Page 52 of Rebound

“Everything looks good and your baby is doing exactly what they should be doing. Would you like to hear the heartbeat?”

“Yes, please,” I force out through the emotions clogging my throat and the doctor smiles.

She taps a few buttons and a steady beat echoes in the room. My knees almost give out and I grab the edge of the bed as I close my eyes. The sound is music to my ears and I smile as tears slide down my cheeks. I shake my head, unable to process that this is real.

“Congratulations, Mom and Dad.”

Eighteen. Not a good idea

Tamara

Emotions are high today and I shouldn’t be surprised. For one, as Dr. Gopalan rubbed the wand over my belly, the baby started to move. Secondly, Patrick cried. He’s always been very attuned to his emotions, so it didn’t catch me off guard. It was still very disarming to see this large man buckle at the knees as tears streamed down his face.

I mostly felt a sense of relief. The fear of a second miscarriage was what triggered my panic the other day and now that I’ve seen the baby move, heard their heartbeat and know they’re doing okay, I’m exhausted from all the worry I’ve been holding inside me. The word failure echoed in my head after I lost the baby three years ago and going through that again would probably break me.

If that’s not enough, I’m still reeling from the easy way Patrick held me when Dr. Gopalan took us through what the testing was for. Unlike him, I don’t let the world see my emotions or feelings. I don’t like pity and sympathy. I got too much of it when I was a kid after my parents died, I hate the way it makes me feel. Patrick didn’t do any of that. He tugged me into his lap, held and reassured me. And meant it. We’d talked about it enough that he was aware of my basic fears. Telling him about the miscarriage is on my list, but it’s not something I want to relive right now.

Besides, I feel safe with him and talking about my past relationship is the opposite of that. I want us to savour this, enjoy knowing our baby is healthy and growing.

This moment of vulnerability has made me very aware of the fact that we’re behaving like a couple. For the next six months, we’re not even coparenting. I don’t want either of us being confused by what this means or how we’re moving forward. We can’t ignore all the lines I’ve drawn and my transparent walls are reverting to their original state. I have to protect myself first, and that means doing my best to keep Patrick at a distance. I don’t know if it’ll work, but I have to try.

It’s pretty clear not even an eight-year relationship with someone else can erase the impact Patrick had on me. I can’t forget my first love or the heartbreak that followed.

Exhaling shakily, I force my body to relax and look across the table at Patrick. Dr. Gopalan gave us copies of the sonogram and a prescription for my vitamins. She gave me this list at my first appointment and knows I haven’t done anything about it. So she handed it to Patrick this time, fully aware he’s the adult in this situation. I’ve never liked taking medication and as a kid almost choked on a tablet. Now I have to psyche myself to swallow painkillers during a bad IBS episode.

Afterwards, I suggested we stop for lunch because I’m starving. Even though he made us breakfast, my stomach feels empty. The pregnancy books did warn me I’d be hungry often, need to pee a lot and the exhaustion never goes away. For someone who works as much as I do, all of this sounds very inconvenient. So we’re sitting at a small café not too far from the clinic. I’m done with my iced tea, but Patrick hasn’t touched his coffee yet.

He’s too busy staring at the sonogram.

My phone pings continuously from inside my bag, but I take my time retrieving it from deep inside the tote. The CUNTS group is overflowing with messages and I smile as I scroll through them.

Krys

HELLO.

Millie

IS ANYBODY THERE?

Vera

HELLOOOOO.

Krys

We need an update, Tamamama!

Millie

Did we get the date and time wrong?

Vera

No, today is the day. Maybe they had to wait?

Krys

Fuck, I remember them making me and Venkat wait when I was pregnant the first time.