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He reached beneath the table and squeezed her thigh to ease her discomfort.

“Once again, forgive me. I would never want you to feel uncomfortable because I was listening to my mind. Regarding us, you have nothing to worry about. I hope you know how I feel about you.” Her expression looked even more uncertain than it did moments ago.

He wasn’t helping the situation. He may have turmoil within his brain, but he needed to keep it from affecting Emmeline.

She didn’t deserve to suffer from him projecting his guilt and frustrations outward.

He knew she had her own demons to fight regarding Aiden.

And some, if not all, of it was his fault for what he’d said to her before he left England.

He’d been in a dark place and she hadn’t deserved to be sucked into his darkness.

He owed her one hell of an apology for his behavior and he wondered if the time would ever be right.

“Would you care to return to the manor and visit the library? I would love a moment of calm and quiet to read a book and relax before dinner and more games. We could order tea.”

Her eyes flickered between his face and the other people gathered around them.

The trepidation he witnessed briefly crossing her face stabbed his heart.

He was hurting her without meaning to, and it twisted up his insides.

“If you prefer not to, that’s fine. Would you rather play battledore and shuttlecock or pall-mall? ”

“Goodness no,” she said with an exhale of air. “I am not interested in either one of them.”

“Good. I don’t feel like playing either.”

“I believe I would like time in the library, and tea sounds divine.”

Rising from his chair, he pulled hers back and held out his hand to help her stand. “The library it is.”

They walked in companionable silence, with just a hint of unease. Knowing he was the cause of that unease saddened Andrew.

Before they entered the library, he spoke with one of the footmen and requested a tray be brought to them.

The library was cool and dark, with the curtains drawn to keep the sunlight from harming the volumes.

He went to the three large windows and opened the curtains so they could see enough to read.

Turning to Emmeline, who was scanning the shelves, he said, “Please remind me to close the curtains before we leave.”

Glancing over her shoulder, she smiled. “I will.” Her hand delicately pulled a book from a shelf. “I have always wanted to read this book.”

“Which one?”

“ The Lady of the Lake , by Walter Scott.”

“Good choice. I’ve read it.”

“You have?” Her eyes lit up with surprise.

Chuckling, he took a seat on the settee without choosing a book. “Spending so much time at sea, the captain’s quarters always have a supply of books to read.”

She sat beside him, leaving a good amount of space between them, and he tried not to let it bother him. “I thought you would be on deck at all hours of the day and night perched up at the helm.”

“At times, yes. At other times, down below, going over maps and tide charts. When there are storms, that’s when all hell—excuse me—breaks out. But trust me, there were times at night when I was in my bed and couldn’t sleep when a book eased my lonely soul.”

“I never thought of that. Is reading how you dealt with the loneliness?” Her concern touched him.

“Spending weeks or months at sea is trying and lonely, but fulfilling as well, knowing the cargo in the hold represents money for the sailors to support their families.” He snorted.

“And I’m not going to lie, it also feels good to be able to line my pockets, donate money to charity, and invest for my future wife and children.

But to answer your question, yes, reading helped me. ”

“What about not seeing your family for so long? That couldn’t have been easy.”

“In the beginning it was good to be away. To clear my head and get away from my failings. After my father and I mended our relationship, I did miss my family. As for my mother, I regret what I did to leave in the first place. I missed her and felt guilty for leaving under such damaging circumstances. I put a strain on my parents’ relationship that I never meant to.

My mother was furious with my father for what he did and said.

But I’m glad he threatened to disown me.

Who knows what would have become of me otherwise? I could be long dead.”

He paused and swallowed the lump in his throat. “As for my sisters, they have been married for over ten years, and I haven’t seen them but a handful of times since then. I miss them, but they have made new families for themselves.”

She looked at him with such sadness in her eyes that his stomach tightened. “Please don’t mention your death. I can’t even think about what it would be like if you had died. I don’t think I would have survived losing you, too, after losing Aiden.”

Now he felt like a bloody arse for saying that. He hadn’t been thinking about it from her perspective. “I’m sorry to upset you. It wasn’t my intention.”

She reached for his hand and held it. “I know. Ever since Aiden’s death, I’ve been afraid for everyone close to me.

Deep down inside, it always felt as though I must have done something wrong for Aiden to be taken from me.

And I continue to believe it, though I know I shouldn’t, thinking at any moment someone else I love will die.

” Her hand released his, and she wiped the tears from her cheeks. “I hate that I’m crying.”

He moved close, placed an arm around her shoulder, and held her. “It’s my fault you are crying. I should not have brought up death. Christ.” He ran his free hand through his hair. “I’m such an idiot. I seem to be asking for your forgiveness repeatedly lately.”

“No need. You can’t possibly know what’s going on in my head and how I’ve dealt with Aiden’s death. Sometimes I think I shouldn’t be so emotional six years later. But then, what do I know? Some people mourn for a lifetime.”

Every muscle in his body tensed up at hearing her words.

Could it be that he was the only one in love?

He felt sick. Was his mind playing tricks on him, thinking she’d responded favorably to his advances in the gazebo?

No. No. That wasn’t right. She had responded to him, just as eager to be in his arms as he was to be in hers.

Perhaps she lusted after him and nothing more.

He needed to shut his mind off before it ruined their budding relationship.

“I need to say something that is long overdue.” He removed his arm from her shoulder, and took both her hands in his and looked directly into her beautiful but guarded eyes.

“The night I visited you before I set sail from London with Langford, I spoke hurtful and hateful words to you.” He squeezed her hands as her eyes glistened with tears, and he fought back his own.

“I accused you of making Aiden unhappy which contributed to his death.” His voice shook.

“You made him the happiest man alive. I lashed out, wanting someone else to share my pain and guilt. I’m sorry and do not expect your forgiveness for what I’ve caused you with my intolerable behavior. ”

She squeezed his hands as tears trickled down her rosy cheeks. “I forgive you. I always knew your words came out of your own grief.”

Pulling her into his arms, and cradling her close, his heart was a tad healed for her forgiveness.

There was still much healing to do because there was so much more he needed to beg her forgiveness for.

In time, he would confess all. Meanwhile, he would cherish every second he had with her from this moment on.

No more wallowing in self-pity and making her sad.

He would spend the rest of the house party catering to her every whim and need.

Starting with the tea tray the servant had placed on the table only moments ago.

“May I pour?” he asked.

Laughter spilled out of her as she wiped away the last of her tears. “Do you even know how?”

Now, it was his time to laugh. “Contrary to what ladies might think, gentlemen know how to pour tea—at least this gentleman does. You forget I grew up with twin older sisters who insisted I join their tea parties when we were in the nursery.”

“I wish I had seen that,” she said, amusement shining in her eyes.

“No, you don’t. They would make me wear their dresses and call me Lady Andrea.” The sound of her laughter lightened his heart.

“Indeed I do. I wish I could have seen you as a cute little blond boy wearing a frilly pink dress and a bonnet on your head.”

“I never said I wore a bonnet.”

“A proper tea party is never complete without a bonnet.”

He chuckled. “You would be correct.” He picked up the teapot and poured the hot liquid into two teacups. “Cream and sugar?” he asked with a smile.

“Sugar and a splash of cream.” She looked impressed with him.

Once he had added her accoutrements, he handed her the cup and saucer and asked, “Would you like a biscuit?”

“Not just yet. Thank you.”

“As you wish.” He relaxed back into the settee and sipped his tea with sugar only.

The warmth soothed him, as did the woman beside him.

He had no idea why he’d almost had a breakdown this past hour.

He’d not been fit for company, yet she’d stayed with him.

“I must apologize again for letting my mind suck me into a dark place. It wasn’t fair to you. It won’t happen again.”

“Andrew,” she said with a stern voice he didn’t think he’d ever heard from her.

“Do not hide from me, please. If you are troubled, I would rather you share with me or someone else, perhaps Caldwell or Langford, than have it wallow inside you until you burst. I, of all people, know what it’s like to keep my feelings of angst to myself until they eventually come out and hurt someone else.

For me, it’s my mother. Thank goodness she understands and still loves me.

It’s hard dealing with issues from our past. We want to think we are invincible and don’t need anyone to help us, but sometimes we do.

Sometimes, we need help dealing with our demons. ”

“You are a wise woman.” She understood what he was still going through.

It didn’t surprise him, since she had dealt with the death of a husband.

And three close friends had abandoned her at her time of need.

He had gone off drinking and gambling, and Caldwell and Langford had buried their grief in their business and took to their ships, and then he’d joined them.

“You should go rest before dinner,” he said as the clock chimed and he noticed how time had gotten away from them.

“Oh my, look at the time.” She stood, and he did as well. “Are you coming?”

“No. I believe I will stay here.” He kissed her cheek. “I will see you for dinner.”

“Yes.”

His eyes followed her as she gracefully exited the library, taking all the light and warmth from the room.