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troy

Six Schlongs Hen Party

Dev Menon

Heard someone had a hair appointment yesterday.

Garrett Meyer

Is this what we do now? Keep track of each other’s haircuts? Should we share selfies afterward, too?

Dean Meyer

I just got my balls waxed. Here, let me pull up the pic.

Darian Meyer

No! I swear to God, Dean, I will leave this chat and block your ass.

Dean Meyer

What else is new, brother? Will you go tell Dad, too?

Hudson Case

I leave my phone for five minutes . . .

Dean Meyer

Does that convert to like, three years for you, Hud? Is that why you’re aging at lightning speed?

Hudson Case

middle finger emoji

Garrett Meyer

Dean, bro, seriously? You have got to stop taking selfies of your junk. It’s fucking disturbing.

Dean Meyer

Mala doesn’t think so. She has a photo album dedicated to my dick pics.

Dev Menon

Or she’s gathering evidence for her future lawyer smirk emoji

Dean Meyer

There’s nothing wrong with documenting the evolution of greatness. I’m actually thinking about making one of them into an NFT. Maybe calling it “Ballz Deep” or “Ballz of Glory”.

Hudson Case

I’m losing brain cells with this conversation. Dev, who were you talking about?

Dev Menon

Our boy Troy. @Troy Winters, how was your haircut with Sarina? Piper told me she came out to the lobby and found you two eye-fucking each other.

Troy Winters

Is that why your wife pretended to have some sort of “rabbit” emergency and pawned me off on her? Does she even have rabbits?

Dean Meyer

Oh, she has rabbits alright. And our billionaire friend Dev here? He and his wife even like to do the nasty in front of them. You know, teach them about the “birds and the bees”.

Garrett Meyer

[GIF of Shaquille O’Neal with his hand over his mouth, trying not to laugh]

Dev Menon

Can we bring the focus back on Troy?

Dean Meyer

Nah, man. I still have PTSD from that story. I think we need to talk about it.

Dev Menon

No one needs to talk about it!

Hudson Case

Pretty sure those rabbits need to talk to someone about it.

Troy Winters

I’m regretting even asking, but also . . . strangely intrigued.

Dean Meyer

Well, in case you ever need a cottontail butt plug, you know where to go.

Dev Menon

NO, YOU DON’T!

Dean Meyer

Jesus, always so possessive of your anal products.

[ Darian Meyer has left the chat]

[ Dean Meyer has added Darian Meyer to the chat]

Dean Meyer

Dar, calm the fuck down. Why is talking about anal stuff such a trigger for you?

Darian Meyer

YOU are a trigger for me.

Dev Menon

Going back to Troy. Did you ask Sarina for her number yet?

Troy Winters

Didn’t need to. I already have it because of Rome’s baseball practices.

Garrett Meyer

Did you ask her out, then?

Troy Winters

Tried. She shot me down.

Dean Meyer

[GIF of Selena Gomez gasping] Shot you down? Did you show her your good bicep?

Troy Winters

She has some rule about not dating athletes.

Dev Menon

Yeah . . . her ex was and IS a douchebag.

Troy Winters

Who’s her ex?

Dev Menon

Pro golfer, Jamie Weston.

Hudson Case

That pretentious asshole who wears sweater vests in the summer?

Troy Winters

What’s the story between them?

Dev Menon

Not mine to tell. But don’t get discouraged. With the number of times she called me to check up on you, I know she’s interested.

Hudson Case

We all know there’s history between you two. Ever going to spill the beans, Troy?

Troy Winters

Not a whole lot to spill. Met her at a bar in Colorado a few months ago, the same night I was supposed to get married. We gave each other fake names and had a great night. Then she disappeared on me, only to reappear at my game a month later, where she literally dove under a chair to avoid me.

Troy Winters

And now you’re all caught up.

Troy Winters

Oh, and her pussy tried to kill me.

Hudson Case

The fuck? WHAT HAPPENED IN COLORADO??

Troy Winters

What? No, I meant her cat. Her hairless cat tried to murder me, or at least frame me for vandalism or something.

Garrett Meyer

I was going to say, that isn’t how I saw the story going.

Dean Meyer

Troy, dude, you’ve got to be clearer about these things. You almost gave Hudson a heart attack. And at his advanced age, it can be very dangerous.

Hudson Case

middle finger emoji

Dean Meyer

I KNEW you guys boinked the babooshka. Diddled the doodle. Jiggled the jelly.

Darian Meyer

For the love of God, Dean.

Dean Meyer

Oh, I’m sorry, brother. I forgot you prefer referring to it as “making love” or “having intercourse”. Does your child bride still call it “your pee-pee”?

[ Darian Meyer has left the chat]

[ Dean Meyer has added Darian Meyer to the chat]

Garrett Meyer

@Troy Winters, on the night you were “supposed to get married”??

Dean Meyer

Hey, at least you still got lucky on your wedding night.

Troy Winters

Well, it’s clearly not going to happen again, not if her psycho cat has anything to say about it. She didn’t like me.

Dean Meyer

Or did she? I get the feeling Sarina’s pussy just needs to get to know you better. Maybe stroke her a bit. Pet her like she likes.

Dean Meyer

@Darian Meyer, don’t you fucking dare drop out of this chat!

[ Darian Meyer has left the chat]

[ Dean Meyer has added Darian Meyer to the chat]

Dean Meyer

Goddammit, bro!

Dev Menon

BTW, Piper is going to start a girls’ group chat with your wives. She said she wants a place where they can complain about how much time we waste on here talking shit versus getting actual work done.

Dean Meyer

I’d like to refute that assumption and take offense, but . . . she’s right.

Garrett Meyer

Guarantee all they’ll use it for is to share recipes. Bella will probably just send them pics of her DIY projects.

Darian Meyer

Rani will share pictures of the kids.

Dean Meyer

I bet my wife will boast about my legendary prowess in bed.

Hudson Case

The only thing legendary about you is how fast you finish.

Garrett Meyer

[GIF of Ashton Kutcher saying, “Burn!”]

Dean Meyer

I’ll have you know, Mala calls me the David Beckham of sex.

Troy Winters

Is it because you peaked in the 90s?

Dean Meyer

WOW! To think I have your face tattooed on my right ass cheek. My favorite ass cheek, mind you.

Garrett Meyer

He’s going to need therapy to process this betrayal.

Dev Menon

BTW, Sarina and Nisha are in their chat, too.

Hudson Case

Oof. Sorry, Troy.

Troy Winters

What? Why?

Dean Meyer

Because now there will be seven women who will have a thorough account of your pussy problems.

Troy Winters:

facepalm emoji Fuck.