Page 50 of Royally Drawn (Resplendent Royals #3)

Disappointment

KEIR

“ W ell, when you figure it out, let me know,” Ingrid said before fleeing the drawing room.

I stared after her, puzzled. The night began so well. We were delighted—dancing, joking, laughing. Then, it all turned. She was so sad. I broke her heart with sort-of promises. And to be true to myself, I couldn’t promise her what she wanted. I couldn’t pretend I could ever give her this fairytale where I came home every night to tuck our adorable babies into bed.

I couldn’t understand why she wanted it for the life of me. She was an athlete, brave beyond measure, and clever. She wasn’t the type of girl to wait at home. Thus, why did she care about being “legitimated”? And what did that mean? Why was she so focused on codifying all of it?

We did not want to be too focused on exclusivity at the onset. It was as if my saying I love you created a great panic in which now we needed to meet the criteria to stay genuinely “together.”

I couldn’t handle it. I defaulted as I always did. I ran. She sobbed in the bed as I packed my things. I knew all I would do if I stayed was disappoint her and everyone else she loved. So, I fled. I chartered a flight home sooner than planned and returned to London to lay low. I told myself this was for the best. I’d be off on duty in thirty-six hours, so all I had to do was keep my head down.

Unfortunately, the next day, I had a visitor who wasn’t taking my bullshit.

I woke to an angry voice.

“Keir Robert, get up!”

My aunt stood over me, arms crossed.

“Auntie Nat, I just want to sleep.”

“You’ve slept for a day and embarrassed the entirety of Britain with whatever shenanigans you pulled, so get your arse up. We need to have a chat!”

“Fine, fine,” I grumbled. Debating her was foolhardy.

She hung over me still.

“I’m only wearing pants,” I protested. “Let me at least put clothes on.”

“I used to change your nappies. I promise you that in the time it takes you to get a damn dressing gown on, I won’t be scandalised. I am more concerned you will pull another runner.”

I groaned, walking over to where my dressing gown was hung on the bathroom door.

“You know, Alexandra is cross—very cross—but Rick would like to string you up by your testicles,” Aunt Natalie said.

“I did what was best for Ingrid.”

“Shattering that pretty little thing’s heart was not best. I can assure you.”

“She will find someone else in a minute,” I said. “She’s perfect.”

“And yet, not good enough for you to treat her with even a modicum of respect?”

I stared at my aunt, confused.

“I didn’t disrespect her. I let her go.”

“I thought you loved her? I thought she was different?”

“I am leaving to get shot at for six months. She wanted me to promise I’d not leave again when I returned. She was being silly—young perhaps—and I don’t have time to promise people things I cannot guarantee. ”

“Keir, you can always retire or go to desk work. If you love her?—”

“I do! God, why does everyone assume that I do not love her just because I’m not racing to marry her or go public? Do you not understand that I am miserable without her? That I hate myself for this but know it is for the best?”

“She gave you an ultimatum about marriage?”

“Not quite. She said she couldn’t stay with me if I weren’t interested in marriage and children.”

“That’s fair,” my aunt said. And I would say it’s normal for a woman in her twenties to say.”

“Well, I couldn’t promise that for certain.”

“Keir, you will get married and have children someday. Why is it that all of you boys live in some fairytale where you get to shag as many people as you want forever without ever having to consider your actions? You do need to settle down someday. Life will pass you by otherwise.”

“People can have long, beautiful lives without children,” I said.

“They can. I thought I would have to make that for myself,” my aunt admitted. “I had Uncle Ed, and that was enough. It really would have been, I think. But that wasn’t my choice . We wanted a baby. Or, rather, I needed to have children, and your uncle was broody.”

“He was the broody one?”

Aunt Natalie nodded. “Oh, for sure. I told him I needed a few years but would give him children. I just wanted a bit more time to keep flying and living. And for me, that wasn’t very easy. You cannot be a fast jet pilot if you think you might be pregnant. I was pregnant with Duncan and didn’t know until I got GLOC on a training run. If I were flying alone, we both could have died. But I was told we never would have a baby. So, I took great pride in helping you all. I love you all in a way I don’t think most aunts ever get to. You all are my pride and joy, too. But damn it, Keir, I had to be brave and commit to Edwin. It took a lot of trying to fight it to realise I needed to slow down to die happy.”

“And what if I think being so tied down is bad?”

“Is that because you fear commitment, or is it because you are afraid if you love someone, they will abandon you? That you will lose them? ”

Her words cut like a knife—harsh but true. I couldn’t focus. I reeled.

“I…. I don’t…”

“Keir, you lost your father at a tender age. But you must remember that Ingrid grew up with no one apart from her sisters. And she somehow formed this attachment to you and trusted you. Now, all you’ve taught her is that people always leave. And for you? You’ve once more supported your stupid theory that you’re incapable of being a good partner.”

“That’s not true.”

“Alexandra says Ingrid is convinced she’s unlovable. And I think, sadly, you’re convinced of the same.”

My aunt was tender now. She understood something no one else did.

“Your father wouldn’t like this. He’d love Ingrid. They are so very similar in many ways.”

She was right.

“Ingrid has the biggest heart,” I sighed. “She lives to live, and she’s stupidly brave.”

“Yes. It’s a little wild, but in a good way. She loves her family hard. But so do you. And I thought for a moment I saw a glimmer of you opening up.”

“I am not strong enough to survive. When Alexandra was sick… I lost it. You weren’t there. Ingrid was frightened, but all I could think about was losing her. I couldn’t even support her in that moment. Faced with a choice between staying with my wife or going with the baby—like Rick was—I couldn’t imagine seeing my child. I wouldn’t want to. Ingrid was that child. And I realised I wouldn’t be capable of loving a child, so I shouldn’t have one.”

“Are you done with your ridiculous mental gymnastics now? Your feelings are your own, but… that’s a trauma response. It doesn’t mean you won’t be a good father. When your mother almost died giving birth to the twins, I had to force your father to see them. I stayed with her. They needed him. I don’t think he regretted one day that I’d forced his hand there, nor did your mother. ”

I took a deep breath. “You don’t understand what life was like for Mamma after that. How she was.”

“I do. Because she wouldn’t let me in for ages. I don’t blame her, but it made work difficult. She did everything to protect you all—even from very irrational things. And I am sure I would have been the same in her position, Keir. But I do recall.”

“It broke her. I wouldn’t survive. I’m not strong like her.”

“You learn to survive,” Aunt Natalie said. “Mummy buried her first husband before she was thirty. She buried her son in her sixties. It broke her, but she survived. She still loved us. And… you find a way. Do you think your mother would have preferred never to love your father?”

I never asked—never even thought to.

“Maybe take some time to think about what you want, huh? And maybe talk to your mother about it? Because you’re spinning your wheels and potentially missing out on the best thing you ever had, Keir. I almost lost your uncle when he found out we couldn’t have kids. He momentarily thought it best to leave me and let me find someone else.”

“But it wasn’t.”

“No. Because people aren’t replaceable, you can’t swap out one groom for another. We aren’t cake toppers, Keir. In our case, all I needed at that moment was him. Because he was my person—the only one I wanted in the world. So, we figured it out together, and we’ve been stunningly happy for thirty more years. If you cannot imagine a life without Ingrid, you must ask yourself what you must do to be the person she needs to run to. ”

“Why do you care?”

My aunt put her hands on my shoulders.

“Because I love you. And because when I see you happy, it reminds me I haven’t completely fucked all of you up in this process. I think you do love this girl. Just pray another prince from some godforsaken country doesn’t roll up on her while you’re away. And then when you get back, make it right.”

“I can call her?—”

“This is not a call-and-grovel situation,” my aunt said. “It’s one for grand gestures. It would be best if you grew up a bit. Until you can articulate what would make things work for the two of you—and how I can help—it’s best you give her space. You have less than twenty-four hours before you land in bloody Cyprus, yeah?”

I nodded. “But what if it is all fucked up? “

“Well, then, you have disappointed yourself in the worst way. But if she loves you as I expect she does, I think she will still take you back. You both need to self-reflect and grow up in the interim.”

My aunt was usually right. She sometimes sucked with emotions but also loved hard. I knew if she told me to do better, she meant I needed to think about things. In the past, when I’d hit a professional or personal wall, her advice was sound. I loved my aunt and trusted her. I would have to sit back and take my lumps.

For now, Ingrid was gone. If I ever wanted her back, I’d need to be sure as hell I did and prove that she should accept me again.