Page 30 of Seashells and Other Souvenirs

“Please come with us, Sutton.” Elle sticks out her bottom lip in her infamous pout. “Bekah’s already ditching us for Jamaican food with Dr. Dillon.”

“I know.” Sutton sighs, offering a pacifier to her fussy daughter. “But the crab hunt is Chris’s favorite. I know he’d miss it in a heartbeat for me, but I want him to have this.”

“Okay,” Elle relents. “I guess when you put it all gushy and sweet like that . . .”

I grab the glow sticks and Elle’s arm. “Come on. They’re getting ready to leave.”

The anticipation is palpable in the crowd gathered on the street in front of the houses. I hand off the bundle of glow sticks to one of the teenagers who starts passing them out. Chris and another cousin help the littlest kids twist them into bracelets and necklaces.

Before I have a chance to locate him in the frenzy, Jude finds me. “Hey.” He says it quietly while Elle is preoccupied helping someone reattach the handle to their sand bucket, and I like that this single spoken word, and the unspoken ones that seem to hide behind it, are just for me.

Donovan appears at his side, net propped on his shoulder and grinning from ear to ear. Elle turns around. “Donovan, that headlamp is awesome . What a great idea.”

“Uncle Jude bought it for me.” He flashes it on, temporarily blinding us.

Jude reaches over and clicks it back off.

“I didn’t want to risk him dropping my flashlight and breaking it if he got spooked.

You know how kids are sometimes.” He keeps a perfectly straight face, but I can tell he’s reveling in the fact that I can’t use any of the sarcastic replies that come to mind.

“All right!” One of my uncles shouts over our heads. “Stay with somebody you know!” When he starts leading the group to the beach, Elle and I look at each other and laugh at the same minimal instructions we’ve received every year since we could walk.

A high-pitched voice rings out from somewhere above the yellow glowing necklace dancing at our elbows. “Elle, can you teach us that Spanish song from the other day?”

“Si, chica.” Elle lets her tiny student lead her further up into the throng.

At the very back, Donovan holds on to Jude’s left hand; his right hangs at his side, close enough to mine that I can tell myself it’s an accident every time they touch.

When it’s our turn to descend the wooden steps and shed our flip-flops, there’s already practically a mountain of shoes. Appropriate, I think; this is holy ground, after all.

The air is balmy, and it would be an exceptionally dark night if not for the myriad of glow sticks and flashlight beams crisscrossing up and down the shore.

Donovan switches his headlamp on and takes in the scene. “Is it okay if I stay close to you for now?” he asks Jude.

“I’m with you, buddy.” Jude reassures him. “We can stick together as long as you want.”

Donovan hesitates for a moment, then admits, “I’m not really sure how to do this.”

“Well, first of all,” Jude explains, “you have to shine your light all around until you find a crab.” He places one hand on each side of Donovan’s head and turns it toward the ocean before swinging it playfully back to the sand by the houses, then to the ocean again. Donovan cackles.

A triumphant scream is issued nearby. “Got one! We need a net!”

“Who’s got a net?” I recognize Elias’s voice. Donovan looks up at his uncle, and when Jude nods in assent, takes off. My heart swells as I watch him join my family. I have a ridiculous amount of love for this kid considering I only met him a few days ago.

Suddenly, I realize that Jude is standing much closer to me than he was a minute ago. I don’t pull my eyes from the crab capture happening several yards away but tentatively allow the back of my hand to graze his. A second later, his fingers slide between mine.

The waves crash quietly behind us as peals of laughter sound in the glow stick-dotted distance.

My brain tells me I should be experiencing the assault of all the conflicting emotions that have warred inside me these past days.

But the only thing I feel is contentment.

Peace. The distinct impression that whatever else might be wrong at the moment, this is very, very right.

“Uncle Jude! Look!” A small figure is tearing through the darkness toward us, a net balanced in front. “We got a big one!”

Jude squeezes my hand once before letting go. “Whoa.” He kneels down and admires his nephew’s bounty. “You’re a natural, bud.”

And that’s when all the feelings come rushing in, flooding my heart and mind with questions and doubts, running rampant in my chest, clawing to get out.

The fan blades whir above us.

“We could go buy postcards,” Elle suggests from her perch on Rebekah’s bed. “We haven’t written to anyone famous yet this year.”

“Sure.” Rebekah sighs, picking at a loose string on the comforter and looking like she just watched a puppy being put down.

Dr. Dillon left early this morning to have time for a quick nap before a long shift at the hospital.

In the past, I would have rolled my eyes at her lovesick moping, but it seems I have a newfound empathy.

I could swear one of my hands still feels warmer than the other, and every time I look at it, I physically ache. What is wrong with me?

“Come in!” Elle calls. I didn’t even hear the knock.

Sutton’s face appears around the cracked door.

“Did you seriously just knock?” Rebekah’s brows pull together. “This is still your room too, you know.” She scoots over to make space for our oldest cousin.

“Where’s Marcie?” Elle asks.

“Chris took her for a drive.” Sutton sets the box of candy and the laptop she carried in on the bed between us. “I thought our Bek might need some cheering up in the form of our favorite movie. Besides.” She pulls her legs up under her. “Alex got too much sun yesterday. Did you put some aloe on?”

“Yes, Mom.” I act annoyed, but I hope her bossing me around is a sign that things could be normal between us again. I yank the blanket from the other bed and arrange it around the four of us while Sutton starts the movie.

How many times have I watched this story play out on a screen? And yet, all I can think about is the most recent one, remembering how Jude laughed at all the right parts and tapped his socked foot along to the beat of my favorite songs.

I try not to dwell on the fact that my thoughts keep straying. Or the fact that I can’t tell my best friends what my heart is doing right now, the way it’s betraying me. Or the fact that I so very desperately want to.

Rebekah sighs again. “Falling for someone is wonderful. But sometimes it really sucks.”

Sutton puts an arm around her. “Yes, it does.”

“I wouldn’t know.” Elle shrugs. “But we’re here for you, Bek.”

I shove a handful of candy into my mouth.