Page 135 of Precious Hazard

Guest:Yes. But, luckily, that issue was swiftly resolved. Once I shot the guy, he quickly got the message that stalking another man’s woman was wrong. My advice in that situation is to take care of all obnoxious creeps with the utmost expediency.

Radio Host:But… you stalked her yourself. You watched her without her knowledge.

Guest:I was making sure my future wife was alright. Totally different situations.

Radio Host:I see. And once you met again? Did she fall in love with you right away, or did you have to work to earn her affection? How long have the two of you dated before you proposed?

Guest:We had one date and got married the following day.

Radio Host:One day? She agreed to marry you after one date?

Guest:That’s nothing remarkable. People tend to acquiesce promptly, and practically to anything, when their entire family is threatened with obliteration. Possessing excellent persuasion skills is essential for dating. This has been my greatest strength, I believe.

Radio Host:Right. Good to know. Um… I take it you’ve been married for quite some time now. So, I gather, she did develop feelings for you, in the end?

Guest:Of course.

Radio Host:Seriously? I mean… How can you be sure of her love? Did she express it in some grand manner or—

Guest:She took a bullet for me. Grand enough for you, James?

Radio Host:Whoa! That’s… huge. Um… May ask what happened to the person who shot her?

Guest:A bit of filleting action.

Radio Host:I’m not sure I get what you mean.

Guest:Have you ever seen a fish gutted and then turned into fillets?

Radio Host:A couple of times, sure.

Guest:Then you get my meaning.

…

Producer:James, we’re stilllive.

Radio Host:[Ahem] Right. Well, our time is almost up. I… ah… have one more question for you, Don. As a man who is very much in love with your wife—

Guest:Understatement.

Radio Host:Of course. I can see that. Could you tell me, is there anything about your wife that you might… not like? A pet peeve, perhaps?

Guest:My wife is the embodiment of perfection. I worship every single thing about her. Except Kurt.

Radio Host:Kurt?

Guest:Her defective cat.

I am constantly tempted to strangle the little devil. Unfortunately, she loves the damned thing. And because she does, even though I hate him with a passion, I can’t bring myself to harm him in any way. And, all my passive attempts to neutralize him failed. Leaving the doors open in hopes that he would flee. Windows, too. Nothing. Even the kidnapping and forced relocation scheme.

Radio Host:You tried to kidnap your wife’s cat?

Guest:Don’t be ridiculous. I just said I wouldn’t lay a hand on him. Weren’t you paying attention?

Radio Host:Um—

Guest:I hired a professional team. Top-notch mercenaries. Everything was planned out to the minute detail. I had taken my wife out for a romantic dinner, gave the home security personnel a night off, and provided means of entry to the perpetrators. All they had to do was go in, collect the damn cat, and drive him out of state. Easy pickings.