Page 28 of She’s a Big Deal

Grace stood in the shower with both hands flat against the tile wall and her head bent under the jet of water. She made it cold, intent on shocking herself out of the dream. She also needed to get rid of this urge she felt to drag Olivia back into bed, snuggle deep into her arms, and cry her heart out. Olivia would not think any less of her if she gave in to that weakness. Grace knew it, just as sure as she knew she was going to break her heart. Oh yeah, she had warned her in the beginning. No promises. But then she’d gone full steam ahead and invited her to Florida, and Christmas lunch at the family home. The nightmare was telling, and not just brought on by Jeremy’s thoughtless, hurtful remarks. Grace knew that too. She threw on clothes quickly, then took a second to steel herself before she went out. To lock down her emotions, be sure no more tears would escape her will.

“Hey.” Olivia greeted her with a cup of coffee and a valiant smile, but it was written all over her face. She knew something was up.

Grace accepted the coffee, put it straight down, and pulled her into her arms. “Olivia—”

“Wait,” her lover said softly. Pulling back just a little to look her in the eye, she flashed a surprisingly brilliant smile. “And be patient with me now because I am going to quote the Buddha. Okay?”

Grace was taken aback enough at this declaration to simply nod. “Okay…”

“Here goes the saying: ‘Never reply when you are angry. Never make a promise when you are happy. Never make a decision when you are sad.’ ”

“Your Buddha is a bossy one.”

“And wise,” Olivia countered.

“For sure. But I’m not angry. And I didn’t make a promise.” Grace kept her own tone gentle, and careful, but she did owe it to her to be honest.

“I remember very well what you said.” Olivia leaned into her for a tantalizing brush of the lips. “But you are so incredibly sad that it makes me want to cry as well. So, please don’t make a decision right now, Grace. That’s all I’m asking. I can sense how hard this is for you… Probably has been since the beginning. So take your time. No rush. No pressure.”

No number of walls would keep these words from hitting home. I know this is hard for you. Olivia’s easy understanding and acceptance penetrated her armor like a hot knife slicing through butter.

“Right.” Grace swallowed around a ball of rising emotion, yet again, as hot tears burned the back of her throat. “I’ll take some time.”

“Alright. Great.” Olivia briefly laid the palm of her hand over her cheek before averting her gaze and turning away from her. Giving her time to regain her composure, Grace understood; which only made it harder to do. “I understand you must not be hungry at all right now, but pancakes are good for you in these circumstances.”

Under more normal ones, Grace might have inquired if this was another Buddha quote, but she was too busy holding herself together to even think about joking. She so wanted to stay here... To drink coffee, maybe. Eat if she had to. To bask in Olivia’s warmth and her gentle hugs, definitely. At the same time, she wanted out of there like her body required oxygen. By the time she headed off to the airport to catch her flight, and thank God she’d booked one on the same day, she was ready to explode. Just outside Red Falls, she had to pull over on the side of the road. Getting hard to breathe again, and her heart was pounding like after a half-mile sprint. She knew the signs of an impending loss of control. Understood the reasons for this struggle.

“Fuck!” All alone, she screamed at the snow-covered trees in frustration, anger, and plenty of sadness.

Olivia could read her like a book, apparently. Although her compassion made it very tempting to be with her, it also invited long-suppressed emotions that Grace feared more than anything.

“Get in the car and go,” she muttered, ordering herself.

Tears burned but she swallowed them back. And drove the rest of the way with the window open, welcoming the lashing of freezing cold air on her face. Boarding the plane with a splitting headache, she just gritted her teeth and opened her laptop. She had plenty to keep her busy. She would focus on work, her tried-and-tested way to deal with unwanted emotions. Let all settle. No problem.

◆◆◆

Olivia sought refuge in her workshop. Over the following week, she delivered early on a project that she had initially promised for the new year, delighting her customer and earning herself a repeat order from the woman’s sister. She cleaned her house, top to bottom, and took Everett on lots of forest walks. At the gym, she lifted weights until her arms threatened to fall off. Declined the offer of the new personal trainer there to go out for a drink with her, though she was a friendly and attractive woman. But yeah; Olivia sure was not interested in flirting. No vegan events took place at this time of year, which was good since she was in no mood to go a round with someone intent on proving that cutting a carrot was the same, and just as cruel, as slicing the throat of a living chicken. Zero patience for this kind of bullshit at the moment. The hardest thing for Olivia was to grant her lover the solitary time she had advised her to take for herself. And try not to dwell on the idea that Grace may have shut down on her for good.

“Oh, now you want me to insist?” she snorted when Dana told her she should call.

They were on their way out of town in her friend’s truck after the vet's office received a call about an injured dog spotted in the area.

“Well. Have you spoken to her since she flew back?”

“We’ve messaged a couple of times. Grace is fine.”

“Uh-huh. How about you?”

“Me too. Don’t worry, okay? What road did that guy say to head out on?”

“Road 6 out of Red Falls. We’re looking for a black lab.”

Olivia kept her eyes peeled in the vanishing light. It was to be another cold night, and an injured pet would not stand much of a chance in this weather if they could not find him.

“I’ll park here and we’ll go on foot,” Dana announced. “You head south and I’ll take the other way. Got your radio?”

“Yeah.”

“Watch out for icy patches.”

“Yes, Mother.”

“Haha.”

Ten minutes later, as it began to snow again, Olivia spotted the animal and she radioed her search partner. “I’ve got him, D. Black lab, limping a bit. His right front leg is swollen around the middle.”

“Older dog,” Dana observed after catching up. “You can see he’s going a bit grey around the eyes. Dammit, Olivia!”

“What?” Olivia frowned at her angry tone.

“I’ll bet that’s another Christmas victim. People are tossing out their pets in favor of a new puppy. Look at him!” she added with feeling, as the wounded dog eyed them warily from the tree line. “Hurt, and freezing cold out there, but too frightened to come to us for safety.”

“How old do you think he is?”

“Seven or eight, I’d say.”

“Not that old, then.”

“Nope... Just not in fashion anymore,” Dana stated bitterly, before shifting to a reassuring tone. “Hey, boy! How are you doing? Are you hungry? Come here. Come on!”

The dog whimpered as she called to him, limping forward and back again with his tail between his legs.

“It’s okay, we’re going to take good care of you. Come here, boy.” More whimpering, almost like crying, as the animal clearly fought his impulse to come forward. In an agony of indecision. “Someone hurt this one too, you know?”

“You think so?”

“Yeah. He’s got that look about him.”

“He seems so lost and exhausted,” Olivia murmured.

“Yeah, and you can see he’s torn between his desire to trust us and the fear of it.”

“Hmm.”

Olivia bit her lip as she recalled seeing an eerily similar expression in the eyes of the woman she loved—and more than once. She had noticed the raging conflict. She recognized an almost painful desire to trust and let go, but also fear and reluctance at the same time. Grace was caught in the middle, lost in her contradictions.

“You okay?” Dana elbowed her in the ribs.

“Yeah, yeah. But this is sad.”

“We’ll make it better. You grab the blanket, Oli, and I’ve got treats. Let’s bring him in.”

It took ten minutes of back-and-forth to win the dog over without adding more trauma. Finally, Olivia bundled him into the blanket, and they carried him back to the truck with his tail tentatively wagging.

“The leg’s not broken, just sprained.” Dana wrapped a tight bandage around the limb, laughing when the dog licked her face in gratitude. “You’re welcome, my friend. Olivia?”

“Yes?”

“Stop crying, babe.”

“Oh…”

“We’ll go via the practice to give him a warm bath, but then I’m taking this one home. No shelter for him tonight.”

Olivia wiped her eyes, surprised to find tears on her cheeks, indeed. Was she crying for this dog, who looked at Dana with such innocent love in his big brown eyes despite what hurt may have been inflicted by another heartless human being? Or for a woman who was just as starved of warmth and affection, whose wounded past made her resist falling in love a second time?

“Can I hold him on the front seat?” she asked.

“Yes. And leave him in the blanket so he stays warm.”

Across the seats, the animal kept his good leg extended and his paw on Dana’s thigh as she drove, as if he could not bear not to be in contact with her for a second. And he never took his eyes off her face.

“Good boy.” She smiled and patted him on the head. “Look at you wagging your tail again! You are so cute.”

“What will Mel say to you bringing home another rescue, D.?”

“Oh, she’ll be fine. Did I tell you we are moving soon?”

“No!” Olivia stared in surprise. “Where are you going?”

“Only a couple streets over from where we are now.” Dana laughed at her puzzled expression. “Just to a bigger house. This way, Mel will have an entire room for her ever-growing library and a separate office for her writing.”

“Alright. Good idea.”

“Yeah. She buys the books and I bring home the doggies. It works for us. Hey, wanna come for dinner to celebrate another successful rescue?”

Thinking of her empty house, Olivia nodded. “I’ll just go pick up Everett first, okay?”

“For sure,” Dana approved. “The more dogs, the merrier, as I always say.”

It was nice to relax with her friends, though watching Dana and her wife of almost ten years interact together made Olivia think of Grace, and how much she missed her. With Grace, she had experienced the deep connection that she observed between the two women. Their love was reflected in every gesture, it shone in every smile. Olivia had felt the same vibe with Grace, and she did not believe it was one-sided. Upon going to bed that night, she took her phone with her and started to call. But then, hesitated. If she started a conversation, she had to be prepared for the fact that it might not go the way she wanted. Olivia might not have risked it tonight if the choice had not been taken out of her hands. Right on cue, Grace’s number flashed on the screen. Of course, she answered.

“Hello?”

“Hi, Liv. It’s me.”

“Hi…” Olivia melted. The sound of that warm, husky voice and the nickname that only her lover used elicited a flurry of tingles down her spine. “How are you, Grace?”

“Okay. You?”

“Yes, I just had dinner with friends. Rescued a lost dog this afternoon.”

“Ah. Good.”

“Work is good as well. Grace… I miss you so much!”

Oh, shit! She had not meant to say it… Or at least, not blurt it out with so much emotion. A silence followed, during which Olivia mentally screamed at the wall.

“Grace?” she prompted. “Are you still there?”

“Yes.”

“Are you at home?”

“No. In my office.”

“After ten o’clock? Working really late again.”

“Yeah.” She sounded impatient. Cool and reluctant. But no less determined, apparently. “Look, there’s something I have to say to you. Olivia, I’m really sorry…”

Olivia steeled herself for what she feared would be coming next.