Page 10 of Ryder: Shadows and Desires

I stare at the stagnant picture of Jeremy until my lips twitch, then lower my gaze to his untouched plate.

Why can’t he just be here? Why do I have to be limited to this photograph? How come life works this way?

“Well, bro, I hate that you’re not here,” I say, speaking over the pattering rain.

With a slow, shaky inhale, I palm my wet eyes. I know I’m talking to a photograph, but it’s the best I have. “You did it, man. I really don’t like Andrew, but I give it to you”—I laugh through the tears and minor hiccup, forking some of the food as I point it at his face “—you nailed it when you saw him. He’s attracted Joey-freaking-Ryder, and now he’s going to fight forRhino. I know Andrew is going to ask to change the name of the gym again, but screw him. I won’t let him. Not with Warlord coming up. He can do it after, not before. I’m going to make damn sure that your name gets out there, you hear? I’ll do this for you, Jer. I know how much that name meant to you.”

The words “I love you,” creep in my throat, but all that comes out is an ugly cry. The rain picks up around me.

I stare out into the park, openly sobbing.

Even in public, I’m completely alone.

This place used to be our favorite park when we first moved here, reminding us of home. We risked a lot by moving to Connellsville, knowing not a single soul in this town.

But we knew each other, so that counted, right?

Turns out that was a load of shit.

No one understands what this park means to me. Not even Mom or Dad.

A part of me still mourns Jeremy, not completely accepting that he’s gone. Ryder is too iconic of a fighter for Jeremy to miss out on, like this is all a wicked, twisted joke, paying me back for a past life that I must have been horrible in.

As I eat my cake, I cry harder, unable to stomach any more.

I’ll never get to make this for him again.

I want my brother back so badly that my bones ache. We were as thick as thieves. Now, he’ll never see me married, even after all those years of helping me with dating. I’ll get no nieces or nephews. If I everdoget married and have kids, they’ll have no uncle.At least no Uncle Jer.

I wipe my nose and hiccup.

“I can do this. I can fight through all of this. I owe it to you, Jer.” I look at his photo. “I haven’t had a fucking clue what to do with the gym for the last six months, but I can put up with Ryder for you. I’ll make damn sure this happens.”

* * *

That following Tuesday, I’m in the break room picking parts of my sandwich out of my teeth. I stare at my phone, wondering if Tiff is ignoring me. I texted her a while ago…

Tiffany was Jeremy’s girlfriend, and I re-read the message I sent this morning:

Julie 10:12AM: Hey, Tiff... haven’t seen you in a while, but just had to share that Joey Ryder is now at the gym.

She hasn’t replied back.

It hurts that she left when Jeremy did, she and I having grown immensely close.

She’s as distant as my mother now.

After lunch, I park my butt in my office to brew some afternoon coffee. A year ago, Jeremy surprised me with a coffeemaker, grinder, and fresh beans.

I always say that there are worse addictions—

My phone vibrates.

Tiffany 1:29PM: Holy shit, are you serious?

I try to shake the emotions out of me when I see her name. It would be nice as hell to get back in touch with her.

Julie 1:30PM: Yeah! Jeremy would lose his mind, right?