Page 35

Kylie

The adjustment to connecting with my lycan was not as instant as I had thought.

She was there, deep inside me, and knowing I could call on her was reassuring.

Some days, reaching out to her was easy, but drawing on her energy and strength took some getting used to.

While walking through the cabin, I’d forget how to connect with her, leaving my body too exhausted and on the floor by the time Charlotte and Nathaniel came home.

They took it upon themselves to teach me more ways to connect with my lycan. One of these methods was meditation.

“Find your center, Kylie. Focus on your breathing and reach out to your lycan,” Charlotte coached me.

Sitting on the soft grass outside the cabin with my legs crossed, hands on my knees, eyes closed, and inhaling the warm breeze, I wasn’t sure if I could.

My past attempts hadn’t been consistent.

I didn’t know what was wrong with me, but I couldn’t maintain the connection like I thought I would.

My heart raced as I feared I might never master this and doom my child to have a weak mother—someone who couldn’t teach them how to do this because I couldn’t do it myself.

My breathing became erratic, as if I couldn’t catch my breath.

My eyes flew open as my hand clutched my chest. Lycans didn’t die of heart attacks, but it sure as hell felt like one as I leaned forward, gasping for air.

“Kylie… Kylie! Look at me, sweetheart. Deep breaths. What’s going on?” Charlotte called out to me, her hands on my shoulders.

It seemed as though there were two of her as my vision swirled. Tears rolled down my face as I struggled to regain control of my breathing. My lycan felt as if she were in a cage, ramming against it to reach me. This hadn’t been this hard before, so why was it so difficult now?

“Breathe, Kylie. Deep breath in, deep breath out. Listen to my voice and follow my command,” Charlotte’s words washed over me, a hint of her power laced within to make my body listen.

It was the only thing that worked. The deep breaths came and went; slowly, my heart calmed, and my breathing returned to normal.

I leaned back and let my weight hit the grass.

It felt cool to the touch, helping to ease the layer of sweat that had formed on my skin.

The sky looked bluer than ever on that clear day, and I chose to focus on it as I grounded myself.

This was going to be much harder than I thought.

Even now, my lycan remained retreated inside me as if she were afraid to come out.

What is wrong with us? Why are you retreating when I finally brought you to the surface?

She didn’t answer. I could hear her faint whimpers inside me, and I wished I understood what was going on.

A small growl escaped me. Charlotte hovered over my face to look at me, and I let out a sigh. This wasn’t going as planned. I really wished I understood why I had so much trouble connecting with my lycan.

My hands went to my stomach, the small bump now protruding enough for me to see past it.

I could feel the baby kick now, and it brought me more joy than I could imagine, feeling the life I created rolling around inside me.

A soft breeze swept through, and breathing in its warm scent, carrying hints of the nearby woods, brought me to a place where I felt I could breathe.

It’s been hard the last few months. If I didn’t have Charlotte and Nathaniel, I didn’t know where I would be.

Even now, Charlotte was at my side, whispering calming words to me so I could become grounded enough to continue the exercise.

My pup kicked me, and I smiled at my stomach.

It felt so strong already, determined to show me they wanted me to fight as they kicked and punched me from the inside.

It was something I didn’t think I’d grow used to, but every time I felt like giving up, they were there to remind me why I fought so hard to get here in the first place.

Sure enough, I felt the cage unlock on my lycan once more.

It was slow, but I could feel her energy replenishing everything I had lost during my panic attack.

It was like a comforting hug from the inside, the warmth of her presence enveloping me.

Almost as if she moved too quickly, she would startle me; she inched her way through my system until I could feel her just under my skin.

Something about it made me feel like I could shift right now if I wanted to, but I didn’t see a point in doing that.

Soon enough, I felt the edge of the panic attack disappear.

There you are.

Yes. It feels good to be out of that cage.

How did you end up in there? We were making progress, and then it was like you retreated into it.

Fear will always cage you from being the person you are meant to be.

Those words struck me hard. I hadn’t realized I was the reason my lycan had been caged.

After that initial night, it scared the hell out of me to feel her so connected with me.

I had spent too long without her, even though I knew my lycan should always be part of me.

Too many conflicting thoughts caused me to fear her presence, even though I knew she was meant to be part of me.

I’m sorry. So much is changing in my life. It’s hard not to fear it.

Change is scary, but that is what I am here for.

I know. I’ll do better.

Even feeling my lycan reconnecting with me helped ease the fear of carrying the pup inside me.

Every time I didn’t feel connected with my other half, it made me want to throw up.

It grew worse knowing I was still hiding from Maximus.

The rogue territory felt like the safest place for me, but what if he learned where I was and came here?

Maximus was a fair and noble king, but would he still be that way after I ran from him?

“There you go. I can hear your heartbeat slowing down.”

I looked over at Charlotte and smiled. It was hard growing up without a mother, and she stepped into the role as if I had always been her daughter.

It felt amazing to have someone in my corner for once.

A chill still ran down my spine at the thought of my father.

Even now, my heart would stop at the mere mention of him.

It was definitely a good thing he was on the other side of the kingdom and not near me.

If he were to walk through this territory, I might die of fright.

Nonsense. I am here. We have friends who would defend us, too.

I sighed. You’re right about that.

“Yeah. The breathing worked.”

Her smile grew. “And your connection to your lycan is strong again. Hopefully, we can keep her connected. Focus on your breathing and keep her close. I’ll drag you to the clinic if you collapse on me again.”

The clinic wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.

The pack doctor in my father’s pack didn’t know how to treat me, but the one here seemed to understand better how to help someone who had trouble connecting with their lycan.

He treated me as if I were human instead and did his best to guide me through things to help at home.

There wasn’t much for the sickness, but the antacids helped with the nausea.

“I know. Though I’m wondering if I should go back to them.”

Charlotte looked at me with concern. “Is something wrong?”

This wasn’t something I liked to discuss, especially with Charlotte, since she could be overprotective at times.

With my connection to my lycan not being as strong as it should be, the thought of delivering the baby with a weak connection scared the hell out of me.

I feared I would end up dying during it because my lycan might not be there to help me heal.

Sure, humans delivered babies without medication and without the rapid healing lycans had.

However, I was always in this strange state of being worse off than a human because my lycan was weaker compared to the others.

The healing factor didn’t apply to me. What if, because of the disconnect, something went horribly wrong?

Even human women died in childbirth. The female body was an amazing thing and could do something male bodies couldn’t.

It didn’t make them immortal, though. If anything went wrong while delivering this pup, I wouldn’t get to see my child grow up.

That thought alone caused tears to well up, and Charlotte pulled me into her lap.

“Shh. What is wrong, sweetie?”

I sniffled a few times, trying to find the words to explain what I was thinking.

Charlotte had never had kids, so she wouldn’t understand what this fear was like.

How could I tell this badass woman that I feared going into labor?

That I wouldn’t walk out of this because I felt like a weak moron who thought she could do this?

“This has been so hard. I’ve been so sick throughout every stage of the pregnancy, and I’m only now getting to the point where I can connect with my lycan to help me through this.

I don’t even know if I have a strong enough connection to give birth?

” I sobbed into her shoulder, and she ran her hand through my hair.

“What if I don’t make it? What if I give birth and bring this life into the world but die and leave them all alone? ”

Charlotte softly chuckled and pushed me out of her embrace just enough for me to look at her.

Her blue eyes stared into mine, and I could see the strength I wished I had within them.

Even the years of wisdom flickered in her gaze as she looked at me.

Her power washed over me, bringing a sense of calm from the safety I felt within it.

“Do we need to have this talk again? You are so much stronger than you know. I promise you, things will be easier than you think. Your lycan is here. She is strong. Stronger than you realize.”

She wasn’t wrong about that. Now that I could feel my lycan again, the strength I had felt missing throughout my life was inside me.

It wasn’t the strength I felt from others, like those who weren’t omegas and carried a power that made others bow to them.

This was different—just the strength that came with surviving the worst things we could have gone through.

“Am I going to say it will be easy? No. Giving birth to a child is an incredible thing. It’s also a scary as hell thing to go through. Lycans don’t have nearly as many complications as humans, but they can still occur.”

Another sniffle. “What if my connection with my lycan fails during it, and I don’t get to see my baby grow up?”

She smiled at me. “Do you want to see your pup grow up?”

“Of course I do! Why would you ask me such a thing?”

Charlotte moved me off her lap and helped me to my feet.

“Then you will focus on that if things go wrong. Think of seeing their little face and watching them become this amazing person because you brought them into this world. You will tell yourself you will live, and you will find strength you never thought you could have within those words when you need it most.”

“It’s that simple?”

She smiled, but I could see a fleeting expression of concern beneath her smiling face. There was something she wasn’t telling me.

“No. Nothing in life is ever that simple, I’m afraid.

Sometimes, life throws things at you that no amount of positive thinking will help.

But it should never stop you from telling yourself you can overcome anything life throws at you.

You can persevere if you want that outcome.

I’ve used that method throughout my life to achieve many things I wanted.

Though sometimes, life can be cruel and take that from you anyway. ”

Charlotte looked down at my stomach and smiled, but there was a flicker of another emotion on her face again—something shadowed and sad. She reached out and placed her hand on my stomach. The baby kicked, and her smile brightened, but not with the usual joy I had seen when she felt the baby move.

It took me far too long to realize what was going on.

Charlotte and Nathaniel had always said that children just didn’t happen for them.

I had assumed they meant it was because life had gotten in the way—that they’d been too busy.

I hadn’t understood that it was because a child had been taken from them.

“What happened?” I whispered.

Charlotte looped her arm through mine and began walking down the main path that wound through the territory.

“There was a time when I shared your exact thoughts. Nathaniel and I were supposed to have a pup. A boy, actually. Everything was fine throughout the pregnancy. No sickness or anything. Everyone thought they would meet the future of the pack, but then something went wrong during the delivery.” Her voice became strained, and I could see the tears glistening in her eyes.

“I told myself things would work out. That I would see my baby grow up when all the alarms were blaring on the machines. We still don’t know what happened.

None of the scans showed anything wrong, but our little boy didn’t make it. ”

Tears ran down my face, and I pulled Charlotte into a hug. There weren’t any weeping or sobs like I expected. She just held me as tightly as she could with my belly in the way and sighed.

“I won’t ever lie to you, Kylie. That day, I felt myself slipping during the delivery.

I could have died along with my pup, and most days, I wish I had.

I fought to see my baby in my arms when I felt myself fading from this world.

I survived, but he did not. It wasn’t anyone’s fault.

Because I fought to see him, I am here. I made peace with that, and I am okay now.

My destiny may not have been to be his mother, but the Moon Goddess certainly knows what she is doing.

I am here for you. I lost something precious, but I am gaining another I never expected to have. ”

My throat was dry from the emotions crashing through me. I never would have expected her to share any of that. Charlotte always felt like she should have been a mother, and now I understood why. She should have been, but fate had been cruel. It had taken that from her.

The Moon Goddess gave her to us for a reason.

Yes, she did.

“So, before you try to tell me you feel bad or guilty, remember this: reminding myself that I would live—that I had to live—is what kept me from losing myself to the darkness. That truth will help you, too. I will live.”

I nodded and gave her a smile.

“Now, let’s take you to the doctor and see if there is anything else we can do to keep your lycan connected to you. Maybe they can even find something else to help make the sickness go away.”

Yes. And just as Charlotte said, I will live.