Page 132 of Precious Hazard

Intoxicated by the heavenly smell, I dismiss the dude, no longer caring who he is or what he’s after. Following my nose, I jump down off the bookshelf and rush toward the feast.

The initial bite of the perfectly flaked tuna is pure bliss. So good that in my hurry to gulp it down, I nearly choke on it.

Divine. So scrumptious that—

Thick, heavy fabric drops over my head.

MEOOOOW. HISS. GROWL.

“Got you!”

***

“Jesus fuck, Marv! Will you get that thing to calm down? I’m trying to drive here!”

“What the hell do you think I’m doing?” my catnapper shouts back while I thrash inside the trap, hissing and trying to scratch my way out. “This bag won’t hold. We should have brought a fucking cage!”

A cage! How dare he! I let out another furious meow and dig my nails into what I hope is the mutt’s crotch. This stupid canvas bag is no obstacle for my immaculately pointy claws. I didn’t spend the last two days sharpening them on the Mean One’s bedposts for nothing.

“Fuck! The little shit just dug his nails into my balls!”

Bingo!

Changing my position as much as the confined space inside the bag allows me, I puncture the fabric again.

A painful wail echoes through the interior of the vehicle.

“Shiiiit!” Marv the interloper groans.

Ha! There you go, you overgrown cockroach! Another exclusive ball-shredding, just for you.

My excitement is short-lived, though, because the asswipe pushes me off his lap and I tumble headfirst onto the floor.Ouch!

Rat tails, I can’t believe I’m being catnapped! Are these scumbags going to ransom me to the Mean One? Is this a ploy to steal me from my humans?

I had a feeling that bozo was bad news soon as I saw and smelled him. He stinks like the sun-baked heap of horse shit I ran past one time at the city park.

“Screw the contract.” Marv again. “Let’s just kill it. I don’t wanna drive out of state with this hellspawn on my lap just to dump it somewhere.”

I freeze. My fur rises instantly.

Kill it?

Me?

“Good thinking, Marv. We’ll just—”

The tires screech, and then the car jolts to a stop. That sends me tumbling inside the bag until I hit something. Never one to waste the opportunity, I toss from side to side, trying to find a way to escape. Nothing. The route to my freedom is rigidly tied.

“What the fuck is wrong with people? This asshole just cut me off! He almost ran us off the fucking road!” Fred yells.

“Shit, man. It’s him.” Marv’s voice sounds slightly hysterical. That stench around him is morphing into something new. “What the fuck is he doing here? Oh, crap, he’s coming this way. Did we fuck up?”

“Ah… Hi. Is there a prob—”

A piercing whoosh splits the air, followed by another right away. I keep very still, very quiet. Listening to hear what’s going on.

The car door creaks as someone opens it, and then the bag I’m in is lifted off the ground. No! What is happening? Am I being catnapped from my catnappers?