Page 15

15

MASON

“ S o what’s up with you and Kai?” Amir asked as he followed me upstairs to make sure I got in bed.

Dana had sent him up to play nursemaid while she and Kai cleaned up after dinner. I’d insisted I could help, but they shooed me away like I was some annoying puppy. I hated not being allowed to help, but I hated even more how good it felt to be back in bed after the day I’d had.

“What do you mean?” I asked, probably more suspicious than I needed to be.

“Man, can we not do this?” Amir said. “You’re not an idiot, and neither am I. It’s pretty clear something’s going on between you and Kai. And I am nothing if not a nosy bitch. So come on, spill.”

I shifted, trying to get comfortable, which only made things worse. Broken ribs sucked. Every movement was a reminder that healing was going to take forever.

“There’s nothing, really,” I said. “I mean, if you want details, you should ask Kai.”

Amir sat on the edge of the bed and waved that off. “I don’t need to talk to Kai. He can’t tell me what I want to know.”

“Which is?”

“If you’re going to hurt him,” he said calmly, fixing me with a look that was more serious than I’d ever seen on him.

It felt like he stabbed me in the chest. “Why would I hurt him?” I asked reflexively. The defensiveness leaked out of me before I could stop it.

“I’m not saying you’d do it on purpose. But dude, I’ve been hitting on you for months. And I know I’m a catch. But I’ve never gotten the tiniest bit of interest from you, which suggests to me you don’t like men in that way.”

“That’s not—” I started, but he kept going.

“And yet, here’s Kai. A man. And you. Another man. You bicker like an old married couple, but I saw the way you looked at each other at dinner. There’s definitely something physical happening.”

I winced. “Is it that obvious?”

“Is it a bad thing if it is?” Amir countered. “Because the only reason I can think of for keeping it secret is if you’re just experimenting on Kai. Or using him because he’s right there and clearly into you. I know that would hurt him, and as his friend, I don’t want that to happen. Hence me grilling you. So, like I said. Spill.”

“I’m not using him,” I said quickly. “And I’m not experimenting either. I don’t think. But I’m also not—wait.” I tilted my head, which pulled at my shoulder, which tugged at my sling, which made everything ache until I straightened up again. “You think Kai’s into me?”

The thought sent a ridiculous thrill through me. Like my chest was full of pink champagne bubbles. But I wasn’t built for pink champagne bubbles. I was more of a whiskey and regrets kind of guy. I didn’t want to hurt Kai, but this couldn’t go on.

“Mason, what did I say about not pretending you’re an idiot?” Amir said, raising an eyebrow.

“I’m not pretending,” I protested. “I really didn’t know. He said what’s going on between us is just physical.”

“Well, that boy is either lying to you or lying to himself, because I know him, and he is gone .”

“Fuck,” I whispered.

“And again, I ask—why is that a bad thing?”

I didn’t have a good answer for that. Not one I could give without revealing a whole lot more than I was ready to. So instead, I asked, “Did you always know you were bi?”

Amir blinked at the sudden shift but answered smoothly. “Since I was seven. I saw two men holding hands at the swimming pool and asked my mom what that meant. She told me they were probably gay or bisexual, but that the important thing was that they loved each other like she and my dad loved each other. That obviously led to seven-year-old me needing to know what both those words meant, whereupon I mulled it over for the rest of the day and informed my parents at breakfast the next morning that I was bisexual, because I liked men and women too.”

“Whoa,” I said. “That’s a big word for a seven-year-old.”

Amir grinned. “I was always precocious. And honestly, I had my first crush on a boy in preschool. I just didn’t know what to call it until a few years later.”

“How did your parents react?”

“My mom laughed and said it was fine if I was bi, but I should stick to kids my own age. My dad said I wasn’t allowed to kiss anybody—boys or girls or otherwise—until I was sixteen.”

That hit me harder than I expected. Not because they were great or terrible reactions, but because I couldn’t imagine having that kind of conversation with my parents. Dana and I didn’t have a bad childhood, exactly, but we were poor. Our parents worked constantly. They were exhausted, cranky, quick to anger. We spent a lot of time alone. When they were home, it wasn’t warmth and laughter—it was tension and fatigue.

The only times I really remembered getting their full attention were when our report cards came in—mostly because mine were always worse than Dana’s. I learned early on to nod at the right moments, say the right things, and wall myself off. Picture myself as a fortress. Strong. Impenetrable. Let their words bounce off the walls I built inside.

“Do you think you’re bi?” Amir asked when I didn’t say anything. “Or gay?”

“I don’t know. I don’t think I’m gay. I’ve liked too many women in the past—enjoyed hooking up with them too. But I could be bi? Or something?”

I looked at Amir, hoping he’d have some magic label to offer that would make it all make sense. But he just shrugged.

“At least you’re not freaking out about it. No offense, but I kind of thought you would be.”

“I don’t have time to freak out about it,” I said. “My job is to keep Kai safe. Everything else has to take a back seat to that.”

“And where does your relationship with Kai fall in that hierarchy?”

“It’s not a relationship,” I said. “It’s… I don’t even know what it is.”

“I suggest you figure it out soon,” Amir said. “And that you make the right decision.”

“Which is?”

He smiled. “I like you, Mason. I’d hate to have to stop liking you. But I’ve known Kai longer. And if you hurt him—well, you and I can bench press the same weight, but I’ve got the advantage right now, with your broken rib. So keep that in mind.”

With that, he stood and walked out the door.

I leaned my head back on the pillows, closed my eyes, and tried to figure out how the hell to get out of the mess I was in. Kai liked me? You could’ve fooled me. The guy seemed to hate me most of the time.

I mean, not today. Today he’d been weirdly nice to me—especially when I didn’t deserve it. And, okay, maybe not only today. If I were being honest with myself, he’d been softening for a while now. If bullying me into sleeping counted as softening. And maybe—maybe—it had started even before that. Since the cocktail party. Maybe earlier. Maybe I’d had my head too far up my ass to notice.

No matter what Amir thought, the issue wasn’t that I didn’t return Kai’s feelings. The issue was that I did. But I had the emotional availability of a damp basement, and no right to ask Kai for anything.

“Are you actually asleep,” he said from the doorway, “or are you plotting your revenge for us not letting you do the dishes?”

My eyes snapped open. Kai was leaning against the doorframe, smirking.

“If I were plotting my revenge, I wouldn’t be very likely to tell you, would I?” I said.

He wrinkled his nose, then laughed. “Fair point. I guess I’ll have to keep looking over my shoulder.”

He stepped into the room and closed the door behind him. “But if you’re willing to take a break from plotting for a minute, there’s something I wanted to talk to you about.”

Oh, shit.

Had Amir said something?

He hadn’t been gone long enough for them to have a real conversation, but what did I know? Maybe he’d dropped the intel in Kai’s lap and then left. He did love drama, after all.

I watched Kai warily as he walked towards the bed. He sat in the exact same spot as Amir. Not too close, but close enough that my pulse picked up. It didn’t help that he was biting his lip, looking at me like he wasn’t sure how I’d respond.

Fuck, fuck, fuck. I wasn’t ready for this conversation. I hadn’t even known Kai liked me until a few minutes ago, and now I had to let him down gently?

Why couldn’t I get a few days to adjust? A little time to enjoy things as they were?

Is that what you think you deserve? asked the voice in the back of my head. With Kai? With anyone? You think you get to have that kind of happiness?

I drew in a shaky breath. Kai had a way of getting under my skin even on a good day, and this… This definitely wasn’t one of those.

“Okay,” I said slowly. I meant to say more, but no words came out. So I just let it hang there.

“I was thinking, downstairs,” Kai said. “Maybe the reason you’re not taking your injuries very seriously is because stuff like this has happened to you before. When you were in the Marines. I bet you saw all sorts of life-threatening injuries when you were deployed. So to you, a cracked rib and a black eye is probably nothing.”

“I guess?” I said, even more off-balance than before. This wasn’t the conversation I expected—unless Kai was planning on circling back around to the point in the most roundabout way imaginable. “I mean, yeah, I definitely saw some bad shit a few times.”

“Is that why you don’t ever talk about it?” he asked.

“Talk about what? Injuries?”

“About everything. You served for, what, eight years? That’s a huge part of your life, but sometimes it feels like you wish it never happened. Like if you never talk about it, you can pretend it didn’t. Are you, like—scarred? Traumatized?”

“Traumatized?” I repeated. What the hell was he getting at?

“Or maybe that’s the wrong word, I don’t know.” He slid a little closer on the bed. “I’m doing a terrible job of this. I just—I want you to know, if something…bad…happened to you, I’m here to listen. If you need to talk about it. I won’t judge. If you just need to get it out.”

I stared at him, totally thrown. This was what he wanted to talk about? Not us ?

I was relieved—but not exactly comfortable. Talking about my time overseas was about as appealing as dissecting our relationship. I needed to shut this down.

“Don’t be so dramatic,” I said. “I’m not scarred by my experiences. The Marines were fine. And I’m fine too.”

I expected him to snap back. I wanted him to. If I could piss him off, I could derail this whole thing and steer it towards safer ground.

But Kai didn’t get mad. Didn’t scoff. All he said, quietly but firmly, was, “No. I don’t think you are.”

He slid even closer, and looked at me like I was a wounded animal he wanted to nurse back to health. I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to bite him or limp pitifully into his arms. My right arm was already across my chest in its sling, but I folded my left one too, locking myself down.

“Kai,” I said, trying to match his calm tone. “I appreciate your concern. I do. But I promise, you’re barking up the wrong tree here.”

He shook his head. “I don’t think I am. I trust you with my life, Mason. But I don’t trust you about this. I think you’re very good at telling yourself things are fine. But I’m not sure you actually even know what you’re feeling half the time.”

“And what’s that supposed to mean?” I snapped.

Dammit. Now I was the one overheating. I needed to stay cool if I wanted to steer this conversation elsewhere. But it was hard to stay calm when my heart was pounding so hard I thought I might pass out.

“It means I think you’ve spent a good chunk of your life trying to dissociate from what you feel, who you are. And what you’ve done.”

“You’re being ridiculous.”

“No. I’m not. And while I’m tempted to say you are, that wouldn’t actually be true. Because I don’t think you’re being ridiculous. I think you’re scared.”

“Scared of what?” I said, twisting the words to sound as dismissive as I could make them.

“Of yourself, mostly.” Kai gave me a steady look. “For the last few weeks, I’ve been wondering how it was possible you could want to hook up with me after the way you treated me in high school. But I realize now, that’s probably why you treated me the way you did. You were attracted to me, and you didn’t know what to do about it, so you lashed out.”

“Kai—”

“And as you got older, you felt guilty about that,” he went on. “Which would explain why you said you don’t remember any of it. I thought you had to be lying at first, but now I’m not so sure. I think you were so embarrassed by what you did—and what it might mean—that you pushed it so far down even you didn’t remember it happened.”

“You’re being—”

“And realizing that made me think it might explain why you don’t talk about the Marines either. I think something happened to you there, and you’re scared of what it means, so you’re trying to push that away too. But Mason, you don’t have to. You don’t have to be afraid of anything. You can tell me, and I promise—”

“Oh, I can tell you, can I?” I snarled, unable to take any more. “You want me to kneel at your feet and repent so you can absolve me? That would feel good, wouldn’t it? Make you feel powerful? I might’ve beaten you up in high school, but now you get to see me as a poor little broken boy, and you’re the only one who can fix me?”

“That’s not what I’m saying at all,” Kai snapped back, and god, the sight of his nostrils flaring was a relief. I’d finally gotten a rise out of him. “I don’t want to have power over you. I want to help you. Like you helped me.”

“And I’m just supposed to believe that?” I said. “Believe you’ve magically forgiven me for everything I did, no matter how awful I was?”

“Yeah,” he said, incredulous. “Yeah, you are. Because I have.”

“Well, I haven’t,” I spat. “And for the record, I do remember some of it. I remember punching you in the library. I remember stripping you naked and leaving you taped to a goal post overnight. I remember—I remember—fuck.”

I broke off and closed my eyes, trying to block out the burn behind them. There was so much I couldn’t remember, and I didn’t want Kai to be right about why not. When I opened my eyes, I locked him in a glare.

“I was horrible to you. You have no reason to forgive me.”

“No reason except everything you’ve done for me these past few weeks.” He shook his head. “If anything, I should be asking you for forgiveness. If I hadn’t dragged you into my mess, you wouldn’t have gotten hurt.”

“And if I’d done my job right, we would’ve caught the guy by now,” I said, disgusted with myself. “I was so cocky, thinking I could handle it all. I even got a tracking device—a tiny one I was going to stick to the guy’s clothes in case he ran. But I didn’t think about him having backup. Didn’t even get the damn thing on him before I passed out. I checked. It’s back at the police station with all the other evidence. Probably next to that dead rat.” My voice was scathing, but it still wasn’t enough. “I should’ve made you go to the cops earlier about those notes. Shouldn’t have thought I could do this on my own.”

“You did try to make me,” Kai said. “I’m the one who stopped you. That’s on me.”

I shook my head. “No, it’s not. All of this is on me. If I’d actually managed to catch the guy, maybe it could’ve made up for some of the shit I pulled in high school. But I couldn’t even do that.”

“Jesus, you don’t have to make up for it!” Kai said, throwing his hands up. “Not everyone lives in the past, Mason.”

“Maybe more of us should.”

He shook his head. “I don’t know what I have to do to convince you I’ve moved on.” He laughed softly. “Would a blow job do it? Because by my count, I still owe you an orgasm.”

“You don’t owe me anything.”

Kai slid along the bed until he sat right next to me, his hip resting against my thigh. This close, his eyes were huge and dark, and I wanted nothing more to sink into them and be swallowed up. This close, I could smell a hint of the wine he’d had with dinner, and his herbal shampoo.

This close, I found it really hard to remember why I was supposed to push him away.

“Come on, you’ve had an objectively awful twenty-four hours. Let me make you feel good. It doesn’t have to be anything more than what it is.”

Was that true? Was Amir wrong? Maybe Kai did just see this as physical.

He put his hand on my thigh, and I closed my eyes. I inhaled deeply, trying to find the strength to tell him no. But it was so hard with his hand on me. When I opened my eyes, he was leaning in close.

“Please?” he whispered.

I want to know if you’re going to hurt him .

The words flashed through my mind, and I pushed him back.

“I can’t, Kai. Not tonight.”

Not ever, if Amir is right .

Kai looked hurt, but I forced myself to remain firm. He held my gaze, then finally nodded. Disappointment filled his features, but he nodded.

“I’ll let you rest,” he said softly. “But while you’re here wallowing, just know that I forgive you. And I’m not going to give up on you.”

He smiled sadly, then stood. “Sleep well, Mason.”