I stared out the window, taking in the view of Honeyville. I wished I felt more secure taking it in like Riley. I always felt like a cold hand was wrapped around my neck, and I was waiting for something to happen. It was a constant feeling and was starting to get the better of me. I hardly slept, and when I did, I was plagued with nightmares.
My fingers tightened on the mug in my hands, and I swallowed. I chewed on my lower lip, a new habit I'd picked up. It came with the inability to sleep and the anxiety.
I glanced over my shoulder, checking the door to my apartment, making sure it was locked. Even though I knew I had locked it last night and checked it when I got up to make my coffee, I still felt the need to make sure it was bolted and that if someone wanted to get in, they wouldn’t be able to enter.
"You're fixating," I tell myself, shaking my head. "You need to stop."
It was one of the reasons I moved out of Cayden and Riley's place. I didn't want them to figure out just how messed up Ivan had left me. If they knew, they would have wanted to help, but there wasn't anything they could do. I had to figure that out myself, and I needed time to.
And I knew they wanted the space. They would have housed me a lot longer than a month, but I could sense the sexual tension between them. They wanted to be together a lot more than they were, and I knew they would never kick me out. So, I took the chance.
So, when the apartment opened up down here, I snagged it. It was empty, and I didn't have much furniture, but it was my own. The last time I had my own room was growing up, but even then, my mother decorated it. She had to add her own personal taste to everything. Nothing was ever really mine, including here.
The apartment was small but spacious. It had an open floor plan, so everything flowed together nicely. A small hallway led to the bathroom and the bedroom.
I had the fireplace going next to me and sighed as I looked down at my coffee. I rubbed my thumb over the rim. It was terrible coffee because I'd run out of creamer. But I was too damn lazy to go out. I held out as long as I could, not wanting to leave the apartment if I didn't need to.
It had snowed again last night, coating the balcony. I stared at it, taking in the thick white blanket that covered everything. I used to enjoy the snow, and now...well...I didn't feel anything. I hated Ivan a little more for that.
I looked down at my phone just as it rang. Riley was calling, and I smiled. She was the sunshine during all of this.
I pulled my phone up. "Hello?"
"You are awake? I was beginning to think that you were hibernating. I called you last night, but you didn't answer."
I didn't want to tell her I'd gone to bed extremely early last night and lay there for two hours before getting up this morning. I slept maybe five hours last night, unable to calm my mind.
"Well, you know me. Enjoying the new space to myself. I'm not listening to people moaning as they climax anymore."
Riley snorted. "Glad to see you still have your sarcasm with you. What were your plans today? And don't tell me you're staying home."
I looked around my space, taking in the emptiness. I knew I should probably do some shopping, but I wasn't motivated to do so. "I don't have any plans."
I should be making plans, looking for a job, and wanting to make the apartment look nice. I should go out and buy stuff that represents my taste. And I need groceries. But staying in knowing I’m safe sounded better.
"Well, I think since Cayden is going to be working late tonight, I thought we could have a movie night at yours. Popcorn and girl talk. We haven't done that in a while."
I glanced around my space towards the top of the fireplace. It was where a TV should sit, but I didn't have one. "You know I don't have a TV."
Riley was quiet for a moment. "Wait, still? You said you were going to go out and buy one a week ago. Why didn't you go out?"
I shrugged. "I've been busy."
"Doing what?" she asked.
I paused. If I told her I hadn't really left the apartment or done anything else, she'd worry, and she had enough on her plate. I didn't need her to worry about me when she was still pulling herself back together after Brad. "I was contemplating the size."
"Jesus, April, it's a TV. It's not like you were going out to buy bedding and redecorate. It's a TV. Just pick a TV and buy it."
I sighed. "I was going out to buy one. I'll have one by tonight."
"Great. And make sure you have popcorn."
I sighed, ended the call, and looked outside again. It looked cold, and now I had to embrace it. I had to get a TV, or else Riley was going to catch on that I wasn't really getting my life together.
I bundled up and made my way outside. My car was parked in the parking lot, coated in snow. I cleaned it off and let the car warm up as I did. I stared at my license plate, scowling at it. I needed to get it changed since I had officially left my old pack.
Cayden said he would take care of it, but he'd been busy with Riley's pregnancy and getting their apartment ready. They were contemplating moving because they wanted more space but weren't sure if now was the time. They wanted a couple of kids, so they would need to move at some point.
It seemed everyone was moving on while I was stuck in the past. I was stuck, unsure what to do with my life or how to move on. I had spent so long with Ivan and pleasing him that I didn't know how to change that. When did life become so complicated?
"Morning, April."
I jumped and turned to spot my neighbor, Livianna, standing on the sidewalk. She was a sweet old lady, nosey at times but harmless. I think she’s just lonely and needs someone to talk to.
"Morning, Liv," I said, giving her a wave.
"You okay? You look a little off."
I shook it off, knowing better. If I were going to have issues, I would have them at home, not in public. I shook my head, forcing a smile. "Nope, just dandy. You should head inside where it's warm."
Liv smiled. "I am. You stay warm out there." Liv turned, heading inside, and I felt the smile slip.
I turned, jumped into my car, and blasted the music up. I closed my eyes, letting the vibrations soak over me.
I headed to the furniture store, figuring I might as well look for some other things as well as a TV. I ended up finding a new mattress and some bedside tables. Everything would be delivered in a few days. I had thought of buying more but didn’t. A small part of me even wondered if I really wanted to stay here.
I stopped and bought a TV with my groceries. I left the TV in the car, figuring that Cayden could bring it up for me when he came around.
I headed inside, tired and cold. I wanted to crawl into bed and sleep, but I knew better. It was only three in the afternoon, so I needed to stay away. Riley would be over in probably two hours, and Cayden would be home in about an hour.
I stepped off the elevator and paused when I noticed someone was standing in front of my door. I scowled, knowing not many people knew I lived there. Cayden and his friends knew, but none of them had just stopped by and certainly would hang around. If anything, they would have gone upstairs to Cayden's apartment.
I walked closer, and my body felt cold as I realized it was Ivan. He had his hands stuffed into his pocket, and his hair was a mess. He looked like shit, and as I got closer, I could smell the booze seeping out of him.
I wrinkled my nose, and his head popped up, his eyes on me. I stopped walking and stood a foot away from him. The smell seemed to fill the hallway, and I wondered just how drunk he was. "What are you doing here?" I asked, tightening my grip on my groceries.
He scowled. "Why are you staying here?" His eyes couldn't stay on me, and his words were slurred.
"Because I live here now."
"You don't though. You know you belong back at home."
I shook my head. "No, I left the pack. And I already signed the divorce papers. There is no reason that you are here, Ivan. Please leave." I stepped towards my door, but Ivan did as well. I stiffened as his arm reached up, stopping me.
I suddenly couldn't breathe. I felt ice course through my body, and I stepped back.
His voice dripped low, and his nostrils flared. "I'm not leaving. We had a life together, April! You can't just decide that we're over and wipe your hands clean. You are still part of the pack, and if need be, I’ll bring this to the alpha’s attention and have him request you returned."
"You fucked another woman in our bed," I snarled back. "Don't you dare act like you're the victim here! You cheated on me! And you treated me like garbage. You acted like I was made to…" I didn't finish the sentence.
"You were made to be my wife," he growled at me. "You and I both know it."
I hated how he said it. I shook my head. "You need to leave. I said my peace."
"Oh yes, you said plenty. It's my turn to talk now." He stepped closer, and my back hit the wall. One of the bags slammed into the wall, and suddenly, the hold I had was gone. The groceries tumbled, clattering loudly around us.
A memory of being pinned against the wall in the kitchen hit me. It was the night I left to come back here. I didn't even realize his hands grabbed my hair. My head hit the ground so hard that I saw stars. He was screaming, but I couldn't move.
I woke up in the hospital. My head pounded, and Ivan paced around the room. I remembered how my heart raced in fear when he realized I was awake.
And then the promises started.
I didn't mean it.
I'm sorry.
I made a mistake. Can't you forgive me?
I swear I'll never do this again.
Don't leave me.
It was the same thing. Ivan had a drinking problem and took it out on me. I couldn't remember the amount of times I'd tucked my tail and gone back. That was what I was supposed to do. I was raised to be a good wife and a doting mother. I was raised to take whatever Ivan gave me and never complain.
But that wasn't my life anymore. Everything fell apart the moment I caught him with another woman, and I realized I didn't have just to accept that life.
And I wasn't there anymore. I was here. I was safe, and Ivan couldn't hurt me. Right?
I took a deep breath in and curled my hands into fists. "You need to leave. We aren't back in our old town. You're in my brother's territory, and I'm warning you, you don't want to piss him off. So, get out. While I'm asking nicely."
Ivan's nostrils flared once more, and his eyes narrowed on me. I watched his jaw clench, and I knew he wanted to yell. He was seconds away from doing so.
And then I heard a door open. "April, you okay out here? I heard a noise."
Liv stood in her doorway, looking worried at me. Her eyes quickly jumped from me to Ivan and then back to me.
I looked away from Ivan and nodded my head at Liv. "I'm okay, Liv. Just dropped my groceries, is all."
Liv looked back at Ivan, her eyes narrowing slightly. "And he is?"
"Leaving," I said quickly, looking at Ivan. "He was leaving. Just stopped in to ask me a question, is all."
Ivan stared at me, and after a moment, he took a step back. "I'll be back."
"Don't," I said as he turned, heading down the hallway. I watched him walk away until he got onto the elevator, and then I exhaled.
"Are you sure you're okay?" Liv asked, and I looked back at her, nodding my head. I was fine. The last thing I needed was for Riley or Cayden to find out about what was happening. She was exactly the type of person to tell them.
"I'm fine." I reached down, grabbed my groceries, and unlocked my door. I hurried inside, feeling my legs give out as soon as I did.
I covered my mouth, feeling tears burn my eyes. I took a deep breath, feeling a panic attack taking hold of me.
I hated it. I hated how everything came rushing back and how my body tensed up. I wished I fought back. The old me would have fought back. But he'd changed me. He'd ruined me.
I started to cry, squeezing my eyes shut, wishing I could disappear. But I knew it wouldn't, and I worried I'd never be the old me again.