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sarina

The Clam Jam

Piper Menon

THE COUNTDOWN HAS BEGUN, BITCHES! Our girl is about to get her pancakes buttered and fluffed by the MLB’s finest piece of ass! They’re going on a date this upcoming weekend. fire emoji eggplant emoji peach emoji

Sarina Arora

For the tenth time, it’s NOT a date. We’re going to breakfast as friends.

Piper Menon

Either way, sausage will be on the menu. wink emoji I know it’s been a while for you, love. Do you still remember what to do when you get that sausage in your mouth? I can order actual sausages for us at the salon tomorrow so we can practice, if you want. Me, you, and Nisha. A little refresher can’t hurt anyone.

Nisha Arora

Hard pass. Thanks though.

Sarina Arora

You’re unhinged, you know that? And your obsession with sausages is disturbing.

Rani Meyer

Wait, what is happening? I need deets!

Kavi Case

How did you go from “I don’t date athletes” to a breakfast date with him since we chatted last week?

Sarina Arora

For the last time. It’s not a date and we’re JUST FRIENDS.

Nisha Arora

Right, because friends totally lose their shit and threaten to carry you to the team shop when they see you wearing another man’s jersey. eye roll emoji

Bella Meyer

He did, what??

Kavi Case

Damn. That’s BDE right there. And yes, that can be used interchangeably for both big dick energy or baseball dick energy.

Piper Menon

Speaking of big Ds . . . remember Colorado?

Sarina Arora

I’d like to be released from our friendship contract.

Rani Meyer

But seriously, did he actually carry you out? Because that’s hot.

Sarina Arora

No! I was wearing his jersey under Martinez’s. I did it to get a rise out of him.

Piper Menon

Oh, something rose alright. Something rose so high, it signaled life on other planets.

Mala Meyer

So you know, I just told Dean.

Sarina Arora

You didn’t . . .

Mala Meyer

I’m sorry! He thought I was smiling at my phone because I was watching porn and learning new “tricks,” but when he wouldn’t stop bugging me, I had to tell him.

Sarina Arora

God. Exactly what I need. Guarantee, he’s going to tell the other guys, and they’ll think I’m excited about this date.

Piper Menon

A-ha! See, it IS a date!

Sarina Arora

[GIF of WWE wrestler holding his opponent in a chokehold]

Mala Meyer

Update: Dean just ran around the house screaming, “THE SHIP IS IN SAIL!” Also, I think he’s lighting incense in his Troy altar.

Bella Meyer

I swear, he was dropped on his head as a child.

Kavi Case

Can we focus? Sarina, what are you wearing to this non-date date?

Nisha Arora

Yes, what says “we’re just friends, but I’d also like to sit on your face”?

Piper Menon

BAHAHA! Look at Nisha gettin’ spicy! The student has become the master.

Sarina Arora

I’m leaving now.

Mala Meyer

Dean suggests you wear nothing but Troy’s jersey. Also, he just showed me his Pinterest board dedicated to Troy.

Rani Meyer

I love him like a brother but, girl, your husband needs Jesus.

Mala Meyer

At this point, he’s beyond saving.

Nisha Arora

I don’t know him as well as some of you girls do, but are we sure he’s not going to leave Mala for Troy?

Bella Meyer

Nah, Dean’s just committed to his role as class clown. You haven’t seen the way he looks at Mala. The man can’t go a day without her.

Piper Menon

BTW @Sarina Arora, if you wear those blue granny panties you have a twelve-pack of, I swear, I will write you out of my will.

Sarina Arora

Firstly, it’s just breakfast! And secondly, how the hell do you know I have a twelve-pack of blue panties?

Piper Menon

It’s my job as your best friend, and my duty as a good Samaritan, to have a detailed account of your under things. And to discreetly throw a few away when you’re not looking because, honey, the Great Depression ended almost a century ago. We don’t need it to recommence because of your sad undies.

Sarina Arora

YOU THREW AWAY MY UNDERWEAR?! Is that why I can’t find the tie-dyed one I love so much?

Piper Menon

Oh, was that underwear? I thought they were bloomers from last year’s Halloween costume.

Nisha Arora

They were the free swag that abstinence programs give away.

Kavi Case

[GIF of woman spitting out her drink while laughing]

Sarina Arora

I hate you guys. angry face emoji

Piper Menon

Can we circle back on what you’re going to wear?

Sarina Arora

Something normal because it’s not a date!

Rani Meyer

Aww, but then how will he pour syrup down your cleavage and lick it off?

Bella Meyer

What kind of stuff are you and Darian into?

Sarina Arora

[GiF of Simon Cowell pinching the bridge of his nose]

Mala Meyer

BTW, Dean just said he’s going to find out the details from Troy and “casually” swing by at breakfast.

Sarina Arora

That’s it. I’m canceling breakfast. And getting a restraining order for Dean.

Mala Meyer

Don’t worry, I’ll distract him by trying out one of those “instructional” videos on him. But you have to give us the play-by-play on this date!

Sarina Arora

IT’S NOT A DATE!

Piper Menon

Just like those weren’t period panties from the 1980s.

[ Sarina Arora has left the chat]

[ Piper Menon has added Sarina Arora to the chat]

Piper Menon

Have fun on your “non date,” bestie. Remember, syrup goes well on sausage.