Page 52 of Sam & Justin
“Do you need to talk about it?”
“Not sure how much I can. Confidentiality and all that,” I told him. Maybe that was another reason things were fizzling out between us. My job meant I had to keep too many secrets. Tim had hated it, me not being able to tell him what was eating me like I was Gilbert Grape. “I just—I should have picked up on what was wrong with him, Justin. I should’ve realized he wasusing drugs.” My voice cracked, and I hated the way I sounded weak. “I didn’t though. I didn’t, and now he’s in the hospital.”
Justin and I talked for a few minutes longer, but then his boss came into his office, and he had to get off the phone. I felt a little lighter talking to him. That lasted all of three minutes, before the things my client’s mom said to me weighed me right back down. It was like an iron weight tied to the bottom of my shoe, and I couldn’t get rid of it all day.
I was exhausted by the time my day was over. It hadn’t gotten any better, and Justin hadn’t responded to any more of my texts throughout the day. I guess he got busy again, and that meant that I was stuck with my dark thoughts on my own. I wasn’t looking forward to going home to my empty apartment where they could join me on the couch without any distractions.
But Axel had plans with some guy he’d met on an app the week before, and I was left to my own devices. (I knew he would’ve canceled if I’d told him what was going on, but I also knew he was excited to explore that part of himself. I didn’t want to be the reason he put it off longer than he already had.)
I thought about stopping by the Rusty Nail and drowning my sorrows, but I didn’t think that would be a good look. One of my clients overdoses, and I get drunk? What kind of an examplewould that be setting to any of my clients, if they happened to see me stumbling out to a ride share after? There was a good chance they already knew about the kid that overdosed. At least three of my clients were his age, and King’s Bay only had two high schools. Hell, some of them might have even been at the party where he’d taken the drugs.
I just drove home.
Maybe I’d turn off my phone, curl up with a book. No, I knew I wasn’t going to be doing that. Turning off my phone meant that if Justin wanted to call me, he wouldn’t be able to get through. Not to mention, if something went wrong on Axel’s date, he might need me. Maybe I’d just turn it on Do Not Disturb and only let him and Axel through.
I made it home and parked. As soon as I got inside, I collapsed on the couch. My thoughts threatened to crush me. I kept thinking about the things I missed. I should’ve seen his erratic behavior. I should’ve noticed the up and down of his attitude. I should’ve listened better when he was talking about the parties he was going to. There were a thousand things I probably should’ve put together. Maybe I could have prevented this from happening.
Maybe if I’d paid just a little more attention, my client wouldn’t be lying in a hospital bed. Maybe his mom wouldn’t have spent the weekend at the hospital, wondering if her son would live or die.
There was an unfamiliar burning behind my eyes. I didn’t remember the last time I felt that, like I was about to start crying,but there it was. I knew I was supposed to leave things like this at the office, but I couldn’t. It was the one part about being a therapist that I could never manage.
I heard a knock on the door just as the first tear fell down my cheek. I wiped it away with the back of my hand. “Just a moment,” I called out.
I didn’t know who the hell was knocking, but I wished they weren’t. I wasn’t much in the mood for company, but I also wasn’t in the mood to let someone else down. I forced myself off the couch, took a deep breath, and opened the door.
Justin’s arms were around me, pulling me into a tight hug, before I even registered that he was there. The dam broke. I started crying into his shoulder, letting out all the guilt and toxicity that had been building inside me all day. He just held me closer, stroking the back of my head, whispering that it was going to be okay. For the first time all day, I believed it.
I don’t know how long we stood in my doorway with me blubbering on him like an overgrown baby, but I felt better after. He led me to the couch when I was all cried out. We settled down together, his strong arms wrapped around me. I felt safe, like nothing could touch me, so long as I was in his arms. But I didn’t know why he was there. I looked back at him, over my shoulder. “What are you doing here?”
“You sounded awful over the phone,” he explained. “I told Rachel you were having a hard day, and that I needed to take the rest of the day and tomorrow.”
I knew how important his job was to him. To hear that he’d taken the rest of the day off and all of the next day? I couldn’t remember the last time anyone had done something like that for me. Now that I was thinking of it, I wasn’t sure a partner had ever put me first that way.
I felt a warmth brewing in my chest, spreading outward to the tips of my fingers and toes. All the doubts I’d had that he was getting tired of the way things were between us were fading away with every passing second. Because you didn’t drive hours because someone you were getting tired of was having a bad day. You didn’t leave work for something like that either.
No, you did that for someone you cared about.
“You came all this way because I had a bad day?”
“Sam, baby,” he muttered as he tightened his grip on my waist, pulling me closer to him. It almost felt like he was trying to merge our bodies into one. “I’ve talked to you after bad days. You never sounded like that before.”
“I’m scared,” I confessed. “I’m scared that I missed something, and that if anything happens to that kid…”
“It won’t be your fault.”
“I should have noticed the signs.” I felt the pressure of his lips on the back of my head. “His mom… She was so scared, Justin. Fuck. I don’t know what to do.”
“It’s one client.”
“She told me that she blames me. That she’s going to tell everyone she knows not to send their kids to me, because I almost killed her kid.” My voice broke, and the tears started welling in my eyes again. “I’m supposed tohelpthe kids that come to me. I’m supposed to help them.” And then I was crying.
Justin didn’t say anything. He just let me cry it out. And later, when I started crying a third time when we were talking through everything, he let me cry it out again. By the time I was done crying that third time, I was physically and mentally exhausted. The only thing holding me up and holding me together was Justin’s strong arms. He turned on our show as a distraction, and after an episode, he got me thinking about dinner.
I didn’t want to cook, and I didn’t want him to get up and leave me long enough to find food. So, we ordered pizza from Pie in the Sky.
After we ate, I felt a lot better. The dark cloud over my head had parted, but that heaviness was still there. “Let’s get you in the shower,” Justin said after a few episodes.
“Come with me?”