Page 28

I Hate Myself For Loving You

Renard

There were gargoyles peeping out of their nests the entire route to the chief residence.

I could feel their eyes on me as we walked with Vasile and Matei down the road.

I haven’t been around so much as one of my kind in centuries; now, I’m being assaulted by the sensation of over a hundred in close proximity.

It’s very odd, yet somehow soothing? I know simply being in their presence doesn’t guarantee the feeling of ‘home’ that my inner being’s instincts want to claim.

This is my clutch, but they haven’t claimed me as one of theirs since long before most of my new family’s ancestors were born.

I don’t know how to parse the dissonance and it’s making him very unsettled.

“Are you okay, Rennie?”

My rainbow-haired mate is often the most sensitive to changes in mood, and this is no exception.

Now that we suspect she has Fae origin, it makes even more sense than attributing it to being a child of abuse.

They are certainly very attuned to the surrounding people to prevent ire, but Dolly has seemed to notice more than I would have expected.

Felix also believed it was the prey animal, and that may also be true.

Her unique blood line makes her a triple threat, in my opinion, and she has no idea how incredibly useful that skill will be once she’s able to consciously harness it.

“Yes…”

“But?” she presses stubbornly.

I can’t lie to her, but we must be very cautious about what we say. “It has been lifetimes since I was here. That… brings up a lot of memories and emotions.”

Her nod says more than words would have, and I wonder if that’s how she felt walking into her home for summer break over the past two years.

It had to be like facing a firing squad you thought you’d outrun, and she had no choice.

Cursing mentally, I make a mental note to discuss that with the others at some point.

Our mate is never going back to that fucking place again, other than to retrieve belongings if she chooses.

Ripping open wounds to serve her mother’s ego stops now.

“Now you feel determined and angry,” she murmurs. “You’re awfully volatile. This is more like Fitz’s boomerangs than your steadiness.”

Yep, one hundred percent the combo of her heritage and perhaps the mate bond—another note for later.

“Nothing to do with this moment, ma petite . I promise.” I give her a small smile and she returns it as Aubrey strides closer to us.

“What are you whispering about? The peeping Toms?” He looks amused as his eyes dart to the surrounding houses for a brief second then back to us. “You are indeed famous, my love.”

“Infamous, more like,” I grumble. “I don’t know how many of them were alive or part of our clutch when I was exiled. It is not uncommon for my kind to move about when they are grown, especially if they are not from the line of succession.”

“They’re like… shifter mercenaries, huh?” Dolly asks curiously. “Sort of moving about to other clutches if they are recruited or wish to serve certain things?”

“Very close.” My lips curve again and I shrug. “It’s not about money, though certainly we make more than enough. It’s hard to explain in the short time we have, but we will chat about it in depth sometime.”

Vasile clears his throat and our small caravan pauses when he does.

The large residence in front of us is so familiar that it makes my gut ache, and I put my hand on my chest absently as if to quell the spread.

It’s bigger than when I was cast out, though that’s to be expected over such a long span of time.

But this is still the nest I spent most of my formative years in after our move from Paris.

I didn’t expect it to strike me this hard; I thought that the passage of years would make this easier.

But I was mistaken and I have no idea how I will make it through this without giving away the rioting emotions inside of me.

“Welcome to the royal nest, guests of the exiled,” Vasile says. His eyes are focused on me as he continues. “Matei and I will guide you to the banquet hall, where you will be seated. Dinner will be served promptly.”

I notice he doesn’t mention my parents or who the hell is going to be at this banquet, but I nod. “We are grateful for your hospitality.”

Once he turns and the guard follows, Fitz bops over with a frown.

“That dude has a serious stick up his ass. He was staring at you like you fucked his mom, man. Obviously, it’s great they’re not imprisoning us to make us fight some feral dick, like my pops probably would.

But I can’t help wondering if this is worse, you know? ”

“You are more perceptive than you let on, Fitzgerald,” I murmur as we walk to the big door and wait for it to open.

“I don’t remember either of them from my previous life here, so your analogy couldn’t possibly be true.

That doesn’t mean I am not being held accountable for something else I’m unaware of. ”

“Grudges run deep along family lines in mythicals,” Aubrey says. “Dragons do it, and I assume your kin do as well.”

“So they’re ice cold because someone related to you did something shitty?

That’s fucking dumb.” The bunny narrows her eyes, a thread of fury rising within her.

“You weren’t here—not by your own choice, I might add—so you couldn’t do a damn thing about whatever this is.

Petty bullshit, just like the fucking Heathers and everyone else. Preds are so stupid.”

“Now, Princess,” Felix says with a chuckle. “Every species has annoying, petty people—preds, prey, Fae, magicals… whatever. You know that.”

She huffs as we follow the two gargoyles into the building after the door finally creaks open. “Maybe so, but I just hate this shit. So many things would be less painful if people were good to each other instead of hateful assholes. It’s frustrating as hell and it makes my bunny rabid.”

That’s new…like everything else on this goddamn trip.

“Hurry,” Matei says as they pick up their pace. “No dawdling, or we will hold up the dinner service.”

Rolling my eyes, I grab Dolly’s hand and increase my speed, leading the others in the small parade through the walls of my former home.

I can’t pay attention to it closely enough to note changes; my reaction at the front told me I need to focus on right now so I can keep myself under control.

But I wish I could linger to examine paintings and furniture, entertain memories of the good times or even inhale the scents of my family.

I can’t, though, and remain detached enough to get through this evening successfully.

“Open for the guests of honor!”

I grunt as the emissary tells the staff at the new set of large doors what to do.

Formality has only increased since I left—that much I cannot ignore.

Though I suppose I wasn’t entering events from the perspective of an outsider when I was younger.

Perhaps this is quite in line with tradition, but I was coming in from the other side of that doorway.

I rub my temple with my freehand, unsure why I feel so muzzy about the past when I know I remembered it clearly at one point.

“Welcome to our kingdom,” a strong, yet feminine voice calls from across the room.

My head jerks up to look in the direction of the tone and cadence my ears know so well.

Licking my lips, I have to consciously breathe as my mother comes into view.

She’s standing in front of her throne, looking no different from when I last saw her, but for the intensity in her eyes.

My father is seated on his adjacent throne, but he has aged a bit more.

That happens to gargoyles who lead group contracts well into their second millennia, and he is no exception.

I can’t even form words as I stare at them from beyond the long, regally decorated table.

“We are likewise honored by your invitation to your realm,” Felix says smoothly. The tiger is saving me, and for that, I am very grateful. “Your graciousness is much appreciated, Your Majesties.”

Of course, the heir to the Khan throne would know exactly what and how to address them, despite never meeting another of my kin.

He’s walking to the front of our group now, Fitz in tow as they form a small physical barrier between me and the people who sent a grieving son into the world alone.

Aubrey reaches for my other hand, taking it in his larger one like Dolly is on my right.

Their touch is comforting, and before I know it, Chess is close behind me.

He’s not touching me, but his purr is strong enough to vibrate the air between us, making me sag in relief.

“And who might you be, leader of our guests?” My mother’s question is sharp, but full of amusement. She likely finds the tiger full of hubris for taking charge in my lands, but she also doesn’t know who he is. It will make more sense when he’s introduced us, and her demeanor will change.

Except a loud snort echoes through the lofty chamber and my eyes widen in panic.

“Who was that? Show yourself!”

“ Son of a bitch ,” Chess mutters as our mate lets go of my hand and stomps over to push her way through the tiger wall. “I knew it.”

“My name is Delores Diamond Drew, Your Majesties.” I watch helplessly as Dolly executes a perfect curtsey, then rises to stand ramrod straight for their scrutiny. “ I am the leader of this group.”

“Despite coming from no royal blood?” The queen smirks down at her and I notice her amulet flashing a deep purple at the base of her throat.

Another suspicion flits through my mind, making me wish I could write all of this shit down so I don’t forget it.

“That is an audacious claim, even for someone of your family’s… stature.”

Dolly tosses her hair over her shoulder, not giving an inch as she replies, “Yes, well. If I judged everyone I met by their families’ behavior or heritage, I wouldn’t be standing here. Leadership cannot be inherited through blood or money, despite what most preds believe.”

I brace myself for the inevitable rage her statement is going to engender, my body tensing as my gargoyle rears his head. I don’t want to attack my family—not really—but I will if they try to harm a single hair on our insane little bunny rabbit’s pastel head.

But no one moves because my father bursts out laughing, the bass tone ringing off the stone walls of the hall like a klaxon. My mother turns toward him, her features creased in amusement as she says, “Oh, I like her, my darling. This one is absolutely delightful; don’t you think?”

What the fuck?

“I agree, my sapphire sweetheart,” he says as he rises from his chair.

“It has been far too long since we hosted anyone with a backbone—and she smells of such a heady combination of questions that beg for answers. I believe we should all find our seats to feast or I won’t be able to hold back long enough to feed. ”

My eyes widen again, both shocked by his statement, the nod my mother gives to the staff that sends them scurrying, and her fangy smile that faces my family when she returns her gaze to us.

“My mate is spot on, as usual. We will bring in the feast, the sacrifices, and the mead for our celebration. Afterward, everyone will disperse, so we might convene a conclave between our leaders and our guests.” She claps her hands, and chairs fly away from the table, indicating where we’re supposed to sit. “Be seated so we might break bread.”

Unfortunately, I have not shared the secrets of our nutrition with anyone but Dolly and Flames, so this is going to be fascinating indeed.