Page 35

Max

My eyes feel gritty from staring too long at this fucking red dot. I tracked the car I gave her despite the fact she wants nothing to do with me anymore. For good measure, I slipped a tracker in her duffel bag's inner pocket as well. I had to. But I worry this decision is slowly driving me insane.

I watched her drive south to middle Ohio right after she left my house last week. Then it stopped.

And hasn't moved since.

I caved after a few days and drove down there. The car sat in a shady hotel parking lot, making me wonder if she'd given away the money.

I waited hours until I saw her leave for a nearby gas station.

It took all my strength not to run to her, feel her in my arms again. To apologize and try making everything okay. To heal this gaping emptiness since she left .

But I knew that could ruin everything. She doesn't want me anymore.

If I stay away and don't reveal I'm tracking her, there's a slim chance she'll return. Even having her as a friend would beat this insanity.

Since that day in Ohio, I've been fixated on the GPS app—this fucking red dot ruling my life.

My doorbell rings, so I peel myself from bed, eyes still glued to my phone. Bianca's staying tonight. Sofia's spent most evenings trying to cheer me up, so I guess it's my other sister's turn to babysit and ensure I don't do anything stupid.

I check the tracker once more before pocketing my phone.

"Hey, Max!" she chirps when I open the door.

I've been in my dark bedroom so long that outside light hurts. She drops some grocery bags and gives me a quick hug. "You doin' okay?"

"Never been better."

She rolls her eyes. "You're scaring the shit out of Sofia with how you're acting. But it's Sofia. She doesn't understand feeling sad or depressed."

"I know. She tried writing me a fucking schedule to get out of this funk. Wanted me up at five running ten miles or something ridiculous."

Bianca laughs. "I brought ice cream, chips, candy bars, and beer. You don't have to worry about that with me."

She immediately cracks open a beer when we get to the kitchen. I decline and grab candy instead. "Too early yet. "

"It's literally five o'clock, Max. I don't even have to say 'somewhere.'"

I rest my chin on my hand, leaning against the counter, watching her slow, awkward movements. Her eyes look glassy. She hides it well—most wouldn't notice she's already drunk—but I can tell.

"What time did you start drinking today? This clearly isn't your first."

She pauses, beer at her lips, tensing. "What does it matter to you?"

"Forget it, doesn't matter." I'll fight this battle another day. When I’m not so tired and depressed.

We move to the living room where she picks a movie. I ignore it along with her conversation.

Instead, I fixate on the tracking app.

Still in Ohio.

Still not moving.

I toss my phone beside me to watch from the corner of my eye and bite into a Snickers. I chew slowly, savoring it. My mouth waters and I devour the rest, then open a Kit-Kat.

I've had no appetite lately. My body feels weak from hunger, but food nauseates me. For once, gorging on sweets might be healthy.

"I don't want to sound like Sofia," Bianca says, "but having your staff clean and getting some natural light could help."

I chew another candy bar, taking in my surroundings. Days-old coffee stains the carpet. Dirty socks litter the first floor. I was so desperate for privacy, I canceled all cleaning and laundry services.

Jesus, I must look like a complete fucking mess to my baby sister.

"I'll take care of it tomorrow."

I toss wrappers on the floor, feeling Bianca's eye roll, then focus on my phone again, tuning out everything else.

"What are you looking at?" Bianca asks.

"Nothing."

"Then turn it off and watch the movie with me."

"Work stuff," I lie.

"Max, Dad isn't expecting anything from you right now. He complained about that all afternoon."

She stands and blocks my view. I turn off my screen.

"Seriously?" She raises her eyebrows. "Are you talking to her?"

I rub my face. I should lie. I really should. But I'm starting to realize I might need help.

"I'm tracking the car I gave her."

"Oh." She sits beside me. "Where is she?"

"Ohio."

"Well, she didn't make it far." She chuckles. "I assume she doesn't know you’re tracking her?"

"Nope."

"So what's your plan? Surprise her with a boombox outside her window?"

"Bianca!” I hiss .

She raises her hands. "Sorry! Just trying to lighten the mood but... no more jokes. Got it."

I carefully open another candy bar. Noticing Bianca's look, I break off a piece for her. "I'm sure Dad mentioned her past. I'm just making sure she doesn't end up back there."

"Makes sense." She bites the candy. "No need to be so defensive."

I let her words linger for a minute, eyes fixed on the TV. I really should cut this conversation short, I hate having my baby sister see me so vulnerable. But I feel like I’m slowly losing my mind and talking about things relieves some of the weight off my chest.

"I guess I'm defensive because I can't stop watching the tracker. I'm not sleeping or eating. I just stare at this red dot, wondering what she's doing. If she's okay."

"That's tough, I'm sorry, Max. And deleting it puts her at risk, doesn't it?"

She pauses.

"Could you set it up on my phone instead? I'll tell you if anything changes, save you from fixating."

I sigh. "Good idea, but this isn't exactly legal software. Can't download it from the Apple store."

"Oh."

"There are similar apps, but our tech guy made this for... reasons. "

"Yeah, I get it." She hugs her knees. "Why not give me your phone? Just for tonight? Not having the option to look for a few hours might help you feel like yourself again."

I rub my thumb across my phone. I'll feel naked without it, but she might be right.

I tentatively hand it over, and she pockets it. "Now." She smiles. "I have an idea to get this off your mind."

"Does it involve alcohol?" I groan.

"Yes!"

"Fine." I throw my head back as she hurries to the kitchen. She's worn me down, but dulling myself might help. Still, I worry about encouraging her. I try remembering if I drank this much at her age, but Jack's situation turned me off alcohol, making it hard to compare.

I hear dishes clattering, then a blender roars. What have I agreed to?

***

"Thanks, Sof. I don't have the energy to look after her tonight," I say as Bianca hangs off me.

"Of course." Sofia takes Bianca and guides her outside. Whatever she made in the kitchen was more rum than mixer. I only drank half of what she gave me, so naturally, she finished the rest of the pitcher.

"No problem. Feeling any better?" Sofia asks .

"A bit."

Bianca breaks free from Sofia's grip, takes a few steps, and falls into the grass. Sofia watches her drop, then shrugs. "That's fine. I wanted to talk to you, anyway."

"Yeah?"

"When's the last time you visited Jack?"

I groan and rub my temple. "We have to talk about this now?"

"He was kind of upset when I visited him today. Said it's been almost a year."

"I've called him..."

She rolls her eyes.

"You know damn well it's hard for me to go there. I put him in that fucking place."

"He was the one behind the wheel, Max. And he doesn't harbor any resentment toward you. Not anymore. He literally asked me to tell you that."

"Well, I still harbor resentment toward myself. So anytime I go there, I feel like shit."

"He misses you."

"Sofia! For fuck's sake. You couldn't have waited a week or two to tell me this?

I'm still raw after everything that's happened with Hailey.

" I'm surprised by this surge of anger through my low energy.

"You can't fix and nitpick and control everything imaginable, Sofia.

Especially not other people's relationships.

Not everything can be a perfect little storybook.

Sometimes, life sucks and all you can do is wait for it to get better. "

"Enough!" She points her finger at me. "I'm just trying to help you. I figured talking to Jack would cheer you up. He's worried about you. But fine. Suffer." She gestures behind me toward what I assume is my mess of a house. "Do nothing. That's clearly working out great for you."

I hear Bianca gag where she's lying, then vomit into the grass. Still unconscious.

I step back, hands up in surrender. I feel like I'm losing my mind with all my siblings' poor attempts at consoling me. "I can't fucking handle this." My voice cracks as I slam the door. "I'm sorry."

Sofia mutters a string of curses as she drags Bianca away from my property. I collapse on the couch, feeling alienated.

Wishing Hailey was here.

I reach for my pocket, realizing I haven't checked her location in so long, when I remember Bianca has my phone.

"Damn it!" I look toward the door, considering running after them. But I've already made too much of an ass of myself.

I lie down, suddenly exhausted from lack of proper sleep. I drift off before I realize it, planning to check on her first thing tomorrow morning.