Page 23

Stephanie, Robbie’s study hall mate, parked in the lot of the library in Edina. Robbie was in the passenger seat not moving a muscle. Stephanie was not even sure if Robbie was breathing. Robbie just sat staring out the windshield at the big white building.

“We’re here,” Stephanie said.

Robbie blinked two or three times as if coming out of a trance. She turned her head toward Stephanie but did not say anything.

“What’s wrong?” Stephanie asked.

“Oh, um, nothing, I guess. I’m just a little nervous,” Robbie answered.

“They’re really nice and I told you, at least several of them have the same anxiety you do. Come on, let’s go. We have a reserved meeting room.”

“They didn’t put up a big sign like; Trans queers meeting downstairs or something?”

Stephanie heartily laughed for ten to fifteen seconds, took a breath and said, “No, they don’t put up a sign. Now, come on.”

“Hey, everyone, this is Robbie, the girl I told you about,” Stephanie announced when they entered the room.

There were roughly fifteen chairs set up in a circle like a group therapy session. Ten of the chairs were occupied. They were in a private meeting room on the first floor of the Southdale Library.

The meeting was an informal get together of trans girls, some of whom were older and having serious regrets. Others had no regrets. The meeting was to begin at 6:00 P.M . or around that time. Stephanie and Robbie were a few minutes early. They would also be the last to arrive.

Stephanie took Robbie to a side table. She filled out stick-on name tags for each of them then joined the circle.

“No last names here,” Stephanie told Robbie.

“Yeah, you told me,” Robbie replied .

Stephanie looked around at the group and noticed how quiet they were.

“Why is everyone so glum? Did something happen?” Stephanie asked.

“Holly was raped,” Amanda told her.

Amanda was the unofficial group leader. She was the oldest, twenty-five, and the organizer.

“No! Oh, shit. When, where, how, what happened?” were the words that spilled out of Stephanie’s mouth.

“Last night, after dark, a couple blocks south of the South Beach of Lake Harriet. Do you know where that is?” Amanda answered.

“Yes, I do,” Robbie said. “It’s close to where I went to middle school, Sanger.”

“Is Holly pretty beat up?” one of the other girls, Bella, a senior at Wheaton, whom Robbie knew, asked.

Bella, which means beautiful, a name her mother chose, was anything but beautiful. She still bore some light, plastic surgery scars. Robbie knew she was not the least bit self-conscious about the scars.

“You mean other than being grossly violated?” Amanda said.

“Amanda, come on, you know what I meant,” Bella said.

“Sorry. No, fortunately. At least nothing to require medical attention. One of them slapped her several times, but she’s okay.

“There were three of them. They dragged her into the back of a van, taped her mouth shut and took turns. Two of them held her down while the third, well you know.”

“Did you call the police?” a blonde girl with designer glasses wearing the name tag Chelsea asked.

“Of course not,” Amanda said. “Remember what happened last time when…well, you know.”

“This happened before? What happened last time?” Robbie asked.

The group went silent. No one made an effort to speak or explain what happened. Finally, Amanda broke the silence .

“She was sixteen. She was too ashamed to tell her parents. Instead, she went to the police who acted like she was a freak and probably asked for it.

“She called me,” Amanda continued, “She told me what happened and the cops’ attitudes. They didn’t even send her to a hospital for a rape kit. By the time she called me, it was too late. She later killed herself. Took her dad’s loaded gun and shot herself in the head.

“She was a sweet girl. So, no, Holly isn’t going to the police. And she won’t tell her parents.”

“What is she going to do?” Chelsea asked.

“I don’t know,” Amanda said.

“What can she do?” another girl, Bethany asked.

“Hunt them, find them. Then she can decide what to do,” Robbie said.

Everyone in the circle of chairs was looking at Robbie. Four or five nodded their heads in agreement.

“That’s probably a bad idea,” Amanda said. “That would be a good way to have it happen again.”

“Or worse,” Chelsea said.

For a while they kicked around Robbie’s idea of finding the rapists. They eventually stopped for a break. Three of them went outside to smoke, several to the women’s rest room. Amanda approached Robbie who was hanging with Stephanie.

“Hunting these pigs down would be something we would all like to do. You need to understand something, Robbie. Despite all of the media attention there are a lot of people with hostility toward us.”

“At some point, we have to treat bullies as bullies. Stand up to them,” Robbie said.

“Gays and lesbians, at least a lot of them, secretly hate us. They think we’re just hiding our sexuality. Most people don’t want to know us,” Amanda said.

“I’d like to talk to Holly. Is she coming to the next meeting?” Robbie asked.

“Leave it alone,” Amanda said.

“No, we can’t just leave it alone,” Robbie said.

“Holly isn’t the first,” Amanda said. “There have been at least three others that I know of. ”

“All the more reason,” Robbie replied.

Amanda silently looked at this new girl. In her heart, Amanda knew she was right. So did the others.

“I’ll call her and find out if she wants to meet,” Amanda said. “No promises. If she says no then…”

“No, it is,” Robbie said. “She’s dealing with enough. I don’t want to push.”

“Deal,” Amanda said.

The break was over and everyone returned to their seats. Robbie, the new girl, was asked a lot of questions. Was the gender affirmation her idea? Was it a phase she went through? How did the operation go? Is she happy about it?

For the first time, other than speaking at a mirror and more than she did with Dr. Freidman, Robbie found herself opening up. She calmly, politely answered all of their questions. To her delight, three of the girls opened up and admitted they were still having serous second thoughts.

“To be blunt,” a girl named Paula opened up to Robbie, “I’m sorry I did this. I was twelve, almost thirteen. I knew a couple trans people at school. I was confused and caught up in how trendy and cool it was. Especially what I heard from the media.

“I was seeing a psychologist and told her. For weeks we talked about nothing else. She convinced me. Then I brought my mother with me, my dad is not around. Mom thought it was a great idea.

“Here I am, ready for college and I’m more of a mess now than I was before.”

“Have you talked to your mother about it lately?” Robbie asked.

“I tried. She just blows it off. Reminds me the shrink said this would happen and to ignore it. That it will pass. It isn’t and it won’t,” Paula said.

Two more girls told a very similar story. Young and impressionable, trendy and cool, they thought it would make them more popular and their therapist agreed and even pushed it. So did their mothers.

By the time they had finished each had tears down their cheeks. Robbie did as well .

On the drive home, neither Stephanie nor Robbie said a word. Stephanie would occasionally look over at Robbie who was staring out the windshield.

Robbie was deep in thought, quite regretful and disturbed. The last thing Amanda said to them in the parking lot was her assurance to contact Holly. Now, with that reality closing in, Robbie found herself thinking about it.

Why did she open her big mouth and insist? Where did this newly found courage come from? What could they do if they did find the guys who raped Holly?

Stephanie drove into the driveway where Robbie lived. She stopped the car near the front porch. They sat for a few seconds, Stephanie waiting for Robbie.

“You okay?” Stephanie asked Robbie.

“No, not really. What do we do if we find them; the guys who raped Holly?”

“I don’t know. It was your idea. Go to the cops?”

“It’s too late. Without a rape kit we can’t even prove she was raped,” Robbie replied. “The cops won’t touch it.”

“Why don’t we see if we can find them first? That’s not very likely,” Stephanie said.

Robbie nodded three or four times, then said, “You’re right. We’ll see. We probably won’t be able to find them.

“Okay, good night…”

“How did you like the group?” Stephanie asked.

Robbie had her door open and was almost out when Stephanie asked. She paused for a moment before answering then said, “Good. I like it. It’s nice to find out I’m not alone. Good night. See you tomorrow.”

“Good night,” Stephanie replied.

As she sat in the car watching Robbie go into her home, Stephanie realized and admitted to herself she had a huge crush on the tall, pretty Robbie.