Page 42 of Seashells and Other Souvenirs

I wake to an empty house.

I knew Kelsey and Donovan were planning to leave early to swing by the apartment office before her first couple hours training with Mr. Bruce’s staff. But I was surprised to see Jude’s bedroom door sitting open when I crept down the stairs.

Yesterday, he’d gone to lie down for a few minutes when we got back, and I haven’t seen him since. Maybe he went to the beach with Tyler?

I stumble into the kitchen, so preoccupied with thoughts of Jude that it takes me a minute to notice the tiny box of cereal on the counter with a note tucked underneath.

Ran out to take care of a few things. Be back this afternoon.

I consider pulling out our notebook to write out the things I can’t say to him, but I think the best thing I can do for him right now is to keep my feelings locked away while he sorts through his.

I’ve spent my life trying to shield my heart from loss, but his is the one I want to protect at all costs now. Is that what love is?

I trudge back upstairs and get dressed, brush my hair and braid it. In the mirror’s reflection, I catch sight of the Tolkien book on my nightstand. I need to distract myself for a few long hours, and I want to feel close to Jude in some way; I guess this is as good an option as any.

I tuck the book under my arm and head to the hammock under the house where I can escape to a world of dragons and spiders and trolls, far less intimidating foes than the real fears threatening to consume me.

A hand on my shoulder shakes me gently back to consciousness.

“Tolkien isn’t that boring,” he whispers as I try to reorient myself and blink the fog out of my eyes.

I take the hand he extends, plant my feet on the ground, and roll out of the hammock. “Hey. Are you okay?”

“Yeah. But I could use a hug.” He doesn’t have to ask twice.

“I was worried about you.”

“To be honest, I’m a little worried about you. Reading about hobbits without any prompting; are you feeling okay?”

I lean back and glower at him, relieved to hear him joking again. “For your information, I finished the book.”

“And?”

“And then I took a nap.”

He laughs, and I want to make him do it again. “I meant, what did you think of it?”

“It wasn’t that bad. Not my usual kind of book but good enough to make me think about reading the next one.”

He grabs both my hands and stares into my face. “Alexandria Henry, that is the most attractive thing I’ve ever heard you say.”

I swat his arms away and roll my eyes.

“Are you up for a picnic?” he asks. “I want to take you somewhere.”

I reach back to the hammock for my book and phone. I hadn’t realized it was almost dinnertime. “What about Kelsey and Donovan?”

“They’ll be okay. We’ll make up some extra sandwiches and leave them in the fridge.” He starts for the stairs.

“Jude?”

“Yeah?”

“Did you really hit Gavin for kissing me?”

He spins around and scrunches one eye shut. “I did.”

I put a hand over my mouth.

“I told you, he means well. He did it for the same reason he asked you to dinner this summer, ‘because if you don’t make a move, Jude, someone else is going to do it first.’” His imitation of Gavin is spot on. I giggle.

“Appealing to that competitive nature, huh?”

He turns serious once more. “Except that it wasn’t a competition. And you didn’t deserve to be treated that way. I knew you had feelings for Gavin, and I didn’t want him to hurt you.”

And I don’t want to hurt Jude. Before I can figure out a way to tell him that, he grabs the railing. “Let’s go get that picnic ready.”

Jude spreads the blanket over the concrete and sets our basket on top. When he said picnic, I was picturing a grassy park, not the middle of a paved-over swimming pool surrounded by a chain link fence.

“Sutton always told me they tore it down because of me, but I never believed her. Why would they have waited two years?”

“It wasn’t you,” Jude says. “You definitely weren’t the only one to sustain an injury here.” His gaze wanders across the area where the two blue slides once stood. “Kelsey just told me the other day that she’s glad it’s not still here; she would never have let Donovan near those rickety things.”

“They weren’t that bad.” I pull out our sandwiches and a bag of chips.

He opens the bottle of lemonade and pours two cups. “You wouldn’t believe some of the stories Kelsey has from her lifeguarding days.”

“I’ll bet.” I wait for him to pick up his sandwich.

He taps the toe of my shoe with his foot. “Would it be okay if we talked about stuff for a minute? I don’t want to pressure you, but I have something I’d like to tell you.”

I set my drink down. “We can talk about anything you want to. I’m sorry about yesterday; I’m ready now.”

“I’ve been waiting to bring you here all summer.

” He smiles when my forehead wrinkles in confusion.

“I’ll explain, but first I wanted to tell you that I went to see my counselor this morning and then spent some time sorting things out.

” He takes a deep breath. “As much as I never want this summer to end, as much as I never want this to end…” He gestures to the space between us and squares his shoulders.

“Look, just because something is only for a season, doesn’t mean it isn’t just as beautiful and valuable as something that lasts forever.

You’ve walked into and out of my life for a lot of summers, Al, and every one of them was special.

But this summer.” He scoots closer. “I think this summer we needed each other. And I think we’re both better because of the time we spent together. ”

He pulls a napkin out of the basket and hands it to me. “Don’t start crying yet. I have to make it through this.”

“Sorry.” I sniffle.

“It’s taken me years to unpack what happened here that day when we were kids. But it left a lasting mark on me too.”

“What do you mean?”

I study the way his jaw twitches, and I can almost see through his eyes and into a brain that’s trying to untwist all this like a Rubik’s Cube.

“That year, my third-grade teacher said something several times. ‘Hurt people hurt people.’ I know now that she meant it as an explanation for some kids’ behavior, but at the time, I took it as some kind of prophecy I was trying to outrun.

” He looks down. “It sounds absurd when I say it out loud now, but as a nine-year-old who was hurting all the time, I was so terrified I was going to cause someone else pain, that I was going to ruin someone else’s life the way I ruined my family’s just by coming into the world. ”

“Oh, Jude.”

He holds up a hand, and I bite my lip. “But that day, I watched you hold Elle and calm her down while you were literally bleeding everywhere. And though I didn’t fully understand it at the time, I think that’s when the idea started taking root in my heart that I didn’t have to be perfect or fixed before I could show up for other people.

That everyone has their own wounds, and maybe we were made to hurt and heal side by side.

To walk with each other through this life that’s so, so hard but can be so good too.

To witness one another’s redemption stories. ” A tear slides down his nose.

“And I was way too young to be thinking about girls at nine years old, but I distinctly remember feeling that day that you were someone safe, someone I wanted to know, really know, not just run into on the beach. Someone I wanted to be known by.” He takes off his glasses for a moment to run the back of his hand across his eyes.

“This summer was life-altering for me in a lot of ways. And the fall is going to look completely different than any season has so far. And I guess what I’m trying to say is, thank you for being here beside me during this.

I hope you’ll look back and find that I was even a fraction as much of a part of your story this summer as you were of mine.

You’ve been a big part of healing places in my heart that I didn’t even know were there.

And sure, I may end up with a couple new bruises here in a few days, but I wouldn’t trade these past weeks for anything. I love you, Alex.”

I will love this man until the day I die is the thought shouting in my head as Jude runs a thumb across my scar like he did that night in our fort; this time, I don’t pull away.

When he leans in and places a kiss where they stitched me up all those summers ago, my heart splits wide open.

I’m not sure all the doctors in the world could stitch it back together again.