Page 55 of Ride Me Cowboy (Coyote Creek Ranch #1)
“I’m saying I never did,” I lie, the words physically hurting to say.
But it’s what I have to do to set him free.
“I just got caught up in the fantasy of it all. I’m much happier back here.
” That one hurts almost as much. “Anyway, I guess I’ll keep this as a memory of the ranch.
” I lift the hat a little. I’m doing the right thing.
I can’t have him worrying about me. If love is about sacrifice, then this is one I’ll make for him.
“It’s nice seeing you again. You look good.
” I’m babbling now. “Say ‘hi’ to the others.” And I walk away quickly, back straight, shoulders squared, even when I can feel tears building and a sob ricocheting around in my chest, bouncing higher and higher to my throat.
But I refuse to cry when he’s watching. I refuse to ruin all of this by letting him see that I am so, so far from fine.
Love isn’t something you just feel, something you say. It’s something you do. It’s little acts, each and every day, and this is my act of love, for Cole. I hope he can get on with his life now, absolved of guilt, absolved of worry for me. Why should we both suffer?
Cole
If I hadn’t already known that I loved her, then that conversation would have really hammered it home to me. Because I’m standing in the middle of this fancy ass building, staring after her, with this feeling like I’ve been ripped apart.
I thought she might still be pissed at me. I thought she might not want to talk to me, because she’s so mad. I thought she might even have stopped loving me, because of what I did.
But I didn’t once think she might say that it was all a misunderstanding. That she never loved me at all.
And having had that gift in my hands and heart for three weeks or so, her ripping it away right now feels like I’ve been body slammed.
As she approaches the glass doors, a guy in the full concierge suit opens it, nodding at her as she passes. She gives him a half-wave without looking at him, without looking back. Without looking at me.
Then she’s out on Fifth Avenue, being swallowed up by a sea of people, disappearing from my sight.
I start to walk, quickly, long strides, over the tiles, my boots making staccato sounds until I approach the door.
Before the guy can reach for it, I’ve beat him to it, dragging it inwards and stepping out.
She turned left, so I do, too, scanning the crowd for her.
There are tourists, businesspeople, shoppers.
It’s like a damn cattle stampede out here.
A big family, the dad with a kid on his shoulders, the mom holding two other kids’ hands, while two gangly teenagers lope behind them, looking at their phones, pulls over so the mom can tie up one of the little kids’ shoes.
And in that moment, as they step to the side, I see her.
Rather, I see her back, in that insanely sexy dress, that dips down low to reveal half of her beautiful spine, making my mouth go dry even as I face the possibility that this was nothing but make believe.
Of course she doesn’t really love me.
Of course it was all just a misunderstanding.
The thing is, I came out here because of Beth.
Because no matter what she says now, back then, she was courageous in a way I wasn’t.
And nothing changes that. I still have to be brave, like she was.
She deserves to know how I feel, even if she doesn’t feel the same. Even if it doesn’t change anything.
Which it won’t.
I fully expect the shoe to be on the other foot now. For her to tell me she’s sorry, she just doesn’t feel that way. That’s not why I want to tell her. It’s just something I think she deserves to know. It’s something that Beth and Cole, as we were on the ranch, deserve.
I start to run, dodging people best I can, until I reach an intersection.
She’s veered off, down a side street. It’s less busy, so I spot her easily.
I see her stop walking, and move toward a building.
Rest her back against it, and drop her head.
I see her shoulders sag, and start to move, like she’s crying.
Oh, shit. She is crying. I run until I’m standing in front of her, staring at her. She glances up at me and there’s sheer panic on her face, like I’m the last person she expects to see.
She’s not okay.
She’s not okay.
Maybe she was until I got here, or maybe she wasn’t. I don’t know. But I need to do this, and see where the chips fall.
“I didn’t come here to give you back some stupid hat,” I mutter. “I messed up, Beth, and I think you know why. I think you understand what held me back. But there is no excuse that can justify hurting you. You are the woman I love. The only woman I’ve ever loved, and will ever love.”
She keeps sobbing. I grab her face in my hands.
“You are everything to me, and without you, by my side, on the ranch, in my life, it’s like the lights have all been turned off.
The world has no color. I came here to tell you that.
Because no matter what happens with us, you should know that all the time you thought you were falling in love with me, I was falling in love with you. ”
She shakes her head, like she doesn’t believe me.
“The harder I fell, the more I wanted to push you away, the more I clung to the fact you were leaving, but that’s only because I felt like my survival was all bound up in that.
” I swipe my thumb over her tears. “I was stupid. And wrong. Turns out, my life is bound up in you. Whether you want that or not, I at least wanted you to know.”
And then, belatedly realizing that I’m touching a woman who’s just told me she doesn’t love me, that could be crying because of her ex, for all I know, I take a quick step back, almost knocking over a guy in a suit.
I lift my hand in silent apology before turning back to Beth, who’s just slumped against the building, staring at me.
“I know this is a lot,” I grimace. “But I’m here two nights. If you wanna talk, or even just catch up, you have my number.” I want to kiss her. I want to hug her. To do something.
But I reckon I’ve done just about enough to this girl; now it’s up to her.
I offer a smile before I turn to leave, half expecting her to follow after me. She doesn’t.
At least, not until I reach the next corner. And then, I only know she’s there when she says, “Are you seriously just going to walk off on me?”