Page 5

The student cashier handed Robbie his change. She then placed Robbie’s purchase in a small, paper bag, smiled at Robbie and thanked him. It was his lunch hour at school. Robbie had eaten quickly then hurried to the bookstore to make a purchase.

Exiting the bookstore into the hallway, Robbie found two girls he had met. It was his second week at The Wheaton Academy. In that short span he had already met and made friends with several students, all girls. Using the girls’ lavatories helped although at first, Robbie was hesitant. It still made him feel a bit awkward, maybe even ashamed using the girls’ bathroom. Changing for gym class helped alleviate that.

Because of the number of trans students, Wheaton had set up separate locker rooms for them. One for transitioning boys and one for transitioning girls.

Gym class included seventh, eighth and ninth grade students. The first time in the trans girls’ locker room there were four other trans girls who immediately made Robbie feel welcome.

“May I be excused?” Robbie asked at the dinner table. “I have homework to do.”

“Certainly,” Priscilla said with a smile. Blake, Robbie’s father, as usual, said nothing.

On his way upstairs, hurrying, Robbie was thankful she did not call him Roberta. This was the name his mother had chosen for him. Somehow it made him feel as if the decision to switch him was final.

When he arrived in his bedroom the first thing he did was lock the door. This room, if it had not been before, was now his private sanctuary. The only place he felt truly safe. The only place he could still be himself, whatever that was.

Robbie quickly found the item he had purchased earlier in the bookstore, a 6 x 9 diary with a lock a three-year-old could break. A better lock was at the top of Robbie’s list. Something with a chain. School work would have to wait .

Dear Diary:September 17th

Where to begin? I feel like I am totally alone. Wandering in the wilderness. Or, worse, on a runaway train.

The train is thundering down the tracks toward a destiny that terrifies me. I am helpless to stop it. I have no control over it or my life. I am torn in half between what I want and my inability to tell my mother. I’m more afraid of her, Mother Dear, than what she is doing to me. To be honest, I’m not even sure she isn’t right. Am I in the wrong body? Mother Dear is far more certain than I am. The experts, Dr. Friedman and the others are certain. Then why am I afraid? The new school is a good thing. If I had gone back to Sanger dressed and looking like a girl, I can only imagine what the bullies would do. The kids at Wheaton treat me like anyone else. Are they better educated? More tolerant? I suspect they all know I’m trans. Even though the school is better, I still cry myself to sleep every night. I’m afraid and alone. And no one will listen to me. On these pages is the only time I can admit this.

I DON’T WANT TO DO THIS. But the train has rolled out of the station.

“Blake will take you to school today and I’ll pick you up,” Priscilla told Robbie. She never referred to Blake as Robbie’s dad. Since Robbie was old enough to wonder about this, he had doubts about paternity. Blake, being the whipped puppy that he was, never said a word about it.

“We have an appointment with Dr. Friedman after school,” Priscilla reminded Robbie.

“Yes, Mother, I remember,” Robbie replied.

Priscilla was almost out the door to the garage when she stopped. She turned and went to Robbie, knelt down in front of him, held his shoulders and inspected his face.

“The makeup looks good. Your hair has grown out nicely. You’re going to make a lovely young woman. You’ll see. You will get through this and be much happier. Much more popular. You’ll see.”

“Yes, Mother,” Robbie said without enthusiasm.

Priscilla, still down on one knee holding Robbie’s shoulders, did something quite unusual. She leaned forward and gently kissed him on the lips. “My beautiful girl,” she said afterward.

As she went out, Priscilla called back to Robbie to remind him, again, about their appointment later that day.

When Blake stopped the car in the lot of Wheaton Academy, Robbie decided to ask him.

“Dad,” he said which was unusual in and of itself, calling him dad.

“Yes, Robbie, what is it?”

“Do you agree with this? The idea of turning me into a girl?”

“Well, your mother says it’s for the best, so I guess…”

“What do you think? I know what mother thinks. I want your opinion.”

Being asked his opinion on a subject, any subject, was not a normal occurrence. Blake was not sure what to say .

“I, ah, I don’t know. If it will make you feel better about yourself, well then, I guess I’m for it.”

“When you were my age, were you good at sports? Were you athletic?”

“No, not really. I was good at math. That’s why I got a civil engineer degree in college,” Blake said.

“Did you make a lot of friends when you were in school?”

“A few, not many. Math and science kids. Nerdy kids. Why?”

“Just wondering. Did you ever think you might want to be a girl?”

“No, no, that never occurred to me. But then, no one ever talked about, you know, that kind of thing. Are you confused?”

“Yeah, I am. I have to go.”

“Come in, please have a seat,” Dr. Friedman told Priscilla and Robbie.

The receptionist who led them in quietly closed the office door as she left. Priscilla and Robbie sat on the couch. Friedman came out from behind his desk and moved a chair to sit directly in front of them.

“Roberta, you’re looking very pretty. How do you feel about it?” Friedman asked.

“Um, oh, I don’t know,” Robbie replied. “I’m still, I guess…” he started to say then paused.

“Confused, uncertain, not comfortable,” Friedman said.

“Yeah,” Robbie agreed. “All of those things.”

“That’s perfectly normal. I’d be surprised if you didn’t feel those things. Very few of my trans patients take to it without any misgivings.”

“Feel better?” Priscilla asked.

“I guess, sure,” Robbie replied.

“I noticed you have a birthday coming up,” Friedman said.

Yes,” Robbie said.

“You’ll be how old?”

“Twelve,” Robbie answered.

“What about girls? Do you have any feelings toward girls? ”

“Like what?”

“Are you attracted to them? Do you find yourself being, well, sexually attracted to them?”

Robbie’s face almost completely turned crimson from being asked that in front of his mother.

“No, no, uh uh, no,” he replied.

“Roberta, tell the truth, it’s okay,” Priscilla said.

“Well, I’m supposed to be a girl now, right? So, I guess, no. I’m not attracted to them,” he lied.

“Are you feeling any side effects from the drugs?” Friedman asked to both find out and change the subject.

“I don’t know. I don’t shave as much,” Robbie said deliberately being a smartass.

Friedman, the stoic professional, managed to smile at the joke.

“I have someone I’d like you to meet,” Friedman said.

“Who?” Robbie asked.

“I’ve already talked to your mother about it. Priscilla seems to agree you could benefit from a little mentoring. She is a trans person who is completely through the process, even the surgery.”

“When would I do the surgery?” Robbie asked.

“A least three years,” Friedman said. “Depends on how things go. Just a moment.”

Friedman picked up his phone and called out to the receptionist. A moment later an older teen was led in.

She was tall, five eight or nine, slender and pretty. Except, the first thing Robbie noticed about her was the size of her hands. Her nails were well manicured but her fingers, for a woman as tall as she was, were short and a bit stubby. Overall, the hands were larger than a female of her size as were her feet.

Friedman introduced her as Joan, formerly John. She took a chair matching Friedman’s and sat down in front of Robbie.

“You’re new, just beginning, I’m told,” Joan said to Robbie. “You must have a million questions and uncertainty, don’t you? And doubts.”

“Yes,” Robbie gave his one-word reply.

“Someone mentored me and it helped a lot. I’d like to help you if you will let me. ”

Robbie hesitated for a moment before saying, “Well, yeah, I guess. It can’t hurt.”

“No, it won’t hurt. I’ll tell you what. Let’s meet for lunch this coming Saturday. My treat. I’ll call you to set it up. Okay?”

“Okay,” Robbie said.