Page 26

Chapter 26

Anders

2 Days Earlier

“ P lease, Anders, open up; we’re worried!” Cameron shouts through the front door.

“I swear to god, if you’ve offed yourself and I have to deal with that trauma, I’ll be really pissed off,” Sage complains.

I roll my eyes; I wouldn’t expect any less than heartfelt concern from them.

More aggressive knocks and rings of the doorbell continue, creating a tsunami of chaos in my pounding head.

“Fuck this shit. Cam, kick the door in.”

“I can’t kick his fucking door in,” Cameron whisper-shouts.

“Fine, then I will.”

I scream into a scatter cushion before flinging it across the room and stampeding towards the door. Swinging it open, Sage runs forward, taking me in a rugby tackle.

“Oh my god, you stink!” they squeal, untangling their limbs from mine.

I lift my arm to take a whiff of my pit; ok, maybe I smell a little ripe.

When did I last shower? Was it two or three days ago? Not that it matters.

Cameron and Sage barge past me. An inkling of shame heats my cheeks as I take in the state of my apartment. Takeaway containers litter the counter tops, and my dishes are piled precariously high. I’ve somehow managed to drag myself to work over the past two weeks. When I’m not working, I’m either wallowing or fucking seething at Jahmar.

It feels like I’m grieving the loss of two of the most important people in my life. I hate my brother for what he did to Jahmar, but that doesn’t stop the bone-deep pain that has left me incapacitated. It’s like I can’t put one foot in front of the other, sinking in quicksand, almost running out of air.

The way I behaved in those last moments with Jahmar haunt me. My whole world has turned on its axis, facing away from the sun and blanketed by darkness.

Half of what happened that night is a blur, but I know I fucked up by trying to protect Chris. Lord knows he deserves to suffer, yet in that moment, the familiar bond we shared took over. I didn’t even consider what Jahmar had gone through. I’m ashamed of my actions, but I’m also fucking mad. The fucker drugged me and is now dodging my calls. It’s like slow torture, not knowing where he is or if he’s ok.

Cameron flops onto the sofa and plops his feet on the coffee table while Sage starts chucking containers into a bin bag. I silently watch, waiting for them to scrutinise me and demand I tell them what really happened between Jahmar and me.

“Go shower, no arguments,” Sage commands, shoving me towards the bathroom. I huff before following their orders.

By the time I return, my main living area resembles some kind of order. Sage is washing dishes while Cameron dries. I quietly observe them for a moment, the way they float around the kitchen in perfect harmony. When Sage passes Cameron a pan, he leans in for a chaste kiss, and it’s the sweetest damn thing I’ve ever seen. Hot envy bubbles in my chest. I want that…I had that.

I keep running over what happened in my head. Coming up with ways it could’ve gone differently. I had no idea regret could be so fucking suffocating. Every ignored text and call by Jahmar feels like having my head held underwater for three minutes, just short of enough time to kill me before I’m dragged back up, only to have it repeat the process again and again.

Sage spots my presence and nudges Cameron away.

“No, please, continue.” I drop onto the sofa, releasing a long sigh.

Closing my eyes, I hear them whisper behind me. I’m about to tell them to get the fuck out of my house when Cameron sits next to me and pulls me against his chest. I squirm in his tight grasp but eventually surrender and melt into the hug. Sage sits on my other side and lifts my feet until they’re on their lap. I fully relax until I’m spread across both of them, and then I break. A deafening sob escapes me. I’m ugly-crying for all I’ve lost and all I could’ve had.

“It’s alright, bud. Let it out,” Cameron coos while rubbing up and down my arm.

“Shit, you really like him, don’t you?” Sage questions, but it’s more like a statement.

“Yes, I do. There’s more to it, though. I don’t know. How can I explain? It’s complicated,” I blubber through snotty tears.

I blow my nose on the sleeve of my hoodie, and Sage pulls a face.

“Did you understand any of that?” Sage whispers to Cameron.

I prod them with my foot, then stand up to pace the room. My best friends patiently sit there wide-eyed as I start rambling about everything that went on, skipping out the whole ‘removing testicles for revenge’ part.

“So, you see, I’ve lost my brother, and now I’ve lost Jay; he won’t even return my calls.”

“Hold on a minute, Anders, you said that too fast. Please tell us again so I know I’m not going crazy. Chris, your brother, the doctor, raped the guy you’re seeing? The same person I let operate on my fucking sister?” Sage asks, face creased with disgust.

“Yes, about three years ago,” I reply, releasing a shaky breath.

“God, Anders. That’s fucked up,” Cameron says, running a hand through his burnt orange hair.

“Shit, I see why you’re a fucking mess now,” Sage adds, blowing out a harsh breath.

“I can’t believe the arsehole tried to lie to me at first.” I clench my fists. “I could’ve killed him.”

Sage crosses their arms over their chest, a deep scowl on their face. “Good, sick fuck, he’d deserve it if you did.”

Cameron chucks a pillow at them. “Sage, come on, he’s still his brother.”

“Fuck that,” Sage growls. “He’s a disgusting excuse for a human and deserves to have his dick and balls chopped off.”

A hysterical laugh bubbles out of me. Cameron and Sage stare at me like I’ve fully lost it. Perhaps I have. This has been way too much for my weak psyche to process over the past two weeks.

After I stop laughing like a maniac, Cameron speaks, “So, where is Jahmar now? Is he ok? It must’ve been pretty awful finding out Chris is your brother.”

“I don’t know.” I gnaw at my bottom lip, guilt scrambles in my stomach for not finding him already.

“What do you mean ‘you don’t know’?” Cameron asks, brows drawn into a harsh line.

“He disappeared.” I shrug then sigh.

Cameron sits forward in his seat. “People don’t just disappear.”

“Well, Jahmar does.”

“Do you love him?” Sage suddenly pipes up, glancing at Cameron briefly before darting their eyes away.

I swallow hard, and unshed tears cloud my vision. “I do. Right before everything blew up, I had every intention of telling him.”

“Then find him,” Sage says with more certainty than I’ve ever heard from them.

“I can’t. He clearly wants nothing to do with me.”

“You’re not your brother, Anders. Tell Jahmar how you feel, and let him decide if he can live with that.”

I bite my nails, considering their weighted words.

“Come on, Anders. Quit being a little bitch and fight for your man.” Sage’s pep talk makes a flicker of hope spark in my chest.

Cameron shuffles closer to Sage and wraps his arm around them. “Wow, I didn’t take you for being such a romantic, babe,” he teases.

Sage rolls their eyes, shaking out of his hold.

“But yes, what Sage said. Find him, fight for him, do all that grand gesture bullshit you see in movies.”

I pace the small space in my living room again, trying to conjure up a plan. “I have no idea where to look. He’s obviously left Leeds because he hasn’t been back to his apartment.”

“Do you know any of his friends or family you could contact?” Sage asks.

“He mentioned having a few school pals from his hometown and one kind of friend from York Hospital, but honestly, he’s a bit of a mystery. I guess it makes sense. He probably cut himself off after everything he went through. He seems to have a good relationship with his mum.”

“So, let’s go pay her a visit? Maybe he’s there,” Sage suggests.

I come to a standstill. “What? We can’t show up at his mum’s house.”

“Of course we can. You said yourself you’re worried about him. Call it a wellness check.” A wide grin spreads across Sage’s face like it’s not the first time they’ve been involved in such ridiculous activities.

“And how the hell are we going to find out where she lives?”

“I have my ways.” Sage flashes their brows.

“Do I want to know?”

“It’s not that difficult to find out where someone lives in this day and age.” Sage starts tapping their phone while Cameron watches over their shoulder.

“I don’t know, this seems a little intrusive, just rocking up to his mum’s house.”

Sage eyes dart up, pinning me in place. “Do you want him back or not?”

I huff and roll my eyes. “Obviously.”

“Then quit being a whiny bitch, and let’s go get your man.”

“Yay, road trip!” Cameron cheers, jumping to his feet to do a goofy dance.

“You’re coming with me?”

“Of course, but I’m shotgunning.” Cameron drags me into a rough hug and ruffles my hair.

I lend Sage my laptop and all the information I have about Jahmar, and they waste no time digging up his mum’s info. One hour and half a bottle of vodka later, I stare at the address for Jahmar’s mum. I’m taking stalking to a whole other level with this one, but if there’s anything I’ve learnt about Jay, he likes when I hunt him down.