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Dear Diary:May 22nd

The school year ends next week, Friday May 31. I am scared to death about it. Tomorrow, I have a session with Mother Dear attending, with Dr. Frankenstein. Of course, Blake is not invited. At least with Mother Dear in the room, Dr. Frankenstein won’t put his hands on me.

We have been gradually talking about the surgery. Tomorrow, Dr. Frankenstein will go over the surgery again. I am NOT! looking forward to this.

As I have told you many times before, Dear Diary, I finally worked up the courage to tell mother I do NOT! want to go through with this. She won’t listen. She tells me that it is just normal nervousness. I try to tell her it is not.

I have met a girl in school. Her name is Olivia. She is Iranian and quite pretty. I have a huge (maybe my first) crush on her. Of course, I don’t think she even knows I’m alive. These feelings I have for her, and other girls I find attractive, are a sign. I want to stay being a boy. I’m still on the runaway train and can’t stop it.

I have even told Frankenstein. He dismisses it as nerves; Joan, my former mentor warned me that I would feel like this and that I would not want to go through with it. So did my friend at school, Erin. She was honest and told me it was difficult, but worth it. Erin is also attracted to girls. And boys. She thinks she might be bisexual. It’s all so very confusing and scary. I don’t know what to do.

I probably should not write this down, but I think I have to. I have been thinking about suicide. In fact, quite a lot lately, to simply put an end to this. I have even been thinking about ways to do it. Everything I come up with scares me too much.

Good night, Dear Diary. Time for bed.

“Good afternoon,” Dr. Friedman said to both Robbie and Priscilla. “Please, have a seat. Robbie, how are you? Are you still nervous?”

On the drive to their appointment, Priscilla made it clear Robbie was to cooperate. He was to set aside his fears, doubts and concerns. He was to accept the fact that his mother, Dr. Friedman and the other professionals know what was best for him.

Despite his inner qualms, Robbie had been beaten down by these people. Besides, who knew for sure? Maybe his mother was right. They all said they could see things that Robbie could not. The runaway train was about to come into the station.

When Friedman asked Robbie if he was still nervous, Priscilla turned to look at him. Without Friedman noticing, Priscilla’s eyes narrowed into little more than slits sending Robbie a message; Cool it .

“Yeah, sure, some, but I’m okay,” Robbie answered.

“Good, well, let’s get started,” Friedman said.

“This surgery, as you know, as we’ve discussed, is a multistage procedure usually done at the same time during the same surgery. The surgeon will first perform a penectomy to remove the penis. At the same time, he’ll perform an orchiectomy to remove the testes.

“Tissue from the penis will be used to construct the vagina, the clitoris and the labia. The construction of the vagina is done by penile inversion vaginoplasty. An inverted penis skin flap is used for lining the neovagina.

“Am I giving you too much detail?”

“A little, yes,” Priscilla said. “Plus, Doctor Miller went over this last week.”

She turned to Robbie and asked, “Do you want to hear it again?”

“No, Mom. I get it,” Robbie said. He then told Dr. Friedman, “I understand.”

“This is all done in a same day procedure, correct? Dr. Miller was a little vague about that,” Priscilla said.

“Normally, yes. There are times when the surgeon may find a reason to put off part of it for a day or two. Your hospital stay will be three to five days. There are cases where the patient is sent home the same day. Dr. Miller normally likes the patient to have a recovery stay. As I said, it’s never more than a few days.

“Robbie this has been done so many times it is practically routine,” Friedman said.

Yeah, then you do it , Robbie was thinking .

“Did he discuss breast augmentation. Implants?” Freidman asked.

“Yes,” Priscilla answered. “In fact, I am very familiar with that myself having had it done it a few years ago. We talked about it and decided to go ahead and have it done the same day. Small implants and then she can decide later what she wants,” Priscilla said.

Friedman was using a chair with wheels. He rolled over to where Robbie was sitting. Friedman spent a minute looking Robbie’s face over.

“Normally, there may be some facial gender surgery to feminize the face. Especially along the jawline and around the eyes and nose. Did Dr. Miller discuss this with you?”

“Yes, he did,” Priscilla said. “We decided it would be best to wait until she is done growing.”

“Yes, I agree. Although I must say, you’re going to be a beautiful woman, Robbie,” Friedman said.

Great, then I’ll have perverts like you after me, Robbie was thinking while putting on a fake smile of approval.

“After care,” Friedman said.

“Yes, we went over that, too,” Priscilla said. “The most important one being the vaginal dilator. Use it at least two or three times a day to make sure the vagina does not close up.”

“Plenty of rest for at least the first two or three weeks. That will depend on how you’re feeling. Some heal faster and even go back to work in a few days. Others take longer.

“You’re going to have questions. Don’t hesitate to call. Our sessions will continue,” Friedman said.

As long as you’re getting paid and making a fortune off me . At least I’m not paying for it , Robbie thought.

While they rode down in the elevator, Priscilla put her right arm through Robbie’s left.

“You’re getting to be so tall,” Priscilla told him.

“What about my voice,” Robbie asked.

“The estrogen pills are taking care of that. You should try singing lessons. I’ll bet you have a wonderful, contralto voice. ”

“What’s that?” Robbie asked.

“The lowest female voice. Below a soprano. Very nice in a woman,” Priscilla said. “I love you. I don’t tell you that often enough, but, it’s true.”

“I love you too, Mom.”