Page 134 of Precious Hazard

Radio Host:No way! Coerced? I had no idea. Could you elaborate on that?

Guest:One of my business associates thought that my appearance on your show would be helpful. Unfortunately, he shared this harebrained idea with my wife. She liked it. And then made me do it.

Radio Host:Oh, she’s listening, then? Hi, Mrs. Don! Sending you much love and—

Bam!

Guest:That’s just a little warning for you, James. No man other than me sends love to my wife. Got that? Next time, I won’t stop at a mere black eye. Understand?

Radio Host:Absolutely. [Groan.] One hundred percent.

Guest:You may continue.

Radio Host:Um… yeah, sure. You seem to be very much in love with your wife, Don. Since this show is all about providing relationship advice, maybe you could share a few words of wisdom? Tell our audience how you met the love of your life, and your experiences courting her. Are there specific things that worked for you, or anything you wish you could have done differently?

Guest:Alright. We met in the parking lot of the hospital where she used to work. It was a brief encounter, lasting about ten minutes. But that was more than enough time for me to realize that I’d do whatever it took to make her mine.

Radio Host:That sounds so romantic. Tell me, what was your first move?

Guest:I did background research and then observed her.

Radio Host:Oh, you got to know the things she liked and places where she enjoyed spending time? That’s sweet. I don’t think enough people make the effort to get to know a person these days. We’re very much living in a culture of instant gratification, don’t you agree?

Guest:No. I meant I had my chief of security complete a thorough investigation of her and arrange video surveillance so I could watch her around the clock.

Radio Host:Uh… You mean… you… stalked her?

Guest:Yes.

… [Ahem. Cough. Cough.] … [The host seems to be having a bit of an issue. Trained first aid personnel are on standby.]

Guest:That was definitely one of the things that worked. In order to achieve the outcome you want, it’s important to gather and analyze all pertinent info, James. Once you have a better understanding of your chosen person, it’s that much easier to reach your goals. I fully recommend this approach.

Radio Host:Um… Right. I see. You’re not a proponent of conventional means. Like giving flowers, for instance.

Guest:I tried that.

Radio Host:Oh, you did? How did that go? And, what did you get her? Roses?

Guest:Everything the florist had available. But my mistake was not writing the note. So she had no idea they were from me. That should be a lesson for your listeners. Always include a signed card with the flowers.

Radio Host:That’s sound advice, right there. Well, since wooing your lady love with flowers seemed to fail, what was the next thing you tried?

Guest:I broke into her apartment and filled up her fridge.

Radio Host:Huh. Interesting. Not what I figured you might say. And why did you do that?

Guest:Her eating habits were extremely unhealthy. Each time I saw her on the cameras pulling out crap food from the fridge or eating fast food takeout, I cringed.

Radio Host:Cameras? At her place? Isn’t that illegal, Don?

Guest:Is there a point to your question?

Radio Host:Oh, no. I was just, you know, wondering. Let’s continue. Did your future wife know that you were… uh… interested… in her? Did the two of you happen to see each other, in person, during that time?

Guest:No. It was some time later that I decided the timing was right for us to finally meet face-to-face again. It happened to coincide with some creep stepping up his unwelcome pursuit of her and not taking “no” for an answer.

Radio Host:She hadanotherstalker? Other than you, I mean.