Page 46

46

SAWYER

T here’s no way I can concentrate. Not on school. Not on life. Not on anything, until I know.

The only chance I have of learning the truth is to go home, so that’s what I decide to do.

Ash, the truest friend that ever was, drops me at the train station in Boston and gives me the tightest hug before she sends me off.

When I arrive in Connecticut, I’m trying to formulate a plan.

And shockingly—as if by dark magic—Jamie O’Rourke appears on the platform at the New Haven train station. Apparently, we were on the same two-hour train from Boston but sitting in different passenger cars.

Seeing him creates an ache in my chest. Why can’t being sensible overpower everything else?

He wears black jeans and a black hoodie under a dark puffer coat. It’s not a typical outfit for him. He looks American.

I’m drawn to him like a matching magnet. Without regard for the way we left things, I hurry across the platform. “Jamie.”

He turns, and shock registers on his face. “Sauce. What are you doing here?” His using the nickname causes warmth to spread through me. There’s a part of me that just can’t seem to stop wanting him. His gaze flicks toward the tracks. “Did you just arrive?”

“Yes. From Boston. Like you.”

A stillness comes over him, and it’s hard to interpret. After a beat, he says, “How are you?”

“All right.” Exhaling a slow breath, I shrug. “Things really spiraled last night. I’m sorry for not?—”

“No.” His tone is firm. “More my fault than yours for rushing that conversation.”

“I was overwhelmed. I wish I’d been able to stay longer to talk.”

“You have a right to walk away from situations that scare you.” His thumb strokes his stubbled jaw. “I’m sorry for that. I thought you understood I wouldn’t hurt you. Or let anyone else do that either.”

Leaning back slightly, I let his blue gaze cut through me like a laser. “Now that things have calmed down, maybe we should talk?”

“Yeah, I’d like that, Sawyer. But I can’t right now.” He licks his lips and glances around. “I have to catch a train to Philadelphia for work. We’ll talk when we’re back at school, all right? How many days will you be in Connecticut?”

“Um, I’m not sure. I sent my teachers notice I’d be taking a week of bereavement leave. They all said it was fine to turn coursework in when I return. I think a week here will be long enough, but I’m sure they’d allow me to extend it, so I’ll see how things go.”

“A week,” he says. “And you’re staying at your dad’s house? Is that here in New Haven? Or elsewhere in Connecticut?”

“Yes, to my dad’s.” Studying his face, I try to work out why I feel something’s off. “What are you doing here in Connecticut?” I glance at the duffel bags he’s carrying.

“Just changing trains.”

“Why? There’s a direct route from Boston to Philly.”

“The direct was sold out.” His voice is smooth, despite the fact that he’s lying.

“I don’t think so,” I say softly. “I bought my ticket last minute and remember looking at the board. None of the New England routes were sold out.”

“Must have been a glitch.” His tone is casual.

My hand reaches out to clasp his. “It’s all right if you’re here to investigate.” My fingers squeeze for emphasis. “That’s why I’m here, too. I know it seemed like I was dismissing everything you said, but I promise I wasn’t. I just need to be sure. You can understand that, right? If I told you your dad did something unimaginable, wouldn’t you want to be sure?”

“Sawyer, I don’t want you digging into anything. You’ll ask the wrong thing and tip him off. When a man feels cornered, there’s no telling how he’ll react. What if it becomes dangerous, and you’re there with no one to protect you? No, I won’t allow it.”

Because it feels good when he’s protective, I offer him a small smile. “You won’t allow it?”

He blows out a breath and shrugs. “Seems I’m not ready to accept you’re not mine anymore. And, if I’m being honest, the connection I feel to you is maybe something that’s not going away for me. So, whether we’re together or not, I won’t let anyone hurt you.”

Now we’re crossing into territory that feels dangerous because he’s never put limits on how far he would go in eliminating a threat.

He leans closer, so I catch the scent of spicy shower gel and winter wind. “What if I came with you to the house? We could say I’m your boyfriend.”

“What about your work trip?”

“I’ll reschedule or get someone to cover for me. I’d be an asset, Sauce. Not just as protection, but because I can get into electronics you wouldn’t be able to access on your own.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea. What if you lost your temper? And then he turns out to be innocent? I wouldn’t be okay with you hurting him.”

“I won’t lose control. You have my word.”

Staring up into his bright blue eyes, everything in me wants to trust him. “There are questions you’ve never answered, Jamie.”

“Right.”

“Will you?”

“Depends.” He tilts his head, assessing me. “Some information is on a ‘need to know’ basis and right now, you’ve got no need. A girlfriend, though, in a serious relationship with a man does need to understand who he is.”

“Maybe I already know enough.” My voice is little more than a whisper, but it’s fierce. Our eyes lock. “My bio mom prioritized criminality over family. When she went to jail, it left me completely alone in the world. Now that I’m an adult, I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone whose work could force me to go through that again.”

“My world is miles from what you lived before.”

“Is it?”

“When I have a wife and kids, things will be in place to protect them. They wouldn’t be alone and destitute if something happened to me. They’d be surrounded by the rest of my family. You’ve already seen what my people are like, right? Ash wanting to take you home for Thanksgiving? Do you imagine that girl would desert someone so important to me? And, for better or worse, she’s the tip of the iceberg, Sauce. I’m Irish Catholic. There’s a lot of family.”

“Could you change careers if you wanted to? Tomorrow? Next week? Could you walk away?”

He smiles ruefully and glances around. “We’ve got other things to figure out first, wouldn’t you say? Come on, let’s go to your dad’s place. I’ll be there to keep you safe and to back your play as you look around. I’ll even tell you what physical evidence we’re looking for. And once we settle whether I’m right or not about Robert Allendale, we can figure out what to do next.”

I slide my hand to the back of his neck, and he leans down at the beckoning touch.

“You have to promise me no matter what we learn, you won’t hurt him after I’ve brought you into the house. We will call the police, but you won’t touch him. Promise?”

He raises his head so we can look at each other. “If you bring me into the house, I won’t touch him while we’re there. I will not lose control.” His words drip with grave sincerity.

I still don’t know if he’s telling the truth, but I want to trust him. I want it so much I’m willing to risk making a horrible mistake.

“Okay. But just so you know, if you break your word to me, Jamie, I won’t protect you and become an accomplice. I will tell the police everything I know.”

His eyes narrow, but he nods. “Grand. We know where we stand.”

* * *

JAMIE

On the ride to the house, I’m of two minds. On one hand, this has worked out better than if I’d had to break in. This way, Allendale invites me in and, as an overnight guest, I’ll have plenty of time to locate and access his electronics. Then, if the guy had help covering his tracks in Ireland or if he’s a part of any pedophile rings that traffic kids, I’ll be able to act on that information, too.

If it comes down to killing Allendale, I should hire someone to do that anyway. As much as I’d like to watch him die, I’ve got too many ties.

Glancing over at Cranberry Sauce twists my guts. She’s beautiful today in her dove gray sweater, charcoal skirt, and black tights. Makes me wish we could make a detour to a hotel where we could pretend for a few hours that the past few days never happened.

We can’t, though. Vengeance first.

When we arrive, the house isn’t as large as I expected. Maybe three-thousand square-feet. Colonial colors with a pristine paint job that looks fresh. A wreath of pine and holly announces this is a place that celebrates the holidays.

I carry our bags, and as I wait for her to unlock the door, a fleeting doubt plagues me. I saw Jude’s abductor from thirty or forty feet away, and it was only a glance. Could Sauce be right that my mind has filled in the blanks? God knows, I’ve been desperate to find the bastard.

When she pushes the door open and we step inside, an eerie sensation washes over me. With the curtains drawn, the entry is dark.

“Dad?” Sawyer opens the curtains and shades, revealing a small Christmas tree covered in wood ornaments and gold tinsel.

“Here,” a male voice calls back.

When he emerges, the man looks like a fucking professor or the cover model for an English riding magazine. Wool trousers, tweed jacket. Affable smile. Maybe I have gotten it wrong.

Then our eyes meet, and I know . His eyes, his suddenly intent facial expression and flushed cheeks, and maybe the tilt of his head are all familiar. My muscles contract, ready to go after him the way he deserves.

You swore to her.

I lock my body down, becoming rigid and still as I watch him.

“Well, hello.” His smile looks forced as he hugs Sawyer.

“Dad, this is my boyfriend Jamie. He’s a rower like Brad, and he’s been helping me cope. We decided at the last minute he should come home with me. I hope that’s all right?”

“Of course.” He extends a hand and I shake it, noting it’s as cold as a deep water fish. “I just got back myself.” His gaze travels from Sawyer to me and lingers. “Have you eaten?”

“No, and Jamie’s probably starving.”

Both of them look at me. It takes a moment for me to remember I’m hungry. All my concentration is focused on keeping myself in check so I don’t reach out and grab the man by the throat. “I’m all right.”

His brown eyes crinkle at the edges as he smiles. I manage not to recoil, but only just.

“Oh, I doubt that, Jamie,” he says in an amiable tone. “Young men in training need fuel. My son was like a coal stove, always had to keep shoveling fuel in. Speaking of which, I’ll bring some wood in for a fire, and after you drop your bags, you start on lunch, Sawyer.”

“I’ll get the wood,” I hear myself say. Distance and cold air will do me good. At least my voice sounded steady enough. Everything I’m feeling is just below the surface, but I think I’ve kept it hidden so far. “Show me where you want it.”

Allendale offers me a smile that turns my blood to ice. I’ve seen his pleased smile before. He had it when he scooped Jude up and hauled him to the road. Reflexively, my fingers close into a fist. I force my hand back open, hoping I manage to hide my bitter scowl.

“Here, Jamie,” Sauce says, touching my arm. “Come with me, so we can unpack first.”

“You in your room, Sawyer, and Jamie in the guest room with the burgundy bedspread.”

I don’t like the sound of my name from his mouth or that he uses it so freely.

“Of course, Dad,” Sawyer says quickly. When she tries to reach for the handle of her suitcase, I shake my head and grab it.

Following her up the stairs, I continue to battle with myself. To be this close is even harder than I imagined.

She stops at a door. “This one is mine.”

The minute I set her suitcase inside and turn, I’ve already forgotten what the room looks like. My entire focus is trapped between the past and what I need to do.

“Jamie?”

Looking over my shoulder, my gaze drops to her face. “Yes?”

“This way.” She walks down the hall and opens the door to a guest room with a double bed with a white lace skirt hanging around its base like a barrister’s collar.

I drop my duffles on the floor, and Sawyer puts a hand on my arm.

“Are you okay?”

With a sharp nod, I say, “Don’t I seem all right?”

“You’re quiet and distracted. I wondered whether you still think it’s him? Or if you might be questioning that?”

My gaze flicks to the open doorway, and I shrug. “Show me the door to the backyard, so I can grab the wood.”

Following my eye-line, she glances over her shoulder and then back at me. “Sure. The back door is downstairs.”

After we head down, I go out and collect a stack of logs.

Once I’ve brought plenty of wood inside, I set some in the holder next to the hearth and a few in the fireplace.

“Thank you.”

At the sound of Allendale’s voice behind me, I rise from my knee and turn. I’m a few inches taller and much more fit. Comparing him to the memory I’ve got of him, he hasn’t aged well. There are bags under his eyes that could store loose coins now, and he’s thicker, especially around the middle. He may be stronger than he appears, but I reckon one good punch to the gut would bring him to his knees. I’d like to deliver it. Or a strong crack to the jaw to keep him from smiling for a good long time.

“Sawyer hasn’t had a chance to tell me about you.” His smile is hollow now. “How long have you been dating?”

“A few weeks. Feels longer. though. At least to me. She’s a special girl.”

“Your accent… is that Scottish? Fantastic golf courses there.”

“Right, but no. Irish. Ever been to my country?”

“I have. Ireland has scenery that’s the most beautiful in the world.”

The words from Jude’s journal come roaring back. You’re the most beautiful boy. If I wasn’t so furious, I might puke all over the floor.

Sawyer’s voice saves me. “Are sandwiches all right with you guys? Keep it simple? I thought I’d try to make a steak-and-mushroom pie later from Great Grandma Allendale’s old cookbook. Remember when Mom and I made it, Dad? It turned out so good.”

“So well,” Allendale corrects with a belated look at her.

Sawyer visibly deflates, and I have to redouble my efforts to keep from slamming a fist into his face.

“Yes.” Sauce struggles to inject some cheer into her flat voice. “That’s what I meant. It turned out so well. By the way—” She tugs up her sleeve and raises her forearm to show off a Briar Club bracelet.

“Oh, well done, Sawyer. Well done.” The approval sounds genuine enough. “Have you let my mother know, yet?”

“She knows I was accepted but hasn’t seen Mom’s bracelet on me yet. With Brad and everything, it hasn’t felt like the right time to send a picture.”

Allendale’s gaze returns to my face. “Yes, it’s been terrible. And you’ve been helping my daughter cope?”

The lack of emotion in his voice hardens my anger to stone. “As much as anyone can help when a brother is lost.”

Allendale holds my eyes, and I identify him as a reptile. Losing his son didn’t destroy him. Far from it. He looks at me with a hopeful expression that seems to say he’s anxious to go back to Ireland to find another Jude. Or maybe I’m reading things into his every move that aren’t really there. It’s hard to tell. Everything is surreal at the moment.

“Jamie, come with me?” Sawyer’s hand reaches out toward me, the bracelet swaying on her wrist.

My hand takes hers and squeezes. “Sure.” My eyes return to Allendale. “Excuse us.”

If I hope to make it through the night without beating Allendale senseless, I need to hold onto Sawyer and what she means to me like a lifeline.