Page 32

CHAPTER 31

“ W hen the past no longer illuminates the future, the spirit walks in darkness.”

—Alexis de Tocqueville

Xander

Regrets.

I wasn’t the kind of man to experience them. And guilt? The bastards I’d killed over the years had deserved their fate. I hadn’t lost a wink of sleep after sending them straight to hell. But now? All I could think about was how my proclivities had taken over my life.

And I couldn’t stop thinking about her.

Jessica had wormed her way into my brain more than anyone had in my life.

A full day had passed spent ignoring my desire, shoving aside a longing that had pushed me into my office bathroom to stroke my cock. In the middle of the goddamn afternoon. I had more control than that. At least usually.

I didn’t give a shit that the stocks were still tumbling or that Wilder had fielded a call from some overzealous detective following up on Dorn’s ridiculous accusations. I couldn’t give a shit that sales of Dark Nights had taken a dip. They’d return. They always did. People craved what only we could offer.

Dorn was a piece of shit, but at least he was laying low, remaining out of sight and I’d checked.

The darkness had become the most difficult addiction to curb. In my earlier years, the need to remain burrowed in the shadows had become an obsession. That had allowed me to avoid whatever harsh punishment was on the mind of my caretaker or one of his or her spawn. My comfort in the absence of light could be called a psychological disfunction.

There’d been a half dozen other labels attached to my file that had followed me like bad blood from home to home. I’d matured from the almost desperate need to vanish into the desire to use every situation devoid of light to my advantage.

Yet as with all acts performed by young men with no direction, I’d aspired to bigger and better things, including the enjoyment of being in the sunlight. The thought made me chuckle as I pressed my boot down on the accelerator.

As if my younger self was some fucking vampire.

But now, I used the darkness for other aspects as well, including sheer enjoyment. While I’d recently experienced pleasure from basking in the light of someone like Jessica, I would continue to allow the darkest cravings to live inside of me. There was no other choice as I didn’t know any better.

The realization had come to me only a couple of hours earlier while questioning my decision-making abilities given my indecency with the woman. The lines had never been blurred between right and wrong or good versus evil because decency had never had a chance to manifest itself at a young age. I hadn’t cared in the least.

Until Jessica.

My twisted desire.

My most forbidden fruit.

And not just for the reasons most would latch onto first. Ex-best friend’s vulnerable daughter. Possible employee. Woman I’d stalked for two weeks. All of that was true, but the reason I should consider her completely off limits was all about her ability to unravel the monster deep inside.

Which was something I had never wanted. Brutality had offered relief to a battered soul, like heroin to a drug addict.

She was the single woman who could hold the fate of my soul in the palm of her hand. Although I owned her body and a large chunk of her brilliant mind. Whether she knew it or not, she’d surrendered herself to me the night of the first hunt.

My little lamb still believed she had the right to choose the path her life would take.

But she was wrong.

Soon I would collect what already belonged to me.

A laugh rushed up from my throat as wind whipped against my face.

Still unable to get her off my mind, I hoped the long ride in the middle of the night would provide some sense of relief. At least for the time being. Maybe I’d learned prudence over the years because biding my time would allow for more savage enjoyment.

Yet there was a strong part of me that kept me on the precipice of acts of depravity for no other reason than to fill a void. Jessica had managed to shed golden light on the abyss, but she wasn’t here.

Damn the act of professionalism. Damn the necessity for control.

I powered the Harley around a curve at an excessive speed, uncaring about the risk I was taking. The thrill of the ride was almost as delicious as the chase. Tonight, this would be my only entertainment and I planned on taking full advantage of the exhilarating feeling.

The back road was nearly devoid of vehicles, the weekend and late hour allowing for limited exposure to any other human. With my headlights shining on the road ahead, both my mind and conscience clear, there was no reason I wouldn’t enjoy the experience.

After making another turn, I pressed down on the accelerator again, going in excess of ninety miles per hour. The feeling of freedom was wide open, much like the howling wind echoing in my ears.

When a set of headlights appeared in my side mirror, I issued a deep growl. My soulful solace had been interrupted. My jaw ticked from annoyance, but I increased my speed. No one was foolish enough to take these roads at high speed.

Except for me.

I made another turn, this one sharper than the last.

The fucker was still following me. More annoyingly, he was able to keep up with me. Perhaps I should consider that the driver was a woman, perhaps even my little lamb, although from what little I could see in my side mirror, the vehicle was much larger than what she owned.

Who the fuck had the balls to follow me? Whoever it was obviously had a death wish. I could easily outrun and out-maneuver them, but what fun was that? I could also slow down, allowing them to have the brief feeling of victory.

But that would be too easy.

Besides, I’d have a difficult time eliminating both the body and the vehicle. If there was only one idiot of a human inside the car.

I made a quick and unusual decision, turning back toward town. Not to where I lived, but to the area where Den was located. Why not see how the hand was played while enjoying a quick drink?

After making the decision, I didn’t waste any additional time seeing if the asshole would follow me. I knew they would. Although I had a feeling whoever it was would pretend they were no longer interested.

Five minutes later, that’s exactly what happened, the vehicle making a turn while I continued going straight.

The idiot obviously believed me to be a fool. I played this game better than anyone.

Less than ten minutes later, I pulled the bike into the cramped parking lot, making a space near the back. I didn’t care if it was legal or not. I owned the joint.

With the helmet secured, I took long strides toward the front, yanking open the door. I was angry that anyone would dare destroy my limited peace, but also amused at their forceful attempt at threatening me.

I headed to the table where I’d sat with Jessica the night I’d pretended to interview her, keeping my back to the entrance. I had one weapon in the inner pocket of my leather jacket, another strapped to my leg. I’d learned to be extremely careful wherever I went long before learning enemies existed even in the gaming world.

I was well aware of the door opening and a lone person entering. There was no need to bristle or to become concerned. Only an idiot would open fire in the middle of a somewhat crowded location. This wasn’t some mafia turf war after all. I smirked at the thought.

Less than two minutes later, I sensed a presence behind me. The mystery guest stood watching, debating how to approach me. I smiled, remembering I’d always underestimated the man. He’d learned all my tricks and then some when we were running wild.

When a shot of tequila was placed in front of me, a second one off to the side, I shook my head.

“How long have you been following me, Michael?”

Jessica’s father, the one man who knew all my darkest secrets, slid the second shot closer to the chair opposite mine, sitting down as if years hadn’t passed.

I lifted my head, studying him the exact way he was doing with me. He’d aged, more so than I thought I’d done. I was surprised to see gray at his temples, but reminded myself he was several years older.

“Long enough to know you have something on your mind,” he answered and lifted the shot glass, waiting until I did the same. “I will say you know how to navigate a motorcycle.”

“It’s not just any motorcycle. It’s a Harley.”

“You always did enjoy taking risks.”

“So did you, back in the day. You were pretty daring with the rental car.”

“Some things change. Others don’t,” he admitted, laughing softly under his breath.

“Some aspects of our lives and needs don’t change as much as you would like to believe.”

He had a wry look on his face and was dressed in black. It was his attempt at either an act of solidarity or taking a moment to return to days we’d enjoyed more than he would likely admit to anyone.

I found it interesting he was dressed in all black as I was, the way we’d presented ourselves during the hunts we’d both participated in many years before. Granted, the tasks we’d performed at the time, while still criminal, were nothing in comparison to the ones I engaged in today.

Yet he’d been as enraptured by the thrill as much as I had.

Stalking.

Breaking and entering.

Hunting.

We’d enjoyed the fleeting aspects of being youthful and stupid while accomplishing very little. Of course his time had been limited. Not only by his family, but also because he was in medical school.

I’d had all the fucking time in the world, initially playing video games by day, perfecting my techniques as a monster by night. At least when I’d gotten my first coding job at twenty-something, I’d finally started to smooth out the rough edges.

“Don’t I always have something troubling on my mind?” I powered back the alcohol, amused that since our friendship had imploded, I hadn’t touched tequila.

He looked toward the bar, nodding to the bartender. “We both do. I read the article.”

“I’m sure you did.”

“Any of the blasphemous bullshit true?”

I laughed and sat back as the bartender brought a shot for Mike and a whiskey for me. “Even after all these years, I think you know the answer to that.”

“I guess I do. You were always into darker recesses of the mind and body. Racketeering is beneath you.”

He carried an expression like the one I remembered after a night of stalking. He was the one who’d taught me about the joys of observation, which was what he’d called how we handled discovering everything about a person’s life. He’d shared with me he’d learned the art to help him with his medical career.

He’d never been the kind of man to call a spade a spade. That had been the most annoying aspect about our friendship.

We’d always been two dark souls who’d been surprised finding each other in a sea of slugs. At least that’s what we’d told ourselves. “Why are you here, Mike? While I don’t mind an occasional round of reminiscing, as you might imagine, I have other things on my mind.”

“Like my daughter?” He kept his eyes focused on mine, smirking behind the glass as he pulled it in front of his lips.

“You surmised after reading the article I’m having a torrid affair with Jessica?”

He leaned forward. “One thing I always appreciated about you was your inability to tell a lie. Don’t bullshit me now. The look isn’t good on you. You’re fucking my daughter.”

“While your candor is appreciated, there’s no need to be crass. You daughter doesn’t deserve it.”

“Perhaps you’re right, as you always believed you were.”

His tone was coming close to what it had been during the last days of our friendship. I took a deep breath and sipped my drink, trying to determine why the hell he was really here. “Only about certain things. Why take a flight?”

“Because I didn’t think you’d talk to me over the phone. There are some things that need to be said.”

Snorting, I realized I’d fisted the glass when my knuckles turned white. “Then say them. I don’t have all night.”

“Fine, Xander. I don’t claim to be a decent man any more than you ever did, but I’ve changed my life for the better, which is what I thought you were attempting to do.”

“Who says I’m not?”

“Are you? Are you finally rid of your demons that plagued you to the point you only reacted to the rage inside instead of controlling it?”

“What does it matter to you?”

He looked away, his entire face scrunching up from frustration. “My daughter believes in you. She cares about you.” He turned his head to stare me in the eyes once again.

“And just how do you know that?” I asked, laughing.

“Because she told me as much right before demanding I tell her the truth about what happened with you and Shanna.” His words hung in the air and I could tell guilt was riding him hard.

“Just what did you tell her, Michael? That I was the despicable man you ensured both you and Jessica believed in? That I left her because I was such a horrible person? That I used her as you suspected, getting my jollies out of defiling a young woman for the sin and pleasure? What? Trust me, you worked your magic on your younger daughter. She’s spent her entire adult life planning a way to destroy me. It likely worked.”

“She had nothing to do with that article and you know it. What I find so interesting is that after all these years of righting wrongs both in your personal life and in those you believed used or abused, you haven’t exacted revenge on the fucker who not only wants to bring down your empire, but destroy all hopes for my daughter’s future.”

“Let’s face it, Michael. You never wanted Jessica involved in what you called my depraved world. But here’s the thing. She’s damn good at what she does, perhaps the most talented and brilliant code developer and designer I’ve ever worked with. But you couldn’t give a shit about what she wants. Do tell me what you shared with her so I can keep up the lie to protect your relationship. It’s the least I can do.” Now I was angry. Furious with myself for doing what he’d asked all those years ago. And with walking away when I never should have allowed that to happen.

“You’re still a bastard.”

I powered back a good portion of my drink, hissing afterwards. Suddenly, the usual smooth taste was bitter. “You bet I am. That’s what life, God, and my parents made me. Along with the devil, of course.”

“You’re also insufferable. You have a life so many are envious of, but you choose darkness over light.”

“Because it’s served me well.”

“Then you’re going to end up very much alone,” Michael snapped. “I’d hate that for you because contrary to what you keep telling yourself, you’re a good guy down inside. You were dealt a very bad hand, a catastrophic one, but my daughter cares about you. Maybe it’s time you climbed out of your own prison cell and live a little before it’s too late.”

He finished his drink, slammed the glass on the table and stood. This conversation was definitely over.

Michael started to walk away but stopped, his shoulders slumping. “You’re right. You’re fucking right about everything. You were never to blame for anything, Xander. I was. All these years I’ve tried to damn hard to force myself into believing you were the bad guy. You might not believe this, but I’ve suffered because of how I handled the situation with Shanna. Tremendously. Neither you nor Shanna deserved the betrayal. You’ll never forgive me as I won’t forgive myself, but do me a favor, don’t take your hatred out on Jessica. She’s… A bright shining star. She knows the truth. But do you want to know what’s so sad? She already knew it. That sweet girl with a heart of gold was doing her best to remain loyal and protect her father. And what did I do? I ignored my own daughter and her feelings. I’ve lost her. I know that. Do you want to suffer the same fate?”

“You didn’t lose her, Mike. She has a tremendous capacity for forgiveness. But you’ll need to extend an olive branch for her to accept.”

“Excellent advice. I have a question, Xander. Can you let go of the past long enough to enjoy an entirely different future, one devoid of the darkness and plagued by your demons?”

I had no answer and when I remained silent, he walked away.

For once, there was no anger clawing to escape, no sense of hungering for violence to right whatever perceived wrong.

There was only sorrow.