Page 11 of Road Trip

CHAPTER

ELEVEN

JACOB

770 miles to go

Albuquerque, NM

O ur laundry tumbled around in the machine as I sat on a hard plastic chair and watched it. Matt was still back at the motel, and he’d been snoring when I left. I’d sent him a text letting him know I’d taken our laundry to the nearest laundromat, but the way he’d been crashed out when I left, I wouldn’t have been surprised if he still hadn’t moved by the time I got back.

Last night was weird in that it didn’t feel too weird at all. Like all it had taken to shift my perspective had been tilting my head a little to the side, not turning my whole world upside down. Matt was my best friend and I loved him: old news. Matt was my best friend and I loved him and we’d made out and messed around: not so much breaking news as it was just an update on an old story. My feelings for Matt hadn’t changed. How could they? But then I thought of my family and my friends and the girls I’d dated, and I didn’t feel so sure that the world hadn’t flipped the moment Matt and I had kissed.

I watched our tangled clothes go around and around and around, and my thoughts did the same.

I didn’t regret last night. It hadn’t just felt good—it had felt right too. But I was scared. I was scared of losing Matt, which was already old news as far as this roller coaster ride was concerned, but thanks to last night the ride now came with a couple of added emotional loop the loops. I was scared of how my family and friends might look at me differently. I was scared of how to figure it all out on my own, because in a few more days Matt would be in California and I’d be driving back to Cape Charles with an empty passenger seat. Like, what did life even look like when Matt wasn’t riding shotgun with me? And now same question but also I might be bi.

Something thumped in one of the machines—thump, thump, thump—and then the machine shuddered to a stop and started to beep out an alarm. Kind of a metaphor for this whole situation.

The woman in charge of the laundromat came to check the machine and to yell at the guy who’d put his shoes in the load, and I took the opportunity to slip outside onto the street. It was a sunny, cloudless day. It was still early but already bright enough that the sun seemed to bleach all the color out of the world. I moved to the storefront next to the laundromat and saw it was a salon that wasn’t open yet. Standing in the shade of the faded awning, I pulled my phone out of my pocket. At first I thought about texting Matt to see if he was awake yet, but then it occurred to me there was someone I could call for advice after all.

Matt always said I was slow on the uptake but I got there in the end.

I guessed that was true about more than one thing.

I called Charlie.

“Hey,” he said when he answered. “What’s going on?” In the background Luke asked who it was. “It’s Jacob. Jacob?”

“Is he okay?” Luke yelled. “Did they crash the car? Holy shit, they didn’t crash the car, did they?”

“Let me listen!” Charlie said. “Are you okay, Jacob?”

“Yeah,” I said. “I just wanted to talk or something, I guess. Maybe ask you some stuff. Can you get rid of Luke?”

“He’s fine,” Charlie told Luke. “It’s about college. Hold on, Jacob. I’ll go outside where I can hear you without this doofus interrupting. Oof.” I wasn’t certain what the oof meant, but knowing Luke I would have put my money on a pillow to the face. Then I didn’t hear anything much at all except some muffled sounds, and Charlie said, “I’m outside.”

“It’s not about college,” I said, watching an old man on a wheelie walker shuffle his way slowly down the sidewalk.

“Okay,” Charlie said. “What’s going on?”

Charlie was a year older than me and the smartest guy I knew, and he was gay. I didn’t remember him ever coming out. Just, he’d always known, which meant the rest of the family had always known as well. When we were kids, Charlie had told me that when he grew up he was going to marry Spider-Man. I didn’t remember anyone saying anything negative about it. I mostly remembered being excited that I’d get to meet the Avengers at the wedding.

“Me and Matt hooked up,” I blurted out. “Last night.”

“You and Matt?” Charlie asked and then said, “What?”

“We hooked up,” I said. “A couple of days ago he came out to me, and then last night we fooled around some.”

“What do you mean?” Charlie asked. “Because I’m a member of the gayest fraternity at Lassiter, and sometimes the lines get a little blurred between ‘vaguely homoerotic displays of masculinity and questionable couch wrestling’ and ‘their tongues were down each other’s throats.’”

“The tongues and the throats,” I said. “And also, frotting.”

Charlie was silent.

“That means?—”

“I know what it means, Jacob! Holy shit !”

He sounded almost angry, and Charlie never got angry. “Charlie, are you okay?”

“I cannot believe you two right now!” he exclaimed. “You’ve been gay for half a minute and you’ve already got more action than I have in my whole life!”

“Uh… ”

“Oh my god. Don’t be gay, Jacob. All men are bastards.”

I blinked at the sun-soaked street. “What?”

He sighed heavily into his phone. “Sorry. I don’t mean that. Well, I mean the part about all men being bastards. But of course you can be gay.”

“I think I’m bi, actually.”

“I’m very happy for you,” Charlie said, but he didn’t sound very happy. “And thank you for trusting me enough to tell me.”

“Are you okay, Charlie?”

He made a frustrated noise. “The guy from the party? The one I made out with?”

“Tanner.”

“He ghosted me.”

“Tanner did?” I didn’t know the guy really well, even though our high school was only small. He’d always seemed like a decent guy, and I’d never suspected he was gay. Maybe he was a closeted dickhead as well.

“Yeah.” Charlie snorted. “Well, he never called me. Does that even count as ghosting? It’s just— ugh .”

He sounded so disappointed that I wished I was there to cheer him up. “Maybe something happened. Like he was in a horrific accident or something.”

“That would be awful!”

“But at least he wouldn’t have ghosted you. Maybe he’s in a hospital bed with two broken legs and a feeding tube and all he can do is mime sending a text and what he’s trying to say is ‘I need my phone!’ but the nurses think he’s asking for pain relief. Or maybe he’s a literal ghost!”

“There is something very wrong with the way your brain works.”

“I was trying to make you feel better.”

“Idiot,” he said, but he sounded as though he was trying not to laugh. “Okay, so you and Matt. Wait. Aunt Kate said Matt was staying in California.”

“Yeah. ”

“Oh. Oh, I’m sorry, Jacob.”

“All men are bastards, right?” I tried to make it sound like a joke, but it didn’t come out that way.

Charlie sighed. “You like him, right? This wasn’t just you experimenting?”

“He’s my best friend,” I said. “I love him. But maybe not the right way? I don’t know. And anyway it doesn’t matter. He’s staying in California and I’m going to ODU.”

Charlie sighed again. “If only there was a way to get from here to there. Like, a magical metal sky tube that carries you across the country in exchange for shiny pennies. Or some sort of device that lets you speak to a person even though they’re far away. Or a screen where you can see the other person, or?—”

“Okay, I get it,” I said. “But what if he doesn’t want any of that? What if I’ve fucked up our friendship and he can’t wait to be rid of me?”

“Why are you asking me this instead of Matt?”

“I left him asleep. I’m doing laundry.”

“Why are you—you know what? It doesn’t matter. The question is, did you make a move on him or did he make a move on you?”

“He kissed me after I told him I might not be straight. And then we did other stuff.”

“So if the first thing he did when he found out you weren't straight was kiss you, maybe he loves you too.”

Huh. That Matt might feel the same way about me as I felt about him hadn’t even occurred to me. See? Slow on the uptake. Exhilaration surged through me, followed by a crashing wave of despair. Even if what Charlie said was true, we were still going to be living at opposite ends of the country.

Why the fuck was I only just figuring this out now, when it was too late?

“Jacob?” Charlie said quietly.

“Yeah.”

“Talk to Matt. See if he feels the same. And if he does, you’ll figure it out. I mean, Matt’s stubborn as heck from what I’ve seen. He’s not going to let something as dumb as distance stop him getting what he wants. He literally just found a way to cross the country to be with his dad. So he’ll find a way back to see you too.”

“Yeah, maybe,” I said slowly, my brain already ticking over. “And there are probably cheap flights. I can go visit sometimes. People do that, right? Long-distance date?”

“Oh yeah,” Charlie said. “All the time. And it wouldn’t be forever.”

“They never work, though, right? Long-distance relationships?”

“The ones that are meant to will,” Charlie said. “You and Matt have been best friends forever. You think something like a couple thousand miles can come between you?”

I let out a faint laugh. “I guess not. But it sure feels like all this new stuff might.”

“But it might not,” Charlie said. “And the only way you’ll know is to try, if that’s what you want to do. I don’t have the answers for you, Jacob. But I think that maybe you and Matt can come up with them together.”

“Yeah,” I said. “Maybe. Thanks, Charlie.”

And I went back inside the laundromat to see if our clothes were done yet.

M att was still sleeping when I got back to the motel, but he snorted and snuffled awake like a puppy when I dumped the bag of laundry on the bed. He blinked and glared, but then he spotted the paper bag I was carrying and his expression turned hopeful. “Is that breakfast?”

“It’s closer to lunch at this point,” I said and tossed the bag at him .

He caught it against his chest and opened it. “Breakfast burrito! Sweet!” He sat up in bed, the blankets pooling around his waist, and tore open the wrapper, taking a huge bite and letting out a moan that sent my mind places that had nothing to do with burritos. He grinned at me, one of his rare, unguarded smiles that I was pretty sure nobody else got to see but me, and the knot of tension in my chest unfurled.

I sat next to him on the bed, pulling the bag over and grabbing my own burrito. It was really fucking good, and we ate in happy silence for a few minutes. When we were done, Matt turned and gestured at me. “Bro, you’ve got sauce on your face.”

“Where?” I dabbed at my cheek with a napkin.

Matt paused for a second, holding my gaze and tilting his head as though he was thinking hard. Then the little fucker leaned over and licked my cheek. “Got it.”

I let out a startled laugh and shoved at him. “Gross!”

He shrugged. “It’s no worse than kissing, and you didn’t mind that.”

And there it was. The dick-shaped elephant in the room.

It looked like we were talking about this now. “Yeah. About that.”

“Hold on, I gotta take a leak.” Matt scrambled off the bed and headed for the bathroom. I barely had time to wonder if he was avoiding me before he was back, sitting cross-legged and facing me, wearing the familiar crease in his brow that he got when he was overthinking something.

“So,” I said.

“So,” Matt echoed, and his throat clicked as he swallowed. “Last night. Are you gonna tell me it was a one-off or…”

My own brow scrunched in confusion. “Why would I say that?”

Matt shrugged. “I mean, it probably wasn’t very good. I came in like, ten seconds.”

“Are you kidding?” I shoved his shoulder. “I came in about nine. ”

His brow unfurrowed. “So, it was okay?”

“Matty, I’ve never come harder in my life. It was the best sex I’ve ever had.”

“But you dated Layla, and I might be gay but I’m not blind. She’s objectively hot.”

And he was right. Layla was hot. But Layla had never made my blood fizz or my insides twist with want like Matt did. I guessed maybe I’d been gayer than I thought for longer than I’d thought. “It…it was never like that with Layla,” I said. “Seriously, last night was…” I raised my hands and spread my fingers, mimicking an explosion. “It was fucking amazing, okay?”

“Yeah, it was.”

We both sat in silence while we digested that. Neither of us was freaking out, which had to be a good sign, right? Finally, Matt caught my gaze. “So,” he said, “what happens now?”

I wanted to tell him that I already had a saved tab on my phone with budget airfares. I wanted to tell him I loved him, and if he could just wait until I graduated, I’d go wherever he wanted. But I didn't tell him any of those things because that seemed like a lot to ask on the strength of some kissing, a dirty grind, and a single shared orgasm. So I settled for, “I don’t want last night to be a one-off.”

Matt’s entire body sagged with something like relief. “Me either.” He reached out and grasped my hand. “I say we fool around as much as we can, while we can.” He hesitated. “Maybe we can figure something out once we get to San Diego?”

My heart thumped in my chest as I took in what he was saying. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” he said. “It’ll probably be all jerking off over FaceTime because I’m broke as fuck and I don’t know if my dad will be willing to fly me back east to see my boyfriend, but yeah.”

Boyfriend . Holy shit.

I liked how that sounded and how it made me feel even more.

“I have Google Flights open on my phone right now,” I blurted out, and so much for not telling him. “There are some pretty cheap ones.”

He snorted. “Sure, if you’re willing to go via, I dunno, Alaska . Five layovers, twenty hours in the air, and a hundred sitting around a bunch of shitty airports.” He glared at me as though I’d personally invented modern air travel and then shrugged his narrow shoulders. “I mean, I’d do it, I guess. Even Alaska.”

“Well, it’s probably a good thing since it’d save you from jerking off over FaceTime and all.”

“Joke’s on you,” Matt said. “I can jerk off over FaceTime and come visit you in Virginia.”

“Okay,” I said. “Let’s do that then.” Because we were boyfriends . “Now hurry up and get dressed. We’ve got to hit the road.”

“What’s the rush?”

“We want to make the Grand Canyon by sunset, right?”

Matt’s face split with a grin. “Hell yes! Let’s go!”