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“Yes, ma’am. The gate will be locked, and the alarms will be set. If it goes off or if you are in any way afraid, go to the safe room in my office. It will notify Ben and I if it’s opened, so don’t panic if you forget your phone. Just shut the door and I can lock it from my phone. Okay?”

“I have a weird request,” I say.

“What’s that?”

“Can I… just hang out in there with the door open? If something happens, I can just shut the door. The house cameras are in there, so I’ll know if something is wrong,” I explain.

“That would be fine,” he smiles. “I don’t want you holding up in there all the time though. It’s not healthy, and it will only feed into your desire to lock yourself away. Okay?”

“Yes, sir,” I say sweetly. I immediately freak myself out, but he catches me before I can panic. “I don’t know why I said that. I’m…”

“Shhh,” he says softly as he holds my face. “Is it comforting for you to call me sir?”

“Yes,” I admit.

“Then I would be honored to hear it from you,” he says. “You can be respectful and obedient but independent all at once. Giving me control doesn’t make you weak. Understand?”

“I do. I just… I feel like allowing things like calling you sir… the brutal throat fucking… not having a way out… I’m afraid by allowing it with you, it means that I asked for it with the cult. I feel broken,” I admit.

“You are not broken, but I do understand why you think that,” he says.

“Take the day to really reflect on all of this. Find out what you want, but do not consider how it makes you look. Just figure out what Zoriah wants. No one else matters when considering consent… I will say that there is absolutely nothing you could say or do that would justify what they did to you. Just because you give yourself to me doesn’t mean you wanted to be hurt by them. ”

“Okay,” I sniff. “I’ll try to write my thoughts out. It will make it easier to explain.”

“That would be perfect,” he smiles. “Go get some rest, because I know you’ve been staying up all night, and eat when you wake.”

“How did you know?” I ask.

“Because we have cameras,” he says. “Ben has caught you for three nights in a row with your reading light on.”

“Oh,” I say. “I just felt bad that I was keeping you up.”

“By not sleeping, you are keeping Ben awake,” he says bluntly. “He has sat up for three nights in a row to keep an eye on you.”

“What? Why?” I ask.

“Because you are depressed, mi amor. We want to keep you safe, and if you are not sleeping, you very well could make rash decisions like harming yourself or leaving the house,” he explains.

“Oh,” I say quietly. I turn to Ben, but before I can apologize, he puts his hand over my mouth.

“Zoriah, I care a lot about you. Do not apologize for how you cope. All we are asking is that you talk to us,” Ben says as he drops his hand.

“Yes, sir,” I say. “Fuck, why do I keep saying that?”

Ben grabs my chin and tips my head back so he can lean in. He is nose-to-nose with me now, and my breath catches. “Respect is not wrong, Marigold.”

“Did you just call me a flower?” I ask, confused.

“Yes,” Ben laughs. “A marigold represents stubbornness and determination. You are a stubborn little brat; you have never stopped fighting for your own stability. If I have your trust, it’s because I earned it. So… Marigold.”

“Can I call you Kudzu, since you are stubborn and impossible to get rid of?” I ask sweetly.

“Sure,” he says with a grin. “If you want me to put you over my knee and spank that pretty little ass of yours bright red.”

“Down, boy,” Roman laughs. “You need consent for that.”

“I… have a lot to reflect on,” I laugh as my face heats with a blush.

A scream rips from my throat, and I throw myself out of bed.

I am wobbly, but alone. I calm down and realize I am drenched in sweat.

Fuck, I hate nightmares. I can’t get Richard’s face out of my head.

The more I have that stupid dream, the more it solidifies that he is the one who raped my mom and me before killing her.

I think Doug is the other man who was hurting Mom, but he wasn’t as close as Richard was.

I remember his smell the most. Fuck, and that disgusting grunt as he came or his laugh when he mocked me.

I go to the bathroom and splash cold water on my face before changing into new pajamas. When I pick my phone up, I have a few messages from Ben and Roman.

Roman

Have a wonderful day, mi amor. Call if you need anything at all, and we will come home.

Ben

There are leftovers in the fridge if you get hungry. You haven’t eaten much lately.

Roman

Going into the meeting. Ben is still available.

I sigh when I see it’s three in the afternoon.

I slept all fucking day, and I hate it. I don’t feel rested; I feel useless.

I shouldn’t have taken the day off. I should be at work in that meeting.

Now, Roman is going to have his notes messed up because he cannot take notes and lead a meeting.

Why in the fuck did I think this was a good idea? Oh… right… to reflect alone.

I go down to the kitchen with the goal of making something to eat, but I am still angry at everything.

I am sad, lonely, and scared. I haven’t been alone in so long that every little noise is freaking me out.

The longer I sit here at the kitchen island, the more the memories of his grunts play in my mind.

I feel like I am going insane. It’s so fucking loud, and I can’t make it stop.

Everything is seeping in, little by little, and I’m fucking drowning in the memories.

I go to the cabinet and grab the first bottle I see.

Whiskey will do just fine. I need my mind to shut up.

I need peace, but I can’t find it. Maybe it’s at the bottom of the bottle?

I can still hear Mom’s screams as she tried to crawl to me.

She got just close enough to hold my hand while I was being held down.

I sobbed and screamed for her. For my daddy.

For my big brother. I pleaded to God at six years old to make the bad man get off of me.

I reached out and took her hand, and we cried together as they stole from us.

My body remembers every second of that pain.

I remember every tear that Mom cried, desperately trying to get to me.

To save me. She was dragged further away from me, but when the man’s grunts stopped and he got up, she suddenly got free.

She completely covered my body, and I still don’t know what made her do that.

She saw something in David that made her lie on top of me to protect me from him.

When the shot went off, I knew. I knew she was gone.

I knew he took her from me, but I was convinced I could go with her.

I remember just closing my eyes, waiting for us to be taken away to somewhere better.

I didn’t know what death was, but I learned in that moment that it is forever.

I knew that wherever she went, I wanted to go with her.

I can still feel the weight of her body on top of mine, but I know it’s not real.

I know this heavy feeling is the alcohol. It’s so goddamn comforting, though.

I am vaguely aware of my surroundings. I think I am in the master bathroom.

I must be, because I am holding Roman’s shirt.

I press it to my nose and take a long, deep breath, inhaling his scent.

It’s definitely his shirt. I have a mostly empty bottle in one hand and his shirt in the other.

I don’t want to set either down, so I slowly try to get off the floor.

The world spins, and I fall back on my ass, making me laugh.

“Well, I guess I’ll sit here,” I slur to myself with a giggle.