Page 66 of Rising Out of the Darkness (Divine Guardians Duology #1)

“Though I couldn’t see their eyes, I could always feel their piercing, cold gazes on me.

Any time I was near them, pain radiated throughout me, along with the most unbearable feeling of hopelessness and despair.

” Goosebumps spread across my arms. She squeezed my hand tighter, knowing I needed that little push to keep going.

“Clara, I know it sounds absurd, but sometimes…”

“Sometimes what, Lena?” she breathed.

“It felt as though they were pulling the life out of me with every dream I had.

Like thieves in the night, stealing away my happiness.

They attacked every good part about me, going after my very being, until sometimes all that was left when I awoke was fear.

Sleeping became something I despised. The idea of being stuck in that darkness the minute I closed my eyes was enough to send my body into a full-blown panic.

“Eventually, that fear spilled over into my waking life. Any time I felt afraid, worried, or like I wasn’t doing enough, that feeling of darkness washed over me. That’s when I became lost in a battle within my own mind.”

“Why do you suppose you dreamt of wars? Have you always been fearful of it?”

“Never. To be honest, Clara, since arriving here I’ve realized my parents kept many things hidden away from me—to help me, I suppose.

I only knew bits and pieces of the past, and we only had vague conversations about the Rebellions.

The things I learned most were from talking with the people in my town, or things I stumbled upon in books.

The only wars and battles I know are the ones I’ve witnessed in my dreams.”

Warmth spread through our hands, and Clara’s healing dynamis worked hard to help me stay calm. “I’m so sorry, Lena. That’s not all that burdens you though, is it? I can feel that you’re not done sharing yet. There’s something far more painful still trapped deep within you.”

The truth within her observation radiated through me, cracking the lock that had held my darkest secret for years. My dynamis flared, and it was almost as if my body itself was trying to keep me from spilling my darkness into the world.

Piercing pain radiated in my jaw as I tried to will myself to unclench my teeth. Breathing was becoming increasingly more difficult. Each time my lungs tried to fill with air, it was slammed back down by the heavy weight that pressed against my chest.

Clara pulled me closer, willing her healing dynamis to help once again. Her warmth surrounded my body, allowing a break in my clenched teeth. Rocking back and forth, I struggled to force the words out.

“I—I—” My voice trembled as my teeth clattered together. “Gods I don’t think I can do this…”

“Yes, you can, sweet girl. Use that strength you’ve been building each day. Let it out, honey. Let it all out.”

A frustrated growl rumbled, tears now falling like waterfalls as I fought to regain control of my body. When I said these words aloud it would become real, all over again. Shame forced my shoulders down, pushing me further and further down into the darkness. My body tremored uncontrollably.

“Stay with me, Lena.” She brushed her hand over my forehead, sweeping the hair from my face. “Sometimes we have to surrender to the dark in order to be healed by the light.”

A sob tore through me as I gasped for more air to fill my lungs. “I…I did it…I?—”

“You did what, Lena?”

“I k-k-killed her,” I sobbed. “Gods, I killed her.” Tears streamed down my hot face.

“Who, honey?” she whispered, rubbing my palms with her thumbs, and I felt more of her healing dynamis flood through me.

“My mother.”

Clara sucked in a sharp breath.

Something snapped within me the moment the words left my lips. Between sobs, I spilled every detail about that atrocious night. The night that now filled my dreams.

“It was my weakness…my own damn mind paralyzed me, Clara! Fear kept me from saving my mother that night. How pathetic is that? Hells! If I was just normal, she would be right here! She’d still be—alive!”

A faint golden glow hazed over my arms. My dynamis boiled within me as the feeling of hate burned throughout my body.

The hate that I held for myself, the overwhelming disgust I felt when I thought about the panic attack that had stopped me from saving the woman who’d protected me my entire life.

She’d saved me even in her last moments, and in the end I couldn’t even protect her.

“You want to know what the worst part is?” I sniffled, using my shoulder to wipe away some of the mess I’d made of my face.

Clara nodded, tears falling down her cheeks.

“My father doesn’t even know. Not only am I weak, but I’m a damn coward, Clara. I—I—I couldn’t even admit that I could have saved her. He sent me to s-s-save her, and I let her die, Clara!

“He came rushing into the house that night and fell to his knees at the sight of us. The sound that erupted from my father is something I hope never fills my ears again. It was like something within him broke that night. All because of my failure! I shattered my father’s heart…

his soul. I destroyed everything that night. ”

“Oh, Lena.” Clara pulled me into a deep embrace.

“No!” I screamed, shoving my body away. “I don’t deserve your pity, Clara. The only thing I deserve is your disgust. What I did is unforgivable.”

“Stop!” Clara’s yell broke through my haze, catching me off guard. She slammed her body into mine, caging me within her arms. I squirmed and thrashed against her, trying my best to shove away the comfort that I absolutely did not deserve. For such a small thing, Clara was surprisingly strong.

“You’re right, Elena, what you did was unforgivable,” she whispered, and I was immediately flooded with embarrassment and shame. Her next words floated over my ear, shredding the last of the control I had over my emotions and my dynamis.

“It’s unforgivable, Elena, because there is absolutely nothing to forgive.

No one could control the events of that night except fate.

You were there with her, Elena, you gave her peace and calm in those final moments, because she knew she wasn’t alone.

Nothing about what happened that night is your fault.

You need to release that guilt before it consumes you. ”

Her words created a fissure in my wall, and I broke down. She rocked me back and forth as my body shook. Time passed until I was finally drained of every emotion, leaving me numb inside her arms. My enervated body slumped into Clara’s hold.

“I just want to be normal,” I breathed. “I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know what the gods were thinking.”

Both of us sat back on our heels on the floor of my room.

Sweeping the tangled mess of my hair behind my ears, she used her sleeve to wipe away the tears from my face.

Gathering both of my hands within her own, she pinned me with a hard gaze.

“I want you to answer me honestly. What does it mean to be normal, Elena?”

“Well, it means that…it means that you’re?—”

Damn.

Ten minutes ago, I could have answered that question with all the certainty in the world.

I would have said, “ Normal is the opposite of me. It’s composed, calm, and most of all in control .

” However, the more I learned about the struggles this small group of Elysians had endured, I was realizing that wasn’t normal at all.

No one had complete control over their lives.

“Exactly. There is no right answer to that question, Lena, because there is no normal. Nothing about living, or our existence, is normal. It’s messy, complicated…” She sighed. “Sometimes it’s so damn painful that some of us feel like they’re too tired to even keep on existing in it.”

Declan . The pull in my chest throbbed at the thought of the man who was becoming such an important part of my life.

Clara’s eyes became glossy and red. “We all fight silent battles every day, whether we admit them or not. What we all need to realize is that those battles were never meant to be fought alone. There may be things that we need to work out within ourselves, such as forgiveness.” My shoulders fell under the scrutiny of her stare.

“Even then, we don’t have to do that on our own. ”

It had taken me long enough, but I was finally beginning to believe her words.

“Tell me, Lena, can you deny that it feels freeing to finally release the pain that you have been holding within you your entire life? Tell me that you don’t find a sense of comfort knowing that you don’t have to shoulder your secret alone anymore.”

Something had shifted within me tonight. Even though I was still struggling with the guilt and the shame of it all, I did feel like a small part of me had been unlocked. A link of metal had shattered away from the anchor that lived inside of me, the one that fought to hold me down.

Until I confessed to my father, I feared I’d never be fully healed. If I was honest, it might always be inside of me until I learned how to forgive myself. I yearned for the day when I could finally accept myself, broken parts and all.

A silent moment of empathy passed between us. Words evaded me, so instead I wrapped my arms around her. I might never be able to fully thank her for what she’d done for me tonight, but this was a start.

Clara still trembled in my arms, and I leaned back to get a better view of her face. “What’s wrong, Clara?” I brushed the hair dampened by tears away from her cheek.

“Forgiveness is hard for me as well. Being stuck in the castle, not being able to help my own mother, or Lenora…” Her voice was meek.

“Lena, there are people outside the castle walls at this very moment who are dying. I’ve tried every elixir, but all they need is a powerful Healer like me.

But they will never get that because I’m too much of a coward to challenge Alaric.

” Another sob hiccupped through her. “I’m so ashamed of myself. ”

A dangerous combination of sorrow and anger awoke my dynamis once more.

I was enraged that this wonderful woman in front of me felt like she was a failure because she couldn’t leave the castle to do what she was meant to do…

help others. It wasn’t right, but I was going to change that.

I was going to help Clara get closer to forgiving herself in the way she had helped me tonight.

“Let’s go tomorrow,” I said. Her eyes widened, and her body went still. “You, me, and Nayla. We’ll go in the cover of the night.”

“No, Lena. It’s too dangerous. If we were caught—no, we can’t. It’s impossible.”

“Nothing is impossible if you have the will to power through it. We can do this, and we will help those people.”

“B-but…if Alaric or Alastor catches you, your family, your town?—”

“Damn the consequences, Clara,” I said in a bold voice I’d never used before, full of confidence and clarity. “It’s time we start fighting for what is right and use our fear to push us through instead of holding us back. Tomorrow we take back control.”