Page 32

December 29 th

Lizzie—

The sun is set to rise at 7:24am, and I agreed to meet Kate in front of Darko’s house.

I prop the note I wrote him against the coffeemaker and shrug into my coat, then peer out the front window.

Kate’s SUV pulls to the curb, and I slip out the door quietly. It’s that light sky of dawn before the sun makes an appearance.

When I slide inside the front seat, there’s a bouquet on the console between us.

White roses.

My eyes lift to hers and glaze.

She squeezes my hand. “I knew you didn’t want Darko to know where you were going, so I figured you didn’t have a chance to pick up flowers without having to explain.”

“Thank you.” I lift the bouquet to my nose and inhale the lovely fragrance. “It isn’t that I didn’t want him to know where I was going. I just knew he’d want to come, and I need to do this without him.”

“I understand.” She passes me a cup of coffee. “It’s your favorite.”

“White chocolate mocha?”

“Of course.”

“You’re so good to me,” I whisper, and take a sip.

It’s a short drive across town to the cemetery. We’ve had sunny days since Christmas, and the roads are all clear now.

Kate turns under the Iron gates and rolls up the narrow path just as the first rays of sun crest the horizon. She drives until we get to the section where Matt is buried, then pulls to the side. The pine trees in the area are all laden with snow, and I’m reminded of the day we laid him to rest.

I was a total wreck, but there was an inch of fresh snow, and everything looked peaceful. It had seemed so wrong that everything looked pretty when I was so devastated. How could anything ever look beautiful again?

“Look,” Kate elbows me, shaking me from my memories. She points out my window toward Matt’s grave.

There, lying around his headstone, are a doe and two little fawns.

The mother looks at me, her big ears twitching, and then she slowly rises.

Kate shuts the car off, and the fawns jump, and they all run off.

She and I stare at each other, wide-eyed.

“Oh, my God,” Kate whispers. “That was so cool.”

We climb from the car, and I carry the bouquet. When we reach the headstone, I brush the snow off and prop the flowers against it.

I stand. “I should get an urn. I wish I’d gotten one when I’d ordered the headstone. I wasn’t thinking clearly.”

Kate puts her arm around me. “This is fine.”

The wind ruffles my hair.

“You can see the impressions where the momma deer sat with her babies.” Kate points to the spots.

I check the horizon and see them standing at the tree line, watching us.

“Do you believe in signs, Kate?”

“Absolutely.”

“Do you think this was some kind of sign? The deer, I mean.”

She studies my face and smiles. “I do.”

“What do you think it means? Do you think it means he’s okay?”

“I think it means he wants you to be okay.”

I rest my head on her shoulder, and we stand there for a few minutes, listening to the quiet and the wind.

Kate squeezes me. “And you will be okay, Lizzie. You’re already halfway there.”

I nod. “It’s been a rough year. There were times I didn’t think I’d make it. Times I wasn’t sure I wanted to make it.”

She gives me a little shake. “But you did. You made it through just about the hardest thing life can throw. And now you have to live the rest, and you have to do it living it to the fullest. That’s what Matt would want. He loved you, honey.”

“He did. He loved me so much.”

“But he wasn’t perfect, either. He was just a man, so don’t make the mistake of putting him up on a pedestal to which no other man can ever compare.”

“I understand what you’re saying. Darko isn’t Matt, and he never will be. But that’s okay. Right now, it’s a man like Darko that I need. I feel like I’ve turned a page in my life, like everything going forward is new, and I’m living differently. I’m no longer concerned about the norms. The house with the white picket fence and two point five kids. It’s just about finding happiness in each day, whatever way that comes.”

“Sounds like the new you,” Kate whispers.

“I guess it is.”

“Can I tell you something, BFF?”

“What’s that?”

“I like the new you.”

When Kate drops me off, Darko is waiting in the kitchen, leaning against the counter with a mug of coffee in his hand.

He’s bare-chested, wearing nothing but a pair of low-hanging sweats, his feet crossed at the ankles.

“Got your note,” he says softly. “You okay?”

I nod and move to him.

He sets his mug down and enfolds me in his arms, pressing a kiss to my forehead.

I lay my head on him and soak up the strength he gives me.

“I would have come with you,” he murmurs.

“That’s why I didn’t tell you. I needed to do this alone, and if you’d offered to come, I wouldn’t have denied you.”

“It’s okay to tell me no, Lizzie. You’re allowed.”

The corner of my mouth tugs up. “Noted.”

“You want to take the day off today?”

“I don’t want to sit here and dwell. I need to keep busy.”

“Gotcha.”

“There were a doe and two fawns lying on his grave when we pulled up. Do you think they go there often?”

“Don’t know. It’s a quiet place. Maybe they feel safe there.”

“I like to think they’re keeping him company.”

“Aw, sweetheart.” He hugs me tighter, and I start to cry. He holds me until all my tears are gone.

“I’m sorry,” I sniffle.

“Don’t ever be sorry for feeling love for him or for mourning his loss. Okay?”

“Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For being here for me. You’ve helped me more than you know.”

“I love you, Lizzie.”

I meet his gaze with my wide-eyed one. After this morning, the heavy weight has lifted, and I’m able to say the words I think I’ve felt for a long time now. “I love you, too, Darko.”

“You mean it?” he asks.

I barely have time to nod before his mouth comes down on mine.