest once. I really don’t want to do that again. Ever. June has grandkids. Being the Higher Power isn’t going to jive with that. She also makes cookies. I can’t live without her cookies.” I knew I was freaking the fuck out, but he’d suggested I say the first thing that came to mind. I’d gone there and then some. “And Jennifer? She’s a fabulous high-functioning alcoholic with a ton of Botox and filler. She couldn’t even move her face for a couple of months because she got a double dose. She’s had a ghost go through her, but taking her on a field trip into someone’s mind doesn’t sound like it’s going to end well.”

The expression on Jimmy George Carrots’ face was one of complete confusion. If I hadn’t been about to drop to my knees and sob, I would have laughed.

“Daisy, you are not in charge of making anyone who they already are. Don’t forget destiny has already been set. The third will step forward when the time is right,” he promised.

“God,” I said, wildly embarrassed. “I just sounded like I had a major God complex.”

“Happens to the best of us,” Jimmy George Carrots said, wrapping me in a comforting hug.

“Tell me this… if you can,” I said, hugging him back. “Is our job to keep Shitty Ritchie and Alana Catherine safe until the time comes? You know, when the third of the trinity is revealed?”

“I believe so,” he said, stepping back and smiling. “I have not seen more than that.”

“Will I know it when the third arrives?”

He nodded. “You will.”

“How can Gideon and I help Alana Catherine?”

“Love her,” Jimmy George Carrots said. “Love her with all of your heart.”

That we could do.

“Oh, do you happen to know how long the sparkly skin is going to last?”

Jimmy George Carrots laughed. “One week.”

“Okay,” I said, slightly calmer. One sparkly week was doable. And we could have centuries before the third of the Trinity showed up. We’d just have to get good at ending the zombies and keeping my baby and the tiny turd safe. Gideon had multiple safe houses all over the world. I’d miss home, but keeping my child from harm was far more important. Living with Shitty Ritchie would be a challenge, but it was what it was. However, if he had the nards to ever offer me his sperm, he would lose his little willie. “I have one more question, Jimmy George Carrots. When the time comes, how do we get rid of the dictator?”

“How does anyone get rid of a dictator?” he countered. “Think back through history, child.”

Well, shit. All of the dictators I could think of had been assassinated. That could bring on the end in the Immortal world… unless the Trinity was ready to go.

That was my new goal. Keep two-thirds of the Trinity safe until the third is revealed, then offing the maniacal present Higher Power, while seamlessly putting the new Higher Powers in place.

Piece of cake. Not.

I sighed, groaned and sighed again. “You ready to go back?” I asked.

Jimmy George Carrots gifted me with his lovely smile. “I am. I wish you love, luck and millions of years of happiness.”

I smiled back and wrapped my friend in a hug. It was time to go home.