Page 17

17

MASON

I lay awake a long time after Kai fell asleep, cursing myself for my stupidity. He kept saying he was the one who made a mistake. But even if he had—and I wasn’t convinced of that—then it was still ten years ago. Me? I kept making the same mistake, day after day, night after night.

I couldn’t pull away from him tonight. My head had wanted to, but my body—and my heart—knew I wasn’t going anywhere. He’d had such a rough day yesterday. I’d genuinely worried for him. The stress of the video leaking, on top of everything else he’d already been carrying, had to be crushing.

I wasn’t even sure why I told him about my time in the Marines. I tried to keep that memory buried. What Pete did… I still tried not to think about it. I’d reported him to our CO, escalated it up the chain. Pete was dishonorably discharged. But I couldn’t stay in the military after that. I didn’t have the stomach for it.

I haven’t had the stomach for much of anything since.

The memory of that day dogged my footsteps, ready to drag me under. I hadn’t kept a job since I got out. Every time I started to get comfortable, get my feet under me, I remembered those kids. They would never grow up. Never get married, have jobs, have kids of their own. Because of me. It was my responsibility to keep them safe, and I’d failed.

I didn’t merit comfort. Or stability. My dreams are bad enough, but whenever I started to feel like things might be okay, I found a way to blow it all up. Because I didn’t deserve anything better.

And I didn’t deserve Kai.

He’d let himself be vulnerable, and he’d been beautiful. More beautiful than someone with my hands, my past, should ever have been allowed to touch. Kai belonged on a stage or in a museum, not wrapped up in the wreckage of me.

I’d taken this job to protect him. I couldn’t undo what I’d done, but I could keep someone else from harm. That’s what I’d told myself. What I didn’t count on was falling for him. Not just wanting him, but needing him. Needing all of him.

It wasn’t just the sex—though that was amazing. God, I’d fucked a man last night, and instead of feeling wrong or weird, it had felt right. Like a piece of me I’d been missing all my life had finally snapped into place. Like it was meant to be.

I closed my eyes, and all I saw was Kai moving on top of me, his body sweat-sheened and glorious, his head tipped back, bouncing on my cock as I stroked his. He’d come so quickly, whimpering and moaning, filling me with heat and pride that I’d given that pleasure to him. I’d pulled him down as I felt my own orgasm build, desperate to be as connected to him as possible, and fuck the doctors and my ribs both.

I needed Kai. And because of that, I knew I had to let him go.

I hurt people. That’s what I did. If Amir was right, and Kai really did care about me… Well, then I had to end this before it got worse. Because I knew it would.

I rolled onto my side and watched him sleep. His face was relaxed. No furrow in his brow, no tension around his mouth. I wanted to remember him like this. Wanted to hold onto this moment before everything inevitably went to hell.

As the sky began to lighten, I leaned forward and pressed a kiss to his forehead.

“I love you,” I mouthed. Not even a whisper, but I meant it with everything I had. “And I’m sorry.”

Then I slipped out of bed before the sky turned gray and left the room.

I felt a little better that morning than I had the day before. Not great, but better. So I decided to skip the prescription painkillers. They made my head too foggy, and I needed to be sharp. I found some ibuprofen in Kai’s medicine cabinet and washed it down with a cup of coffee, staring out the window at his sparse backyard.

I’d let myself imagine it once. What it could look like if Kai let me plant it up. A crape myrtle for color. Maybe a peach tree. Hibiscus bushes. Lavender. Thyme. Hostas along the south wall, a pond with a little fountain. A bench under the tree where we could sit together.

Stupid. Stupid to think there was a version of the future where I was still around.

Kai came down about an hour later, bleary-eyed and quiet. He didn’t ask why I was up so early. Didn’t mention last night at all. I didn’t expect that to last forever, but I was grateful not to have to face it yet.

“How are you doing today?” I asked him. “With…everything?”

“Ask me later,” he mumbled, grabbing a coffee mug and another donut before trudging back upstairs.

I wasn’t used to resting the way everyone kept telling me I should. The doctors. Dana. Kai. I felt antsy—not alert like I was on a mission, but like I needed to burn off energy. Normally I’d get up and do something, but I still ached, and I knew rest would help in the long run. So I lay on the couch with Bella curled up beside me and tried not to lose my mind overthinking everything.

Later, when I went upstairs to get more ibuprofen, I paused outside Kai’s office door. It was closed, but I could hear him talking on the other side.

“—ashamed of my past actions. They don’t reflect the person I am now, and I regret bringing shame to my family, friends, and colleagues. My personal life should never take center stage over the important work that the Butterfly Center and Wardrobes for the Win are doing. Do you think that’s enough?”

A pause. He was on the phone. Probably with Carolyn.

“Yeah, no, that’s a good idea. Something like, ‘ seeking legal recourse to discover …’ yeah. Yeah, that sounds fine.”

He was dictating his statement about the video. I could practically see the cringe on his face through the door. I hated hearing him fall on his sword like this.

Shame? Over a video he made a decade ago that someone else reposted without his consent? Anyone who actually knew Kai —who cared about him—should be furious on his behalf. But I knew he didn’t see it that way. He was taking all of it on himself.

Later that afternoon, Dana texted to check in, and a bit after that, I got a message from Amir.

AMIR

Hey, how’s Kai holding up

You know?

Mason, people who had no idea who Kai was two days ago know about him now. I’d have to be living under a rock not to know what happened

Is it really that bad?

I mean, it’s not great. It’ll blow over eventually, but I know Kai’s gotta be freaking out right now. Hence me texting you

Why not text him?

Because he’s freaking out right now. I’m not trying to make it worse

So how is he? Holding it together? Anything I can do?

He’s been in his office all day. Doing damage control, I guess. I’ve been trying to give him space

I didn’t add that there were other reasons for the space too.

I’ll let him know you texted and offered to help

He’ll probably say he doesn’t need anything, but you’ve got my number, if you think of anything I can do

Got it

At least he has you

That last line hit like a gut punch. Whatever Amir thought I was to Kai, I wasn’t. Not really. Not anymore. But once I finished talking to him, all I could think about was Kai. So I decided to check in.

I padded upstairs and knocked lightly on Kai’s door. No answer. I probably should’ve left it alone, but I needed to make sure he was okay. So I pushed the door open a few inches and said, “Just checking in.”

Kai sat at his desk, cell phone pressed to his ear. He looked up at me—exhausted, wrecked—and something in my chest twisted painfully. I stepped inside and closed the door behind me.

“Yeah. I understand. Yeah. Right. Yeah. I appreciate it. Thanks. Bye.”

Kai tossed his phone down onto the leather desk mat and slumped forward, burying his face in his hands. I walked over to him. Every part of me ached to pull him into a hug, to tell him it would all be okay. But I’d done that last night, and look where it got us.

So instead, I pulled up a second rolling chair and sat beside him. I didn’t say anything at first. Just gave him the space to sit in it, whatever ‘ it ’ was. Eventually, I asked, “How are things at work?”

“Fucked,” he said, not looking up. “Completely and totally fucked. The board of directors at the Butterfly Center wants to cut ties with me. Apparently I’m unfit to sponsor a center for queer teens. A bad role model. Wardrobes for the Win in Denver and Houston are denouncing me on social media.”

“Shit.”

“Amber from DC is still being nice, but it’s only a matter of time. And the worst part is, I can’t even blame them. They’re right. I’m not a good role model. I shouldn’t be associated with them.”

“Kai, you were practically a kid yourself when you made that video—”

“I was an adult, Mason. A full human adult, in charge of his own actions. I wasn’t tricked into making the video. I wasn’t blackmailed. I did it of my own volition, and now I’m paying the price.”

“I still think people are overreacting. Anyway, you’re the main backer for the Butterfly Center. They can’t cut ties with you, can they?”

“Financially? Not for a few months,” he said. “But they still want me to make another statement saying I’m no longer affiliated with them. The Center’s controversial enough as it is. They can’t afford negative press.”

“So they want to take your money, but they want you to lie about it?” I said, pissed. “That’s bullshit.”

“No, it’s common sense,” he replied. “And I understand why they’re asking.”

“I still don’t think you should agree to it.”

He finally looked up, shaking his head. “Mason, do you have any idea how much a place like the Butterfly Center would have meant to me as a teen? I had loving parents, but still, the support it would have provided? The community? I can’t put my own pride above the center’s existence. It matters more than I do.”

Kai closed his eyes and rubbed the bridge of his nose. I wanted so badly to reach out and touch him, to comfort him, that my body actually leaned forward. I grabbed a pencil off his desk to cover the motion. He didn’t seem to notice.

“Was that the center?” I asked after a moment. “On the phone?”

Kai shook his head, grounding himself with both palms on the desk. “No. That was Officer Branscombe. Calling to tell me they didn’t get anything usable off the security footage.”

“Nothing?” I asked. “But I was right there.”

“Yeah. They can see you clearly. But the other three people were masked, and it’s a big mess, apparently.”

“Fuck,” I said. “I want to see that footage myself.”

Kai shrugged. “You can ask the company to send it to you. I’m sure they will. But Detective Myers reviewed it himself, apparently. Branscombe said our case is all he’s been focused on for the past two days.”

He sighed, then turned and gave me a crooked smile. “I don’t suppose you want to go back to bed and fuck my brains out, would you? Because I am sick of dealing with the real world.”

My heart skipped like it had tripped over itself. My mouth opened, but nothing came out. My breath sped up. I stared at him, helpless. One second we were having one conversation, and the next, we were in a completely different one. I wasn’t ready.

I’d never be ready.

“Uh oh,” Kai said. “That doesn’t sound good.”

“I didn’t say anything,” I croaked.

“That’s my point.”

“Kai, I—”

“Oh god.” He closed his eyes. “Are you fucking kidding me? You’re going to give me the ‘ I’m just not that into you ’ speech? Today, of all days? Could you really not have waited a week? Or were you determined to add salt to the wound?”

“Kai, that’s not—”

“Forget it.” He stood up abruptly. “I already know what you’re going to say, and I really, really don’t need to hear it. Not today.”

He moved to brush past me, but I reached out and caught his wrist. “No,” I said. “You don’t.”

He looked down at me in confusion, and I turned in my chair to face him. My heart cracked right open at what I was about to say—to him, to myself. But I had to say it.

“Kai, I…” I struggled for words. “I think you were right. About what you said about me in high school. I think I was fixated on you because I was into you. But I didn’t have any framework for it. Not in my friend group, not at home. So I turned it into something ugly instead. I bullied you because I couldn’t admit I wanted you.”

He gave me a wary look. “Okay…”

I took a breath and let go of his hand. I couldn’t touch him and say this at the same time. I wouldn’t get it out.

“I’m so sorry for that. I was awful to you. And I think I knew that, so I tried to bury it, like you said. But I kept trying, because I’m just…I’m toxic. My whole life, all I’ve done is let people down. And I can’t—I can’t do that to you. Not again. It would kill me to know I hurt you like that.” I inhaled deeply, forcing the rest out. “So as soon as we catch whoever’s doing this, I’ll leave you alone.”

Kai stared at me, blank. “What?”

“I can go now, if you want. We could call that other service back and—”

“Shut. Up.” His tone was steel.

I blinked. “What?”

“Shut your stupid face before you make me want to smack you again.”

“I don’t think you’re hearing me. I’m saying I—”

“Oh, I heard you,” he said. “Loud and clear. But I’m not having it. You’re not doing this to me. Not today.”

“Doing what?”

“Breaking up with me. I don’t accept.”

“I don’t…think it’s the kind of thing you get a choice in?” I said, totally thrown. I’d braced for anger, maybe heartbreak. Not defiance.

“I sure as shit do,” he said, arms crossed. “I have had the world’s worst fucking day today. And I get it. You said this was just physical—”

“Actually, I think you said that.”

“—and you’ve used your military spidey-senses to figure out that it stopped being just physical for me a long time ago—”

“Spidey senses?”

“—so I get it. I changed the rules on you. Made you uncomfortable with my gay little feelings. And that’s fine. I can accept that you don’t feel the same. But you are not going to do this to me on one of the literal worst days of my life. No fucking way. You have to wait.”

“Will you fucking let me talk?” I said, standing up so my face was inches from his. Being this close was dangerous, but I didn’t care. I was too annoyed. “I’m not breaking up with you because I don’t have feelings for you. I’m breaking up with you because I do .”