Page 20

Zoriah

The world is wobbly, and my mind is finally quiet.

I am unable to stand up at this point, but I don’t want to anymore.

I do kind of have to pee, though. I should try and do that soon.

Something tells me that Roman is going to be angry at me.

If I get up and fall, he might be madder if I bleed all over his floor.

It wouldn’t be the first time I left weird fluids in this room.

At least they would be my fluids this time .

I hear the bathroom door open, and I close my eyes. I’m not ready to be yelled at just yet. Maybe if I pretend that I’m asleep, he will go away and let me die of alcohol poisoning. The bottle is taken from me suddenly, and I frown deeply. When I open my eyes, I see that it’s Dad.

“Can’t resist, huh?” I slur. “That was m-mean. I’m sorry.”

“How do you feel?” Dad asks as he squats down in front of me.

“Drunk. You?” I ask with a giggle. “You look mad. Don’t be mad. Get happy... Erm… glad. Whatever. You remember that commercial? I like the Meow Mix one the most.”

“If you start meowing, I’m putting you in a cold shower,” he warns.

“Oooo. Touchy. Am I grounded?” I say mockingly.

“Alright. That’s enough. Stand up,” he says as he stands up and grabs my hands. When he pulls me up, I slip and fall back on my butt, making myself cackle. “Zoriah Caroline. Get off of the floor.”

“Damn, son! Chill your pants,” I laugh and get up to my knees so I can grab hold of the counter. “Wooo. The room is spinning. It should stop doing that.”

“Come on,” he says.

“Wait,” I giggle. “I have to pee.”

“Jesus fucking Christ, child. Fine. Go pee,” he sighs.

“You gonna watch me?” I ask, not able to keep myself from giggling again.

“Would you rather I wait so we can pick your drunk ass up off the floor after you fall over?” he asks.

“That would hurt,” I giggle.

“Go pee, Zoriah.”

“Where is Roman? He is more fun when he’s mad,” I frown, but listen and back up a bit. When I try to pull my shorts down, Dad catches me before I fall.

“I’ll help,” Corbin says.

“Oh, good. His clone is here to be mad too,” I mutter as they help me get my shorts down. “You wanna watch me pee too, big brother?”

“Shut the fuck up and sit,” Corbin deadpans. I stick my tongue out at him before sitting but nearly fall again. I put my elbows on my knees and rest my face in my palms as I pee.

“You feel okay?” Corbin asks.

“Mhmm. Just woozy,” I say. I sigh and finish up before pulling myself up to stand. Dad helps me get my shorts back on before they help me out of the bathroom and to the bed.

“Damn, she’s more of a brat when she’s drunk. I figured she’d cry,” Ben says.

“Oh. Bite me, Kudzu,” I slur, making Roman laugh.

“Hi,” Roman says as he helps me clean up.

“Hi. Are you gonna be a dickwad too?” I ask. Roman helps me stand, and everyone is looking at me like they’re waiting for me to fall over.

“Look at me,” Dad says as he moves to stand in front of me.

“Will you go away?” I ask him. “You have no fucking room to get upset at me, so fuck off.”

“That make you feel better?” he asks.

“You were drunk for my entire goddamn childhood. Unless you want to fucking apologize for being wasted every single fucking time I needed you, then go away,” I snap at him.

“Ever stop to ask yourself why I was drunk?” Dad asks calmly.

“Because you didn’t give a fuck about me? About us? You missed Corbin’s fucking high school graduation because you were too drunk to get your ass off the couch,” I yell at him. “Does it even fucking matter?”

“Yes, it matters, Zoriah. Why? Why did I drink?”

“Because you lost Mom instead of me,” I scream at him. “You wanted her, but you were fucking stuck with a useless fucking kid who never slept through the goddamn night because she was too afraid of the shadows. Maybe because I look like her, but again, you were fucking stuck with me.”

“Zoriah,” Dad says gently. “I was never stuck with you, baby girl. Is that what you really think?”

“I should have died that night, not her,” I say as my lip quivers. “You never should have lost her. They were there for me.”

“Why?” he asks. “Why were you supposed to die?”

“It doesn’t matter,” I say as tears roll down my cheeks. “You wouldn’t get it.”

“Try me.”

“Just move. I want to go… somewhere else,” I mutter and try to push past him.

Roman is standing now, and somehow Ben is behind me too.

Corbin closes in also, and now I’m surrounded.

I feel safe, but it pisses me off, so I shove Dad away.

He doesn’t move, and it makes me angrier.

Roman instantly grabs my arms and pulls them behind my back when I go to push him again.

“Let go of me!” I scream at Roman. He ignores me and holds onto me. “Goddamn it!”

“Will you stop acting like a child for ten fucking seconds?” Dad snaps at me. “I get you are hurting but is this necessary?”

“You don’t fucking understand. None of you fucking understand,” I yell louder. Dad nods to Roman, and the second he lets go of me, I try to push Dad again. This time, he grabs my wrists, and emotion slams down on me.

“You think I don't understand why you are hiding behind a goddamn bottle, Zoriah. Really?” Dad asks. “Look at me.”

“Fuck you,” I seethe. “You weren’t there. You don’t know what he did to me over and over and over again. You don’t have her screams trapped in your goddamn head.”

“No, I have your screams trapped in my head,” he screams at me.

“Do you know what it’s like to be on the phone an hour away listening to your six-year-old daughter scream for her daddy at the top of her lungs?

Do you know what it’s like to want so badly to go through a goddamn phone, but instead you are stuck hearing a man rape your little girl?

Hearing every goddamn movement he made? Every scream.

Every plea for help. Have you ever sat there and listened to your wife beg someone to stop hurting her baby all while she is getting raped too?

Zoriah, I may not have been in the room, but I listened to every goddamn second of it.

It’s played in my head for nineteen goddamn years.

I hear that fucking gunshot… your screams…

every time I close my eyes. I remember being so fucking afraid of the silence but still too fucking far away to save you.

To save her. Do not sit there and tell me I don’t understand why you are drinking because I’ve been where you are.

I was fucking stuck there, and I am not going to stand here and let you make the mistake I did.

Be mad at me all you want. Take all of your anger out on me if it means you never touch that goddamn bottle again…

I missed nineteen fucking years of my children’s lives trying to drown the memories.

All I wanted was to go one fucking day without hearing your screams, but every time I looked at you and your brother, I was reminded that I couldn’t save you. ”

“He was going to shoot me,” I say, nearly sobbing.

“What?” Dad asks.

“Richard. When he got up… Before Mom got to me… He pointed a gun at my face… She wasn’t supposed to be the one who died… She saved me by throwing her body over mine. I couldn’t figure out why, but… They only left because they thought they killed me too. Doug was mad that he killed Mom.”

“Oh, Zoriah,” Dad says softly. When he wraps me in a hug, the floodgates open, and nineteen years’ worth of pain pours out.

“She held my hand while he raped me,” I cry into his chest. “She got close enough to hold my hand.”

“Look at me, baby girl,” he says as he lifts my chin.

“I’m sorry, Daddy,” I cry.

“It’s okay,” he smiles and wipes tears from my cheek.

“Zoriah, I know you just want your mind to stop playing the same things on repeat. You’re trying to make the sounds go away, but they will never go away, baby.

No matter how fast we run from our demons, they will always be behind us.

Eventually, we have to stop running and make friends with them.

It’s hard and the scariest thing you’ll ever have to do, but you will get through this.

You will find a way to live with your demons, and eventually, you will be able to navigate life without being overwhelmed by them. ”

“Why me?” I ask tearfully. “Why did he have to keep hurting me?”

“What do you mean?” Corbin asks.

“Richard. He, uh… He always made gross comments about me growing up. He was always touching me and telling me my body made men happy. He would mention the birthmark on my inner thigh and the scar on my hip,” I say.

“When I took that road trip after graduation with Haley, he made me blow him while Haley was asleep in the back. When I was taken a few weeks ago, Richard made a comment that God had been calling him to me again since he first met me. Doug said he was doing good being patient until I was ready for them again.”

“So, Richard shot Mom?” Corbin says.

“Yeah,” I sniff and pull back to wipe my face. “I suddenly feel way more sober than I want to be.”

“Just wait until you find out how much that bottle of whiskey was,” Ben chuckles. “That’ll sober you up.”

“Roman, I’m sorry,” I turn to him and say. I am still incredibly unsteady, so he puts his hands on my waist to keep me from falling. “I’ll pay you back for it.”

“It’s okay,” he smiles.

“Really. I will,” I say.

“Mi amor, you drank a fifty-thousand-dollar bottle of whiskey,” he laughs.

“Oh… I don’t have that,” I say. “I’ll blow you for it. Deal?”

“Alright,” Dad says.

“I mean… It’s a good trade-off considering,” Corbin shrugs.

“Sounds like a good way to make her puke,” Dad says.

“Careful. He might like that,” I say but giggle when Roman shakes his head at me. “What?”

“Get your drunk ass to bed,” Ben laughs.

“Care to hang out a minute?” Roman asks.

“Yeah,” Ben says.

“Drink some water and go to sleep, okay?” Dad says, hugging me.

“Okay,” I sigh.

“Night, Sis,” Corbin says as he hugs me next.

“Night.”

When they leave the room, I flop down across the bed. “You good?” Roman asks.

“I’m hot, and my clothes are going to burst into flames,” I mutter.

“Hold on,” he laughs. One of them turns the ceiling fan on, and the other sits me up to help me get my shirt off.

“Hey. It’s Kudzu,” I smile at Ben when I open my eyes.

“I’ll give you a pass tonight,” he smirks and pulls off my sports bra. Roman moves onto the bed to pull my hair up into a bun before they lay me down.

“Why is it so hot?” I ask as I get my shorts off. Ben and Roman just chuckle and shake their heads at me. I toss my shorts but burst out laughing when they hit Ben in the face.

“You are a silly little drunk,” Ben says as he scoops me up and lays me in the middle of the bed. Roman covers me up to my breasts, and they both move back and pull their shirts off.

“Am I too drunk to consent to all of that ?” I say as I wave my hand in their direction.

“Far too drunk to consent,” Roman says. “Think of this as your punishment for trying to drown your problems instead of talking to us.”

“Wha… Oh, golly,” I say with wide eyes when they both get completely undressed.

“Golly?” Ben asks.

“Mhmm. That is code for ‘you two are sexy as fuck and I want you inside of me’,” I say. “But I’m being punished.”

“Yes, you are,” Ben smirks as he moves over to lay beside me.

“Noooo. Not a naked sandwich,” I groan, dramatically drawing my words out when they both roll to face me and move in close. “That’s mean. You’re teasing me.”

“I notice you are including Ben in your remarks about wanting sex,” Roman says.

“Mhmm,” I smile. “Is that cheating? You mentioned him in the ‘who can touch me’ statement.”

“No,” he laughs. “He kind of weaseled his way into things.”

“He can weasel his way into me,” I cackle.

“Perv. I mean, I wasn’t completely planning on sharing you with him, but I can’t deny him. Can you?”

“Oh… No. I wouldn’t deny him. I kinda feel like a whore, though… for wanting three men to fuck me half to death, but… I have three holes. You’ll figure it out.”

“Why do you feel like a whore?” Ben asks.

“Well… mostly I just feel like getting train raped by fifty people made me want a lot of things consensually.”

“Fifty?” Roman asks.

“Haley makes fifty. She finger-raped me,” I say. “Well… she also ate me out… That was weird and traumatic. I don’t like her.”

“We can talk about this when you are sober,” Roman says.

“Why not now?” I ask. “It’s not much to talk about. I gave you consent to throat-fuck me anytime you want. You want to include Ben in our relationship so that consent is extended to him. When we find Huxley, he will get consent for whatever you two have.”

“You are a weird drunk,” Ben says. “So open.”

“I can show you open, Ben. If you want,” I giggle.

“Maybe later, Marigold,” he laughs and kisses my neck.

“I just want you three to tell me what to do, keep me safe, and fuck the shit out of me… when I’m ready. I don’t think I’m ready for penis party time,” I mumble.

“When you are sober… we can discuss it more,” Roman says again with a smirk. “We need to see if you remember this tomorrow.”

“I’ll remember the two giant dicks pressed against me,” I say as I close my eyes. I wiggle my ass and giggle when Ben groans.

“Go to sleep before I fuck you sober, little girl,” Ben growls in my ear.

“Promise?” I ask innocently.

“He definitely means it,” Roman laughs and pulls my hips against him before I can tease Ben again.

“Okay. Okay,” I say. “I’ll go to sleep.”

“Good night,” Roman says, kissing me softly.

“Night,” Ben says, kissing my neck again.

“Night,” I mumble. “I love you guys… both of you.”

“We love you too. Go to sleep,” Roman says.