Page 30 of Resist Me Not (Bloody Desires #4)

Chapter sixteen

WALKER

T he first time Detective Clancy contacts me again, I miss the call and only notice when I see his voicemail.

“Did you know this is not the first time Mr. Fisher has been a person of interest after someone went missing, Doctor Hammond? I think it would be best if we had another conversation. And I think deep down you do too.”

Fuck that.

And fuck him!

The successive times he contacts me afterward, I miss those calls on purpose and only listen to the messages to make sure he doesn’t know anything important enough to force me to go see him.

He can’t force me, and I don’t have to answer his calls if he doesn’t have any evidence, no probable cause, no nothing.

He just has a hunch he won’t let go, and he isn’t stopping, so he’s trying to goad me into messing up and giving something away to corroborate his guess.

His guess, which is 100% correct that Trey had something to do with Curtis’s disappearance.

If I am really not going to turn Trey in, I need Detective Clancy to stop. I keep telling myself he’ll grow tired eventually without progress, but he keeps calling. He needs to stop —or Trey will make sure he is the next person who disappears.

I can’t let that happen. If I can stop Trey from harming another innocent person, it feels somehow less wrong to keep his secret, to let him keep doing what he does, and to keep being with him and letting him take care of me.

It’s all awful and selfish, I know, but if eleven out of twelve doctors agree, there has to be something to vigilante justice.

Right?

Nothing about how things are progressing is making me feel better.

Well, Trey sticking around while he finishes writing his current article is nice.

He doesn’t have to immediately head out again for his next assignment.

But since he’s staying with me, when he goes out, I’m always second-guessing what he’s doing, even though he promised me he won’t go after anyone in this city anymore, at least not for a long while, because it would be too dangerous too close together— unless he has to , of course.

Unless he has to.

Having a live-in boyfriend to offer massages with happy endings when studying has me tied up in knots is nice, but the time for studying is almost done, and the real tests and real fellowship is about to begin.

I’m still eager for that, still so excited, because it’s the work I’ve been planning to devote myself to for so long.

It’s some good I can put back into the world.

So, given my free days are limited, I leave Trey in my apartment to his writing and planning of wherever his next assignment will take him, and head to the hospital to visit Noah—with Zappy in tow.

I’d gotten a few messages from Doctor Aldrin finally, just the occasional update on Noah’s progress, upcoming tests and options for the family.

I actually start to get a call from her just as I’m stepping up to the hospital doors.

I don’t answer since I’ll be able to talk to her in person in a few minutes.

Noah had another set of tests scheduled for this morning.

I didn’t think they’d be done yet, but maybe they finished early.

I actually have an extra plushie for Noah. I found this smiling rainbow on a cloud with the sun behind it like it’s wearing the sun as a hat, and my gay little heart couldn’t resist. Plus, I figure I owe the kid to make up for being absent and taking so long to return Zappy.

My phone buzzes again as I’m going up the elevator, and I’m worried it might be Detective Clancy, but it’s Doctor Aldrin again.

The elevator doors open and a sinking feeling settles into my gut as I step out—and see her at the desk on this floor where she is calling me from.

The elevator lets off fairly close to Noah’s room, and I can see his parents holding Emma just outside the door, holding each other and crying.

Doctor Aldrin’s eyes meet mine as I near her, and she hangs up the phone to meet me.

“What happened?” I ask with a choke in my voice.

“Noah went into cardiac arrest this morning,” she answers plainly. Evenly. Not cold, never cold, but to some people maybe us doctors do sound cold sometimes, but because we have to, or we’ll start crying with everybody else.

“The tests today—”

“We didn’t get to the tests, Walker. Time of death was called half an hour ago.”

Time of death…

If she hadn’t said it, I could have foolishly held onto the hope that he’d somehow pulled through, that it was bad, but not hopeless.

“As soon as I had a chance to call you, I wanted to update you,” she continues. “There’s not much more to be done for the family right now but to let them grieve.”

I’m holding two plushies like an absolute idiot and I can’t move. Doctors can say all day long that we try to not get attached, but how can we not? It’s a person. A living person who is not living anymore.

He was just a kid. One we should have been able to help, but we couldn’t figure it out in time.

“Walker? Hey .” Doctor Aldrin’s hand on my arm brings my gaze back to her instead of on the family, who just noticed me and offered sympathetic smiles like I need the comfort as much as they do, and fuck .

I guess I do, because my vision is blurry.

“Walker…” she prompts again, softer, “if you need an extension, a delay before your fellowship starts, we can offer that. A week? A month? I know Noah was special to you.”

My fellowship starts next week. Like four days from now. I’m supposed to be a big boy neck-deep in my specialty in four fucking days.

But if I postpone…

No. I can’t do that.

“I can’t,” I say aloud to Doctor Aldrin. “This is something I’m going to have to learn to live with, right? To move on from and not let the job suffer? I need to get used to this happening and push ahead no matter how much it hurts. It has to be about them, and the next them, and the next, not me.”

Doctor Aldrin squeezes my shoulder. “Good boy.”

Fuck , that hits weird now hearing it from anyone other than Trey. But it also still kind of makes me feel better.

“That is the right answer,” she says, “but I know it doesn’t make this easier. You don’t need to be here right now, so offer your condolences if you want, but then go. Take some time. Get ready for the long haul.” She squeezes my shoulder again before leaving me to my thoughts.

Of course I am going to go over and offer my condolences, I just need a moment, a few breaths to make sure I don’t pull all the attention onto me by having a panic attack in the middle of work.

I have never done that. When it’s the job, I have always been able to push through and be okay.

But Noah reminded me so much of… me. I just wanted him to be okay too.

I close my eyes and take in one last sobering breath before opening them and taking a step toward the family.

I don’t need to though because they have headed toward me and Emma is walking ahead of her parents, carrying the little gray owl plushie, Doctor Hoot, that Noah always had with him for tests.

“Hey, Emma.” I drop down to be more on her level as she reaches me.

“You’re late,” she says, and fuck, doesn’t that ready the waterworks again.

“I know. I am so sorry. I wish I’d given this guy back to Noah before…” I can’t say it, but I try to pass the matcha to Emma.

“Y-you need to keep him now. And Doctor Hoot.” She thrusts the owl into my arms.

“I can’t—”

“Noah would want you to, ’cause he always said… you were a hoot .” She laughs at the joke but it dissolves into more tears, for her and for me.

“Okay,” I say, sniffling as I adjust the plushies in my arms, so I can hold out the rainbow to her. “But maybe you can hang onto this one for me. Either you keep it or you could… let it be for Noah.”

I glance up at the parents who have come closer but are still letting this be a moment for Emma, who is holding up way better than she should have to. They nod, like they appreciate my small gesture. They’re being far stronger than they should have to be too.

Emma hesitates but eventually takes the rainbow.

“I guess it would be nice for him to have one to, um… go with him.” The well bursts, and though she clutches the rainbow to her chest as she sobs, she turns and falls into her parents’ arms, which she knows will be there to catch her.

We’re all crying too much for me to actually say how sorry I am, but I say it as much as I can through my water-logged vision.

Their nods and valiant smiles at the exchange that just occurred are about the best I can hope for after a patient is lost. They have every right to be angry, if not at me or Doctor Aldrin then at the universe.

I’m angry. I am so fucking angry that when I finally leave the hospital, carrying two plushies still but a different set, a sort of numbness fills me that might be resolution.

Because if in this fucked up world a kid like Noah can die for no reason, when everything was done to try to save him, shouldn’t someone tip the scales when a person who does deserve to die gets to go on living?

I make it back to my apartment and just sort of fall against the outside of my door. The thud must alert Trey, because he opens it a few moments later and basically has to catch me from tipping forward.

“What happened?” he asks, as soothing and as sweet as always. I think he notices the plushies and just gets it somehow, because before I can answer, he says, “I am so sorry, Walker.”

That just makes me cry all over again, as Trey ushes me inside and sits me on the sofa. I’m still hugging the plushies. I kind of don’t want to let them go. “I wish I could be anywhere but here this weekend. My fellowship starts on Monday, Monday , and I can’t postpone it, I can’t—”

“What if we went away this weekend?”

“What?” I blink up at him, up because I’m leaning against him while hugging a couple stuffed animals like a kid. “Seriously? Where would we go?”

“How about to my mother’s?”