Page 44 of Save Me

I stared at the dots, wondering if this was all I was ever going to know. Blood and never-ending pain. If so, I didn’t want to do this anymore.

Why had I fought so hard?

I couldn’t remember the reason, or the strength I’d conjured that night.

Where had it gone?

My chest became tight again.

I was scared.

I needed my mom.

I ran to my bedroom and ripped open my closet. I crawled all the way to the back corner, under a section of hanging clothes. I brought my knees to my chest and I gave up.

13

“Shiloh?”my mom called before my closet door opened. She spotted me sitting all the way in the back, my knees tucked to my chest. “What are you doing in here?” she asked as she bent over to look at me, concern etched around her eyes.

“I feel like I can’t breathe,” I said.

“Oh, honey,” she said, kneeling down and grabbing my hand. “Come here.” She pulled me to her and wrapped her arms around me.

“I don’t know how much longer I can do this,” I cried into her shoulder.

“Don’t say that.”

“I feel like he’s always watching me. Like I can’t get free. Why won’t he leave me alone?!”

Her arms squeezed so tight around me and I thought I heard her sniffle. Her chest shook as she exhaled. “Listen to me,” she said, grabbing my shoulders and making me look at her. She looked determined and fierce. Only the slight pink tint in her eyes showed she might have been crying. “If you give up, he wins. We can’t let him win. You are strong enough to withstand this.”

“I don’t think I am.”

She looked up at the ceiling as if trying to regain her composure. When she looked down at me again, that determined look returned. “I know you are because I made you. Life will constantly lay heavy shit on your shoulders in order to knock you down.”

I gaped at hearing her curse.

She gave me a tiny smile. “You will fall. You will fall many times. Sometimes the fall will hurt more than you ever thought possible and you will feel like you don’t want to get back up. Like right now, for example. But you will, and when you do, you will be stronger.”

“You make it sound so easy.” I wiped my face.

“I know it’s not,” she said, stroking the back of my head.

“Have you ever fallen and absolutely could not get back up?” I asked her.

She got a sad look in her eye and nodded.

“Then how did you get back up?”

“Your father helped me.”

“What am I supposed to do if I ever reach that point?”

She got to her feet and held out her hand. “Then I’ll help you, honey.”

* * *

I opened my eyes to the sound of Knox’s voice. “She reset the alarm. That means she’s in the house somewhere.”