Page 90 of Ryder: Shadows and Desires

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I don’t sleep that night.

How can I?

Sleeping while knowing Julie is in her room, defeated and upset, actually breaks my heart. My ego tells me it’ll be alright, because I’m Joey Ryder, and I have leverage.

Then the other part of my ego, the bruised side, reminds me that this is all my fault because I have a shitty ex like Heather. Because Julie is hurting when Idohave leverage, but I don’t fucking know what to do with it. What do I tell Andrew? To go suck a dick?

I can’t just approach Andrew howIwould, because it deals with Julie, too. But I can’t be idle—she’s feeling like crap because of something connected to me.

Over the entire morning, I can only think about how to fix this or how to talk to Andrew, man to man.

There’s always the chance that crazy pants doesn’t send the messages, but does that even matter? I know I’m not backing out with Jules, which means I have to figure this out one way or another.

But what if I overstep? What if I say something that makes it worse with Andrew?

I fucking hate dealing with these problems. It’s why I punch people for a living.

Julie is quiet and keeps to herself all morning. It doesn’t feel vindictive, more like she is stuck in her own head.

And I hate it.

I even notice that she buys one of those neck things at the airport to make it easier for her to sleep on the plane. Which just pisses me off because we are sitting next to each other, and she could have just used my shoulder.

As we sit on the plane, her silence ignites the competitive side in me.

I’ll pull extreme measures to get this rectified, if I have to.

It seems excessive for someone I’ve only known for two months and haven’t even officially fucked, but it’s the way I am when I want something. And it pisses me off that Andrew seriously thinks he’ll get involved in my personal life like this.

No onehas that kind of control over my decisions.

I lean over as we sit on the plane and ask, “You okay?”

She sighs and quietly says, “No, but I will be. I just have to find a way to deal with it. Thanks for asking, though. It’ll work itself out.”

I fucking hate this change in our dynamic. A night ago, she was whimpering with my face deep in her pussy, and now she won’t even look at me.

But I don’t want to be pushy.

So, I lean back and just sit in my festering mind.

J U L I E

* * *

Andrew’s home reminds me I am at the man’s mercy. He housed me when I was destitute. Took care of managing the fighters when Jeremy died. I can challenge him, sure, but I hate the guilt that’s growing in the pit of my stomach.

Of course, I thought of every way to ask him for a real reprieve or insist that Ryder and I can be extra cautious. But one way or another, I know he’s going to ask for the gym name or for me to back off of Ryder.

It was honestly naïve of me to think I could just stumble upon a solution while in the middle of fucking our champion.

But evenhetook the same risks.

Surely that has to count for something? Then again, I don’t even think he knows my middle name, so how can I request him for backup?

I’m stuck between what I want, what I need, and what’s best for me.