Page 15 of Promise Yule Be Mine (Christmas Falls: Season 2)

15

KODY

" B runch, lunch or some grub?" I asked and turned to Nova who was walking beside me, hands in his pockets, chewing his lips in concentration and brows knotted with worry.

"Huh?" he said as if just noticing I was with him, and shook his head, placing a smile back on his face. "Oh. I'm easy with anything. Brunch, maybe? If you know somewhere good."

Seeing his smile, even if forced or not entirely genuine, made my heart skip a beat. Several, even, and right in that moment, I knew without a shadow of a doubt I was getting dangerously close to being the kind of man who would do anything in the world to never see that smile fade even for a moment.

He held my gaze and I held his, at war with myself, with my emotions, my thoughts, my feelings and the promise contradicting them all.

"I'm sure there is," I said and looked away.

I had to. I had to put a stop to these preposterous ideas as if I would ever have a chance with Nova in the first place.

There was a perfectly good reason I was marrying Jenna. A perfectly good reason I’d agreed to do it in the first place and that was because of how unlucky I was in love.

Of how many times I'd had my heart broken because the person I thought was my special someone couldn't see past this image of me as this masculine, sexy man when all I was made of was cuddles, kisses and holding hands.

Even if there was a small chance Nova liked me, he too wouldn't be able to see past my asexuality. He too would find me lacking. He too would run as far from me as possible. And who would blame him? Who would blame anyone? If I was dating someone who forced me to be with them sexually I wouldn't want them either, so how could I expect someone else to live without something so many thought was a crucial part of any intimate relationship?

"This looks good." Nova pointed to a diner a couple blocks from the bakery and we found solace inside.

Within a handful of minutes we were seated, served drinks and had placed an order, leaving us sitting across from one another in a booth, unable to avoid each other's gaze.

"I'm sorry about this," he said after a couple of minutes of awkward silence.

"What for?" I frowned.

What did he even have to apologize for?

"The cake. Today. Everything's going wrong for some reason."

I stared at him.

Was he being serious? Did he really think this was his doing or did he think I believed that?

"First of all, you didn't do anything. You're doing a great job of unfucking up our fuck-ups, and for that you deserve a medal. I can't imagine it being easy dealing with both of us."

Nova raised an eyebrow. "Are you trying to tell me you were behind the cancellation?" he asked, but the smirk that appeared on his face gave away the intent behind the words.

"Me? No! Maybe? Of course I wasn't."

He laughed but quickly composed himself to shoot daggers at me. "Are you sure?"

I put my hands up and leaned back with the most offended expression I could muster and glared at him for a second, two seconds, maybe longer before I grinned.

Nova shook his head and nursed his coffee, and this time when the silence rose between us it was familiar, easy. Soft. Almost its own entity.

"I really didn't do it, by the way. I was just kidding."

He nodded. "Why would you? I'm just…confused."

I put my elbows on the table and leaned closer. "I'm sorry we've been so shit at doing our part."

He studied me for a second before answering. "It's fine. Shit happens. Every wedding has a hiccup. To be honest, I should have been a little more hands-on, but I thought Jenna asked me to do it just to be nice."

"No, of course not! She asked you because you're her friend."

He laughed. "That sounds like the same thing."

I scrunched up my nose and pondered over that. It did, didn't it?

"The truth is…" I said and focused on my coffee for a bit before looking up. "We didn't want to make a big deal out of it but it sort of became a big thing because she could have an excuse to spend more time with you."

"Well, that's working very well." He looked around him at the stark absence of Jenna. "She said that?"

"She didn't have to. I know her quite well," I answered.

Way too many times I'd seen Jenna pick up a hobby or a crazy idea and go to extreme lengths to justify committing to it. It had been written all over her face when she’d introduced me to Nova that she was just excited to have her best friend back.

"Yeah. Of course. Well…since you know her so well, does she really want this big ball of a wedding or did she blow your budget just to hang out with me?"

He caught me mid-drink and I kept the mug to my mouth, hoping it wouldn't give away the truth.

What could I say that wouldn't give me away? And…did I want to do that or did I want to hint at what was really going on? What was one more person knowing about our arrangement, right?

Only if he knew, then I'd have no excuses not to flirt with him and if it was bad now, I couldn't imagine how much worse it could get.

"Well, she does. Kind of. I guess…what I'm trying to say is…I thought we would go for something more low-key and I thought we were on the same page but then she got more and more excited that we went a little overboard."

Nova nodded as I spoke and didn't miss a beat when he asked, "So your ideal wedding would be a much smaller affair?"

I sighed. "Yes and no. Not necessarily smaller, just more intimate. I don't know. Maybe it's because I'm bi and I've had to dream of both scenarios in my head that I've become a little desensitized to the musts and shoulds of weddings, whereas I'd like to make it a little more personal. A little more unique."

"Go on," he said when I stopped and waited for his reaction.

He placed his fingers to his lips and with narrowed eyes focused on me. Just me. As if I was the only person on the planet and under his gaze, I felt as if I could be.

"For example, my perfect wedding venue would be The White Elephant. Tucked away in the snug where my brother and I grew up, running around bossing people like maniacs. It would feel more…me. I'd light the whole place up with candles, or fairy lights, or both. People could come dressed as they pleased, not as they should. We'd stand in a circle so no one feels left out."

Nova smiled.

"So you'd want a pagan wedding. Of sorts."

"Yeah. I guess. But without all the devil worship and stuff.” I chuckled.

Nova rolled his eyes. "Tell me about it. The last handfasting I did was such a sordid affair. Took me ages to get the blood stains off my shirt."

I laughed and our waitress came to our table with our order. A stack of blueberry pancakes with maple syrup for me and a chicken waffle with maple syrup and poached eggs for Nova.

As I chewed on my first mouthful, he poked at his food and tasted a piece of chicken drenched in syrup and egg yolk. He closed his eyes and let out a low but resounding moan that made me unable to look away—at the way he lit up, or the little side-to-side happy dance he did as he chewed, or the way his tongue brushed his sticky lips to wipe them clean.

He was a sight for sore eyes. A walking temptation. A perfect picture of a man.

I'd never had egg with my chicken waffles but the way he was reacting to it, the way it made me feel watching him react to it, I wanted to have it and eat just that for the rest of my life.

I'm such a lost cause, aren't I?

He eventually opened his eyes and caught me staring, which made him blush and dip his head to look at his food before he said: "continue" and I had to swallow the frog in my throat, ease the storm in my chest and put the butterflies in my stomach to sleep and speak as if I hadn't been affected by him.

"Ah, oh…yeah…what else? I'd have someone I love officiate the wedding and my pets would be involved. Heck, two of them could even be carried down the aisle instead of flowers, but Jenna isn't so keen on animals so she'd never go for it."

Nova grimaced. "Uhm…isn't her mom a vet?"

"A vet tech, yeah," I said.

"Weird that I didn't know that, but then again we never had pets growing up so I wouldn't know. Anyway, how...how would that work with you two? Won't they be a problem when you move in together?"

Oh, that.

We hadn't even talked about that yet. In fact, we'd talked about the plan for the future very little since we’d gotten engaged. Hence how unprepared we were for the wedding.

We really had to sit down and decide where we'd live, when, how. Figure out when we could start IVF and all that jazz.

"Ah…I…" I tried to find something, anything, to say but no excuse, no lie would come to me.

"How is everything, you guys?" The waitress appeared at the perfect moment to save me from utter humiliation.

"So what's your ideal wedding?" I asked when we reassured her everything was good, and she refilled our coffees.

I hoped he hadn't noticed me evading the subject. If he did, he was too kind to mention it, which worked just fine with me.

"Small, intimate, floral, romantic," he said. "I actually love your idea of a perfect wedding."

Of course he did. Because he was the perfect groom. The perfect man.

"Th-thanks," I managed to say.

"Yeah. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to show off my crafty hand and make it memorable, but…" he shrugged. "I've done so many big, extravagant weddings with over a hundred, two hundred guests and they always feel…" His wrinkled his nose from side to side until he settled on a word, "alien."

"That's right. Exactly. Like even if you know that many people how can you connect with them on your special day?"

He shared more ideas of things he loved, things he hated, his ideal color palette.

"Of course things would be different if it was a Christmas wedding. Oh, now that would be perfect," he said. Then as if he remembered himself, he cleared his throat, shuffled in his seat and sighed. "Of course marriage isn't even in the album, let alone the picture so none of it matters right now."

Before I even thought of it or could control it, I reached for his hand, brushing the soft spot between his thumb and index slowly.

"I'm sorry. But we can always dream, right?"

Like dream of finding the perfect man when one hadn't made a promise to their best friend to marry them.

"Y-yes," he choked, staring at me.

"Any man would be lucky to have you."

He swallowed with some difficulty and without breaking eye contact said, "I…I'm not that easy to be with."

I was so enthralled by his wonderful dark eyes, the way they seemed to tear right through my clothes, pierce my skin and burrow right into my heart with such ease, such art.

"That's the biggest lie I've ever heard," I said, my voice barely a whisper.

"Are you guys finished?"

For the second time, the waitress popped up, only now she had come at the worst possible moment. Which was probably for the best because who knew what else I would have done if she hadn't interrupted.

Nova pulled his hand back and I immediately felt its absence. But there was nothing I could do about that. All I could do was clear the way so the waitress could collect our plates and avoid his gaze until I'd paid up.

"Thanks for getting that. You really shouldn't?—"

I put my hand up to stop him and with my other one opened the door for him.

"It was my pleasure."

"And I'll see if I can convince Jenna to change some—" he started when he skidded across the sidewalk, over a frozen patch that hadn't quite melted and fell backwards.

One second he was falling, the next he was in my arms, my body acting on instinct, as if a primal sort of protective urge turned me from a regular Joe into a superhuman.

I stared at his face, his expression a mixture of shock, astonishment and something else I couldn't define. Or one I didn't want to define for fear of what it might do to me. But his eyes? His eyes betrayed something I didn't want to admit, his lips calling my name like a siren to my undoing.

I didn't think. I couldn't anymore. Not with Nova in my arms. Not with him in my life.

I leaned in. That was all I could do.

But before our lips could touch, Nova's eyes went wide and he slithered out of clumsy embrace and coughed.

"We…we should get going. I've got a baker to find," he announced to no one in particular and, avoiding looking at me, marched toward my car leaving me completely and utterly…breathless.