Page 6

CHAPTER FIVE

Cash

Sawyer was in big-time denial. Our friend group had gathered at The Rusty Hook to find out how he was handling working with his nemesis. Turned out, he was kissing him and calling it anger management.

I called him on that shit because he needed to face the truth.

“You’ve kissed this guy more than once. You liked it or you wouldn’t have kept doing it. Be real about what’s happening here.”

Sawyer chewed his bottom lip, looking conflicted. “Just because I like kissing him doesn’t mean I like him.”

“Maybe not, but it means you’re not straight,” I said. “Can you acknowledge that, at least?”

“Don’t rush him,” Brooks said. “Everyone has to define their own sexuality. You know that.”

I huffed. “Maybe I’m tired of waiting on other people to figure their shit out. Maybe I just want to kiss a guy and have him know what the fuck he wants.”

Okay, maybe I was projecting a little. Not two minutes ago, I’d seen Declan watching me. Then when I went to the bar, he’d seemed annoyed I was there. It was always this push-and-pull with him. Like the night I tried to kiss him. He’d swayed right into that kiss only to stumble back out of it.

He obviously didn’t know what the fuck he wanted. Just like Sawyer.

“Maybe I want to kiss a guy and know what the fuck I want too, man,” Sawyer protested. “It’s not that easy.”

“Sure it is, Sawyer. If I kissed you right now, you’d know.”

“No, I wouldn’t.”

“No?” I raised an eyebrow in challenge. “Then kiss me, bro. Kiss me and find out.”

Our friends were chiming in, but I wasn’t listening. I stared Sawyer down, daring him to admit the truth. He wanted to kiss Ash. He didn’t want to kiss me.

Come on, Sawyer. Tell me you don’t want to kiss me because you want him.

Sawyer grabbed my face and laid a hard kiss across my lips. My eyes widened in shock. He wasn’t supposed to call my bluff!

The kiss was weird. Like a wall was pressing against my lips. Just pressure and force without the attraction that normally went with it.

He shoved me back, breathing hard. “Nothing. I feel nothing.”

“Thanks, man,” I said dryly. “But you weren’t exactly inspiring me to write poetry, either.”

There was the loud screech of a chair, then stomping footsteps heading for the exit. When I glanced that way, Declan was slipping out the door.

“Shit,” I muttered, hopping up. “I’ll be back in a minute.”

My friends’ teasing over my Declan obsession followed me to the door. No doubt they’d be scheduling a “friendervention” for me any day now. Unlike Sawyer, I wouldn’t even fight it.

My stomach knotted up and my palms grew sweaty as I chased after a man who didn’t want me. Or maybe just said he didn’t? Either way, he was sure to be thinking all the wrong things about what he’d just seen.

“Declan, wait up a sec!” I called as I crossed the deck.

Declan jogged down the steps ahead of me, not slowing in the least. He headed for his boat at the dock, and I sped up to catch him before he could board.

I touched his arm. “Dec, please.”

Declan jerked away from my touch, but his face was infuriatingly blank when he turned toward me. “I should get back to the B&B.”

“About what you saw in there?—”

“None of my business,” he interrupted.

“It wasn’t serious,” I said, stepping closer to search his gaze.

I couldn’t tell what was going through his head, but I doubted it was anything good.

He shrugged. “Okay.”

“Okay? That’s it? You stormed out like you…”

He tensed. “Like what?”

I raked a hand through my hair, tugging a little at the messy strands. “Nothing. Just… I didn’t want you to get the wrong idea. That’s all.”

His smile was tight. “You don’t take anything seriously, Cash. It’s not exactly a surprise.”

I flinched back. “That’s not fair. I take a lot of things seriously. My life isn’t all rainbows and puppies.”

I’d told Declan more about my home situation than anyone. He’d shut down the kiss that night, but I still thought he’d seen the real me. The idea that he hadn’t hurt worse than I expected.

Declan winced. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”

I swallowed hard. “You’re honest, at least. I’ll give you that.”

“No, I was wrong to say that. I know your life is complicated, and I’m sorry about that. I just…” He turned toward the boat. “I need to go. Kiss whoever you like, Cash.”

“Right.” My chest tightened. “Well, unfortunately, I can’t kiss whoever I like. I tried once, and he rejected me.”

Declan kept his gaze on the water rather than me. A long silence stretched between us.

Well, I’d tried. But if Declan couldn’t admit he wanted me—despite the obvious jealousy—there was nothing more I could do.

I turned away. “Goodnight, Declan. Sorry to have bothered you.”

I made it two steps before his voice stopped me.

“It’s not that easy for me,” he said to my back.

“What do you mean?”

“The…kissing. Intimacy. It’s not?—”

I turned to face him, and he clammed up.

“Tell me,” I ordered. Then quickly tacked on, “Please.”

“You give out your affection so freely, Cash. To so many people. I don’t do that. I can’t be with someone who does that.” He smiled wanly. “You’d get bored with me in about two minutes, anyway.”

“What if you’re wrong?”

“I’m not wrong.” He reached for the ropes keeping his boat secured to the dock. “We’d only make each other miserable.”

I could have kept pushing, but there was no point. Declan saw me as a fuckboy who couldn’t get serious about life.

All these months flying solo, I’d proven to myself I was more than that. That I wanted more than that. I had thought that maybe Declan would see that, too.

But with all my concern over getting Declan to see me, I hadn’t really stopped to think about whether I saw the real him.

I thought maybe I did now—and for the first time.

A man who was vulnerable, wanting, but afraid to reach for happiness.

I rejoined my friends inside. Sawyer had taken off, no doubt eager to dive back into denial. Fisher was gone too, back to the loving arms of his boyfriend.

I could go home, but I had an empty twin bed and a house full of alcoholism and despair waiting for me. Not exactly an appealing option. Mom was off work tonight, so at least I didn’t have to worry about Katelyn.

Brooks lifted his eyebrows at me. “How’d that work out for you?”

“About as well as expected.” I slumped into a chair, defeated. “I kissed another guy in front of him. He thinks I’m a man whore.”

“He doesn’t think that,” Poppy said.

“He basically said as much. He used nicer words, of course, but that’s what he thinks. I give my affection freely and he can’t be with someone who does that.”

Skylar leaned forward, looking intrigued. “Does that mean he’d want to be with you if…”

“If I wasn’t a huge slut?” I smiled deprecatingly. “Maybe.”

I could have sworn we had a connection. Despite the rejections, there was just something about the way he looked at me. Then again, maybe my ego just didn’t know when to accept defeat.

Poppy tilted her head. “He said he couldn’t be with someone like that. But is that because of you or him?”

“What do you mean?”

“Maybe it’s not about you, Cash,” Poppy said. “Think about it. If someone pursued me, I’d shut them down. It wouldn’t be because of their faults. It would be because I don’t…I can’t… be with them that way.”

“You’re saying he’s ace?”

“I don’t know that he is,” Poppy said patiently. “We don’t have a secret club or anything. I’m just saying, it’s possible that Declan isn’t judging you or rejecting you. Maybe he’s just doing what’s right for him.”

I pushed out my bottom lip. “That’s even worse.”

“Why is that worse?” Skylar asked.

“Because I can’t even be upset with him for shooting me down for the hundredth time,” I said.

“Aw, poor baby,” Brooks crooned. “You’re going to have to accept that not every person in the entire world wants you.”

I smiled crookedly. “Well, I had to accept that when Skylar chose you, didn’t I?”

“Eh, Brooks just got to me first,” Skylar said. “You never had a chance.”

Brooks jabbed him in the ribs, and Skylar jerked away with a laugh, then apologized profusely as Brooks tortured him with tickles. By the time Brooks had dragged him into an incredibly X-rated kiss, Poppy had already made her excuses and fled the scene.

I watched, waiting for some spark of arousal, but nope. There was nothing. Just standing near a man who didn’t want me made my dick half hard, but watching Brooks and Skylar suck face?

Boring.

I tossed a few bucks on the table as a tip and pushed my chair back. “Well, I’m going home to jerk off over the man who ruined me with half a kiss.”

Brooks and Skylar broke apart.

“Half a kiss?” Brooks asked.

I waved that off. “Long story.”

“I bet,” he murmured.

Skylar directed a sympathetic smile my way. “You don’t know that Poppy is right. Maybe he does just need to see how you’ve changed.”

I lifted a shoulder. “Not much more I can do to display that. Though, obviously, kissing Sawyer in front of him didn’t help. He says he wasn’t jealous, but…”

“Maybe he was?” Skylar suggested.

“I guess it doesn’t matter since he’s decided I’m all wrong for him.”

Brooks frowned. “I wish I had something more helpful to say. Sawyer hates Ash, and he’s kissing him on the regular. Sometimes shit just doesn’t make sense until it does. I mean, look at me. I never once thought I’d end up with a guy.”

“But you were a goner for Sky almost right away,” I said. “Declan’s had all year to come around.”

Brooks looked pained. “Everyone moves at their own pace?”

I chuckled. “In that case, maybe I’ll get lucky in ten years.” I pushed my chair in. “Goodnight, guys. See you at work next week.”